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R.F.I.D
How It Rates
Description
The story of an underground E.M.P. agent working to bring down the government in a world ruled and regulated by R.F.I.D. technology.
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Comments
Another one that needs a better voting system.
It started well, apart from needing a good proof-read. The imagery in the opening paragraph is lovely (mildly spoiled by the misplaced apostrophes). It carries on really well (barring a few bits of iffy punctuation and a few superfluous words) up until the "guy with dick tatoos" reference where things begin to get slightly muddled.
A lot of the dialogue isn't placed right. When a new person starts to speak they should get a new paragraph. Otherwise it's just confusing.
The flirting (if you want to call it that) between Trey and Tryst comes in a bit blatant and feels cumbersome. If it's to work, given that they grew up together and are on a mission together, it needs to be smoother and more subtle.
Then we get to the action, but first, here's an infodump. This slows the pace. Break it up and/or trim it back.
I wasn't convinced by the backstory of the RFIDs. A few years back I read an RFID dystopia story in FSF (or perhaps Analog, I forget) where the development of the surveillance society was done right - much MUCH slower and more subtly. It won't happen overnight, only by the "boiled frog" method. I also didn't believe the funding method of EMP, and frankly would have been happy not to be told anything about it.
So, the action sequence. Not bad but a bit over-described in places. The magic sticky patches (have you ever tried to apply a post-it by throwing it?) that magically turn androids into bombs... I didn't believe in.
When she got captured it seemed for a while that she'd done so deliberately, but it didn't feel consistent, as if you'd toyed with that as a plot device but not really decided.
The explanation of their true plan comes a bit too early - it spoils the surprise when it comes to fruition.
Overall I liked the idea, the concept, the basic plot, but it needs tightening up. I'm feeling generous enough to give it a thumbs up for that.
I liked it. You have a decent sense of mood and style. Keep working of your sentence structure and dialogue. Try reading your story to yourself out loud. If you stumble over a sentence or have to re-read it, re-write it.
You have a good core story. Now start to polish it up.
Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read the story.
I submitted this story to the workshop but only a couple days before the deadline here. I was hoping to get some help with grammar errors because no matter how much I edit I always miss some stuff.
You guys also pointed out some great stuff to work on. I am aware that when I attempt to do SciFi I tend to let charactes fall by the wayside and let plot and big idea stuff dominate. That usually ends up creating infodumps because I hate to let "good ideas" go to waste.
I should have described the adhesive detonators better as well. Perhaps I should make them magentic instead of adhesive. That would probably make a lot more sense.
Now I need to go read your stories as well. Thanks again guys
I liked this story, it does need some tightening up in terms of grammer/wording/info dumps, etc but at its core its a great idea and I like a strong woman character! You have a great and vivid way of describing stuff - I agree the discs need to be a little bit more cleared up because right now a sticky disc doesnt seem plausible, but I love that they outfoxed the Senator in terms of the poison and I like that Trey comes back to get her out. Nicely done.
I think if you spend some time going over it again (great suggestion from JoeP to read it aloud, I do that myself, its VERY helpful!) and beef it up in places, get consistent with the ideas and motivations of the characters and you'll have something really special here. Thumbs up!
Good effort, but your slice of noir could be made to work better - you need to control the info-dump in the middle, and you actually defuse your own bomb by talking about it before it goes off (talk about it afterwards, yes, but let the Senator have his moment of glory before we see him explode!)
It's also - despite the being captured, a little too easy - you don't need to explain how it is that she is found so you don't need her to have a device that signals her presence. Also, the fact that she's wearing the suit is enough (surely) for him to know that it is that which makes her invisible. She has rather too many tricks in her bag, and unless the whole thing is a ruse to get captured/to distract, it seems like she kind of wastes them by drawing attention to herself, and then bungling her escape...
Some issues with the dialog in the club - if you were attempting to mimic the effects of the loud music and lights to disorientate so I wasn't sure who was speaking when, then you succeeded! :)
Not sure what the clown scene actually adds to your piece? Not sure it is necessary. In a longer torture scene, perhaps, but as it is it feels a bit lost!
Keep at it. The world you have invented and the action is good, it just needs to be a bit grittier / leave a little more to the imagination.
Liam
I liked this. It does need a little more work to clean up the dialogue and the backstory, but the story gripped me from the start and kept me readin to the end. It flows really well, and is well paced. I've read this slightly differently from the other commenters in that I honestly felt the capture was a mistake. The way the two poisons worked the plan didn't hinge on her being captured. In that way, I don't think there are any major changes you need to make in the story itself, it just needs a little more editing.
Thank you guys so much for the feedback.
I have never done a story that is very action driven so having people say the action was good is great. I'm also torn about how to interpet the comments about if Tryst meant to get caught or didn't. On one hand, if it engages the reader to think or guess, thats fun. On the other hand, if its simply confusing then it needs to be fixed. To me she didn't get caught on purpose but since she thought it might happen she was ready.
I really look forward to cleaning this story up and moving forward with it. Now off to read stories by you guys!
I've waited too long to read this one. There were only a few places where I came across minor technical stuff in the text. (A short round with red pen should be able to catch them.) The scary part of this is that the rfid implants aren't that far outside of the realm of possibility.
Excellent work!