The iDo-30 Pact

To paraphrase ABBA, iDo, iDo iDo iDoooo!

You went out on a limb with making the formatting a part of the story. But boy did it pay off. Great read! Did I hear a trace of the Fact Core in iDo? 

Loved the story, Portal reference or no. 

The only part I had some difficulty with was how the housewife became a wanted criminal in the end. It would have worked equally well, I think, if she just got whisked away to some sinister involontary therapy or something. It seemed like a big step for her to make that transition, a step that might ave merited a story of its own. 

Hugely enjoyable.

Conceptually brilliant, strong voice, enjoyable read. Thumbs up!

I could nearly touch the characters and feel the emotions going on in the room. And I had a suspicious look at my Mac after the reading... tx for the ride.

Nice formatting! Certainly a break from the norm, but it served the story you wanted to tell--and that's the best reason to do it.

I really enjoyed this story once I slogged through pages 1-4 . I'm a sucker for tech-gone-amuck stories, and yours is a classic example. It's well done. The transcript is clearly the most engaging part of your narrative, and the story would have pretty much worked if that had been all you'd given us. That said, I appreciated everything you gave us, and I have no problems with how you chose to present the story.

Awesome work. Keep this up!

A very different story from the rest, turning it into this kind of report was inventive and worked well.  The only issue with this transcript style is that you lose the ability to describe surroundings, but given it occurred in a static location, that's not a big problem here.  I loved the little touches - the footnotes etc. 

Nathalie - 

Wow, what a fun read! At first, I thought the "legalese" formatting would make it a dry read, but it was thoroughly engrossing. I noticed a few grammar errors, and a few places where some wording could be changed for greater impact, but nothing major. Great work!

--Christa

This was awesome!  I loved it.  The amount of care you took is impressive.  I love the format.  It is clever, immersive, and more than just a gimmick.  It really tells me a lot about this world and this story.  You have absolutely nailed that style. My favorite details were just small things like the "links" and the titles.  Proustian Trans was brilliant. 

The story that is revealed is fun as well. I liked the character drama, but the tension and change in the world as a whole worked too. 

Can you tell I'm a fan of the story? I hope so. 

I have no real criticism beyond the small things that have been noted before, and not many of those. 

I don't know how I missed this before (aside from being scatterbrained).  I'm so glad you mentioned it in the Discussion! 

--Wendy

Hi Nathalie,

Congrats on winning a author review - and I'm also playing catchup on any I didn't get to read!

As others have noted, yours is an interesting and entertaining take especially in formatting it as educational material, but I'd crank that up a little, pepper it more with legalese, (contingent on, say instead of "should a commited couple") while also making sure the conditions "logically follow". So, for a minor example, I'd leave out :

Should a foreign DNA enter in contact with it, you will be responsible for your actions.

Which is a little confusing. Is it meant to be "Their" actions? And having already warned the user they have sole responsibility for the docs protection, does this add to that?

Similarly, I'd watch out for giving the age of the kids, because that sets the whole thing into a static moment, you tell us (usefully) they were born within the first 5 years, you could leave it at that, or give their birth years?

These are minor points, which suggest a little tightening will pay dividends. Slightly larger issues, are why this ID30 pact was "the last"? (Given it "went wrong" but went wrong 20 odd years after it started?) and why George suggests Estaban (or who he works for) has made money out of George and Cleo's Id30 pact? I feel I'm not quite getting the full dynamic. 

Also, I'd be careful with Estaban's voice. His report doesn't seem to reflect the importance of it - the fact he makes it to proove his innocence, say. It's tricky, as you don't want to release too much advance knowledge. It kind of depends on how a "live thoughts recording" works, I think. It either has to be totally in the moment, (which it isn't, when he is justifying not turning on the ID30 voice, for example, it feels like the sort of explanation that you give after the fact, to justify what was in fact a snap decision) or if not you should just make it the report he makes after the incident, perhaps with references back to basic biometrics (his defensive state). If thoughts can be machine recorded, you start to wonder why everyone doesn't have this, and it's a pretty big shift in technology!)

Overall, the use of references, further readings, and style make this a highly enjoyable piece, but to make it really sing, the body of the story could perhaps be a little firmer, a little more streamlined, as it's hard to get a true sense of empathy where you don't 100% understand how the story is being told...

Good stuff, though, and tax rates etc are a nice slight dystopia where feelings can have direct economic impact!

Liam