The Horse With No Head

Despite all my notes to follow, I really like this story. I'll just point out things I've been working on in my own writing and hope that you find some of it helpful. These are just oppinions so ignore what doesn't apply in reguards to your style.

I avoid adverbs when I can because they often tell without showing and they also sometimes over describe something. Sometimes they work great but here are a few examples where they just seem to bog down the prose for me:

...the dog absently thought to herself.

I’d eliminate absently, also elimante “to herslf” who else would she be thinking too? "The dog thought" works fine. The dog absently thinking doesn’t work for me because she's either thinking or she isn't. Does that make sense? Maybe you could say she was distracted by her thoughts or something.

...before obligingly following her mistress
 

obligingly and following are too close to the same. If she is following it usually implies that she does it obligingly. I think.

Her tail absently waged

You use absently again here. And I think you meant wagged instead of waged. But I’d go with "Her tail wagged." The context implies the emotion. A wagging tail tells us so much about the dog so let the wagging be the action that drives it without tainting it with an adverb that doesn’t add any flavor to the prose.

Panic, hunger, and anger wafted from his armpits, crotch, and asshole. 

I really like this line. It confused me at first, but I realized it's the dog "smelling" or "Sensing" the emotions and the senses are excreted from those areas. But I first thought of a hungry asshole or an angry crotch, and it makes me laugh. But I get it, the senses of panic, hunger and anger, excrete from him. It’s a nice way to get in the dog’s p.o.v. I like it.

And now, Moses glumly regarded, they were too young to be properly frightened.  When one primate gets scared in a pack, all the primates naturally gain that same smell.  Except for the young – too foolish to know to feel the fear.  Smelling their presence from the group, she felt their fear but knew that they didn’t understand what was going on.  Their fear was a fear out of ignorance whereas the rest of the pack, even the slightly older cubs, all smelled of the fear of experience. 

A lot of redundancy and confusion in this passage for me. The first sentence and third sentence say practically the same thing. (That the young aren't afraid.) Then in the fifth sentence you say they have fear after telling us twice before that they were too young to have fear. I understand what you are trying to say but I think this passage could be cleaned up a bit. (I think you need to make it clear that they have fear but it's a different kind to begin with, thus making this paragraph alot shorter, less expository and redundant and get us right back into the action.) 

The silence was quickly broken with a rapid succession of shots that tore into Gerard, silencing his pleas for help. 
 

This passage confused me too. The silence was broken up, but it silenced his pleas for help. I don’t get it. If it was silent before he would not had been pleading for help because that implies sound. I think you are trying to say that you couldn’t hear him pleading because of the loud rapid shots. You use the word silence twice but nothing about the scene seems quite. So maybe just say. "A rapid succession of shots tore into Gerard and the rat-tat-tat of the gun overpowered his pleas for help.” Or something like that.

Overall I like the story. If you work a little bit more on showing the scenes by giving us more action verbs and descriptions of what happens during the battle, it could be really good. As is, it’s an endearing story and you built up a great bond between Moses and Amanda.
 

While I typically like happy endings, and yours was sweet and thoughtful, I have a little bit of a hard time believing it. I think you did so good with the bond that I felt like Moses and Amanda would rather die together fighting, than to live but be separated. You’re ending is good but maybe I need some last moment between them, a look, or a lick, or something where they tell each other that everything is going to be alright instead of just having Moses reflect on it.
 

One last thing. Mose’s dream was sweet but I have a hard time figuring out what it has to do with the rest of the story. I think it may work better without it because it didn’t add a lot of emotion for me.  You had plenty of that already. Was it intended to introduce the idea that Moses is pregnant? I felt like I already knew that but maybe I had just assumed it up until that point.  If you are attached to the dream, maybe you can find a way to make it more significant, for now it just distracted me from the action and took me out of the story.
 

Thanks for sharing this James, if you have any questions or complaints about my review feel free to querry(yell) at me.

--JR--

Love me a bit of post-apocalypse. 

You hooked me immediately with the POV of the dog. So clever to dive directly into the crux of the matter and identify the parts that would repulse and fascinate (the intimate knowledge that comes with a dogs sense of smell through feces, blood, sweat) 

As with so many other stories, this feels like the first chapter of a book. And as with quite a few I've read, I'll let it pass since its just so fingerlickin' good. But sure, if you had built a complete story in this world it would have been even better. 

The horse with no head feels a mite glued on as an afterthought to add a sci fi element. It might have been a Toyota with a M-60 just as well and the story would have worked just as well. But you totally get away with it. 

As it stands, one of the better stories I've read so far and by far the best poxiclypse. I salute you. 

Wow! That is a dark little world you've got there. While I did have trouble keeping track of Moses's and Amanda's actions at the beginning (keep track of who was who) the story still flowed amazingly well.

Excellent work!

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