To read this story or to participate in this writing event, you only need a free account.
You can
To find out what this event is about click here
Hello, if this is your first time here, login with Facebook or create a free account to get started. Otherwise, Click here to log in
Comments
Hey Tom,
I noticed on the forum you said this is the first time you've submitted anything? That's a brave step, so welcome to the world of critiquing! :)
I liked the basic premise of this story - the idea of aliens creating a harsher version of capitalism on Earth was cool. I think it needs some more work though, as you could do a lot more with this concept.
Firstly, you need more of a hook at the beginning. In my opinion, I think "For Universal Beauty, Brian wrote lies about the time-saving and beautifying effects of other-worldly hair curlers" would make an intriguing first line.
Also, I think you could cut the word length of this by quite a bit. As an example, you could cut the entire paragraph where he's wondering if he can get away with not watching the video address. The reasons for watching the video are so strong, I was left wondering why he would consider not doing so. It felt as though you as the writer was thinking about it, rather than the character - if that makes sense? So, I think there's a few bits you could trim or even cut completely.
I love the idea of the aliens working the humans into insanity. But I felt you didn't make the most of it. Until this was revealed, there had been no real clues. All the description of the office environment didn't hint at it being such a mentally dangerous place for humans to work. I think you need to show the pressure in the office more.
I was a bit thrown by the 2014 mention. It might just be me, but as that's only next year, I couldn't fully believe the world you had created. Maybe consider placing it a little more into the future?
Last point (I promise) - I feel the ending needs to be stronger. There needs to be more conflict linked to him leaving his job. Throughout the story, you could weave information about what it's like for people without jobs? Paint a picture of why so many humans are being driven insane. If it's so easy for them to walk away from their jobs like your character does at the end then the insanity stuff doesn't sound believable.
I hope I haven't discouraged you with these criticisms. You've got a good foundation here, it just needs to be developed some more, I think :)
This is one of those stories where having only two voting options doesn't work.
I want to like it. The central theme of the evils of capitalism taken to extreme... appeals to me as one who refuses to succumb to the corporate evil overlord. And using aliens as a device to allow you to turn that familiar scenario into a dystopia should be a good use of SF.
Unfortunately the story itself doesn't live up to that promise. Your opening sentence is badly worded, leading to a slow opening paragraph that doesn't really achieve much. That may sound picky, but opening sentences matter - REALLY MATTER. For a story of this length you have perhaps three paragraphs to grab your reader and draw them in.
Then we have several references to clacking and to purple skin, and some limited vocabulary, but these are really the only things that set your aliens apart - at least until 2/3 through when Avery does the "as you know, bob" backstory infodump. That's all tell - I want you to show me these aliens being alien.
Shortly after Avery's reveal, there is a scene where Brian's really-quite-ordinary job gets really-quite-easy-going for a while. That rather spoils the effect.
Then we get the crisis moment, the conflict with the boss and the resolution. All on page nine. So 88% of the story is preamble and 12% is the all-over-in-a-flash real plot.
I suspect that probably sounds like a total slating, which isn't really my intent. The story has the potential to be a nice, quirky, fun little story with a powerful underlying message. It just needs a bit of work.
Hey you guys. Thank you very much for the critiques. I am here to improve, and both of you are helping me do that. I have some ideas to add some muscle to what I have. Thanks again.
Hi!
I first off want to say that that was a large undertaking for a first-time submission. The story read like Literary Fiction, but replacing humans with Alien creatures. Each of the aliens, while a bit exoticized, felt like they were something from Star Trek--just humans with a bit of paint on them. Although, that might've been exactly what you were going for.
The conflict was lacking, even at the very end, and the conversation between Avery and Brian was teeming with exposition about items that both characters already knew.
However, like I had mentioned before, you've managed to write a very complete human character in all of this. He has desires, he has flaws, and he has motivations that keep him moving along in the story.
I hope you contine to write more, especially in various genres. Always experiment.
I gave this story a thumbs up because I DO like it. It has some issues (as others have stated before me) with pacing as well as making the aliens a bit more devious than they are. Right now they seem like cartoon characters, silly, selfish and easy to ignore. I do love the idea of them slowing working humans into insanity so I like the idea of painting a picture of an office environment full of people slowing descending into madness because of this overwork. I dont think we need Avery to tell us things the guys already know, maybe find a way to incorporate this into the beginning of the story to really grab the readers so they know that Brian is working someplace that could potentially make him insane. Maybe show him showing signs of this insanity? That part is up to you though :) Its a great start and you are on a path to what could be a really interesting story. Good luck!
This certainly has potential, the idea of Traftians taking over the way they have is good, though I was half expecting a more sinister reason for the humans disappearing from the company and elsewhere. I think this is lacking in plot a little. The central story doesn't really grab as it should - there is no real tension in Brian's decision by the end. Up that tension, and you'd have yourself a story with more of a hook. I picked up a slight error on the first page - "most of the Universal Beauty staff was Traftians" that needs changing. This is worth sticking with and developing further.