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Sunken Hearts
How It Rates
Description
America has been irreversibly changed, its citizens transformed and kept alive through mechanisation. A covert team, built by mechanisation themselves and under anonymous direction, work to sabotage the new Americans and their designs, one small attack at a time.
(I've now edited the story a little based on feedback, thanks again for anyone who takes the time to read/rate/review it!)
Hope you enjoy! Cheers.
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Comments
Wow! Kept me reading to the last word. Great suspense. Nice writing. Really enjoyed the creation of irony characters.
Really great concept here, and some exciting writing in the second half! Page 6 is where the story really takes off.
I didn't do an LBL, but here are some notes to keep in mind in rewrites (in no particular order):
hisher legs and what about them makes her such a good prowler. I would have liked to get that information right away, to help me realize Jack right away. Same goes for all the other characters. On the flip side, the details about Mozart "chewing" his scrap, while Anansy delicately dismantled hers with her hands, gave me a good sense of who these two are, despite not knowing what their role was in the group just then.Good writing, good read, and good luck on rewrites!
--Christa
thanks both of you for the feedback and taking the time to read the story!
christa, I see what you mean with the vagueness, I'll try and establish the scene more rather than going straight in without much explanation, and strike a balance between making the amekiran mechanisms seem mysterious/strange but at the same time make them clear enough to visualise.
and now you've mentioned the passive voice thing I can see it all over, wouldn't have noticed that at all otherwise.
thanks for the advice, it'll really help the editing (:
Holy smokes! What a story!
I actually read it without noticing your little synopsis. But that didn’t matter at all, the questions in my mind at the beginning were answered little by little as the story went along.
I absolutely loved the idea of a living, growing ship, that even had an actual heart at it’s center.
Only thing missing was a feeling for the ship’s consciousness, I’m assuming it had one.
I also got the little Anansy reference/joke. That was great.
Good work.
V.
thanks loads for the feedback, i'm glad you enjoyed it (:
Hey, YouAreNotASlave. I applaud your courage on posting your story for all the world to see. I liked the noir-like vibe you're going for (something I used in my own entry, BURN), but I think the execution could be improved. In that regard, I'm going to paste a comment here I made on the general discussion thread...
Hey, all. I've had the opportunity to read several stories today...some of this week's "hot stories" among them...and I've noticed some overarching issues like heavy use of adverbs (and adjectives), passive voice, and flowery (and clunky) language.
All these are considered 'no-nos' by White and Strunk's THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE. Is everyone familiar with it? It's long been considered the writer's bible by successful authors (Stephen King among them, for example). It made all the difference for me. I recommend anyone trying to give writing a serious go embed its words in their heart. This is just my humble opinion, of course.
Keep writing!
-Shane Berryhill
In a society where owning books makes you an outlaw, literature is kept alive by "burners," those who wage war for books by reciting their pages in rap-style battles called "burns." BURN by Shane Berryhill features "Reader" on the night of the biggest burn in his life. Reader must face off against "Shakespeare" for the title of "Librarian" while the Tolstoys, the Austens, the Wells, the Vernes, and all the other burner gangs look on. BURN is a tribute to the work of Ray Bradbury and a love letter to the written word.
Read, rate, and review BURN here: http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/burn
ta for the feedback!
When I started reading, I wasn't expecting "the Heart of the Ship" to be quite so literal. You've setup a very rich and interesting world here and really brought out the essence of your characters. There isn't much in there about why these people are killing the Amerkian ship, but I'm not sure there really needs to be. Overall, a reasonably smooth read.
Great Job!
thanks so much for the feedback! i think i'll add in some of the "why" as that seems to be the most consistent criticism. thanks for taking the time to read, i'll return the favour (:
Nicely done on managing to fit so much into a short story, without losing any coherence or the story-arc. The characters are good (loved that Anansi was so well named), the story is compelling and holds the attention well. I like that you haven't given into the temptation of putting too much backstory into this, just a few hints and clues here and there. It keeps the story a lot leaner. My only real negative is the sheer amount of times you allude to the Amekirans being too literal and/or having no sense of irony. One or two references would have been enough, but after around eight such references, I knew exactly what to expect when they got into that room. The exfiltration could have had a bit more to it, though it's covered nicely by Smithy's shock. It would appear the heart of the ship is located very close to the edge of the ship right on the dock. It's just a little too easy for them to have escaped. The ending on the cliff though is nicely dark and almost moving.