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The Missing DJ
How It Rates
Description
Hopelessly trying to claw his way up to the top of his profession, Glodaragz receives an unexpected call. What follows is the most turbulent and succesfull period in his whole life. But nothing comes without a price, and he is about to find out what's his.
Comments
The premise for this story is interesting. However the protagonist is such a self-absorbed asshole that I can't really appreciate it. His motives seem trivial and self-serving to the point that I don't care a damn what happens to him or if he's an android or not. His commentary on everything is sarcastic and demeaning (including his border-line mysogonistic attitudes). It's fine to have an anti-hero, or a character with major flaws, but other than his smug opinions about his musical prowess, this guy has no real character. If you want him to be a bit of an ass, that's fine, but you have to back that up by making him multi-facited and in other ways sympathetic. His scorn for just about everything alienates me from him and I just can't bring myself to care about him or his "troubles."
The story is very uneven. The ending feels tacked on, especially since you have created no pockets earlier in the story to suggest that the protagonist (or anyone else) might be a non-human. The world feels very contemporary at the beginning, referencing only current musicians, but by the end, it sounds more like 20-30 years from now. The world is vaguely constructed--I have no real sense for how this society is dystopian, or how it differs from the real world.
The story takes far to long to get going. I'd start with your DJ getting the call from Brian as that's when something actually starts to happen. I'd also try to weave in some subtle suggestions that our protagonist (or those around him) might not be human. The first few pages read very stilted and in a style that differs from the rest of the piece. It sounds like you're trying too hard to be witty or something but it comes accross as stale. You loosen up later on--try to read that first page or two and compare it to the rest of the document and see if you get what I'm saying.
Last, you do a lot of telling rather than showing. You tell us things like: " I felt like retching," or "He was playing mini golf when I entered, preparing for the next shot" or "I felt angry, but I was really pissed at myself." All examples of telling.
You could have written something like "Something hot and disgusting--a toxic mix of liquor and left-over pizza--rose up my throat," or "Brian lined up the head of his putter up behind a Titelist..." or "Why had I come here? What had I expected it would accomplish? I should go, take my ball and go home, and leave this pretentious jerk and his girl-toy to their shitty music...."
None of those examples are amazing writing, but do you see my point? Telling me what happened doesn't draw me into the story the way showing me does. Give this article a read--it does a very good job of explaining the concept.
Thanks for the thorough feedback. Appreciate it a lot. Re-reading the story after reviewing your comments is really eye opening. Being our first experience writing short sci-fi stories (or any short stories, for that matter) we could see the holes that you point out in your comments. The disparity in styles is probably due to the fact that two persons wrote the story, so i guess this is inevitable, although surely we'll gell in future writings.
Our intentions was not to make the character an ass, but thoroughly dissapointed and discouraged from the way his career and life turned out. His attitude towards the questionable music taste of younger generations (and his sister, being part of that generation) although vaguely, shows his frustration at the fact that great efforts often go unnoticed, and little or no effort often hits the jackpot for some people.
We admit there's great room for improvement, though. Our story structure, as another commenter points out, needs serious reworking. However, we enjoyed writing it, and will keep at it.
Thanks again. Hope you achieve your goal as a writer.
I thought the voice of your narrator was fun, and I liked that he was "unlikable." And I didn't mind his "telling" as it mimics how people really speak.
I do think this story took too long to get going though, not enough of a conceptual hook early on enough for me to stay engaged and find out what he wanted. I would recommend getting your hook in sooner, right in the first paragraph, if you can. It gives the readers something to look forward too.
Strong voice, though. If you can level up your story structure with your voice, you could really kick some ass.
-g
Thanks for your comment.
Totally agree on the fact that the story took long to develop. Beginner's error in writing it in a novel as opposed to a short story format. Spot on on the "hook" part, also.
We promise our ass-kicking will reach great levels in future :)
Interesting premise but execution was lacking.
Some good concepts here, I like how you've tackled the identi-kit "talent" of the musical world. The voice is strong, but I did find him hard to relate to. Some of the language early on is a little over flourished, and sometimes you just need to say things simply and have more confidence in the story. It could also do with more conflict. That said there is certainly potential here, and worth continued development.
Overall, I liked this one and gave it an up vote. I would suggest that you work on the opening and ending a bit. The opening is a little rough, awkward language and the like. It smooths out by the time Glod get's his phone call though. It might be worthwhile to try reading it out loud and tweaking things there until it flows better.
The ending needs a bit more to it. I couldn't get a clear picture of what was going on there. Does he think he's being turned into a machine or just working with them? I'd expect a little more emotion or maybe emotion that Glod expects but doesn't experience here
Still, good work!