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Protocols
How It Rates
Description
Picture a clean healthy world with very little crime. Government androids not only do the dangerous or dirty jobs, but serve to protect us and our loved ones as well. Many diseases and the flu are eradicated. People live long healthy lives. Sounds pretty good, eh? Look a little closer though.
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Comments
When I read your "description" I thought I must have already read this one, but no, it's just an idea somebody else had too.
The opening paragraph is a bit too self-consciously poetic for my liking, which would be alright if it didn't run straight into a comment about how the viewpoint character is utterly logical and analytical. For that viewpoint the description should be accurate.
The dialogue between Malcolm and Jerron is staid and stumbling. It contains lots of infodump that you presumably thought important, but just makes it unbelievable.
The narrative is full of irrelevance and stumbling deduction with phrases like "Malcolm understood" and words like "acquiesced". This may be an attempt to portray mechanical thought processes, but it isn't executed consistently so it just feels like a stumbling attempt to show off the author's vocabulary.
So after another long bout of unconvincing dialogue, there's a big (and I mean BIG) boring infodump of back-story that I honestly couldn't bring myself to waste my time reading. (And yes, that's a less-than-constructive way to phrase it but it's the truth, and it will be the truth for a good number of potential readers, so it's something authors need to think about).
And then the plot, such as it is, happens. Meh.
DaJoHi,
I commend you on posting your work to be reviewed and critiqued. I can only hope that you'll take everyone's comments, however brusque, as a chance to reflect on your writing and improve your abilities.
My main issue with the piece is trying to figure out the story you are trying to tell. It could be a dialog driven piece but the conversations don't take us anywhere, and what little action there is doesn't drive a plot forward either. The ending is stripped of any emotional impact becuase we really know nothing about the characters.
Also, the quick descent into a one-world-government society by the world's population is rushed and implausible, but that really doesn't have any affect on the story so there's no need to be concerned with it. Just take it out.
My recommendation is to make the story more intimate, get some real emotions involved so the characters feel real. This type of story needs the world around it to be peripheral, to be described just enough to exert necessary pressure on the characters but the real action should be the conflict between the new world and the old as imbodied in the robot and the old man, respectively.
It will take a good deal of rewiting to get to a coherent story, but don't let that discourage you from trying. The only way to get there is to keep practicing and everyone can and should improve their second drafting and editing skills whenever possible.
C.
Hi,
Stylistically, you need to work on your show, vs your tell. This includes the "action" :
Malcolm told Jerron he would confront Jacob. Jerron acquiesced. Malcolm went outside and stopped several feet from Jacob's car.
You know where you want your characters to be for the next scene, but this is kind of like moving puppets around, it feels like direction, because it is. Try to come up with more natural sounding ways of doing this, it will help the readability a lot!
Obviously you also have a whole huge section about the implants and AU etc, depending on what the reader actually needs to understand of this, you can probably keep much of it private - background, for author only. It is enough to know that implants are necessary, and non-implanted are viewed with suspicion. Then you need to tackle why even with implants, Jacob is allowed to die - presumably because he's still likely to ruffle feathers, or because the implant can't do it's "real" job whatever that is. Again, this is much better shown than told, or if told, then worked in in smaller sections.
As far as that back story goes, I can't see why it is progress for people to be growing large amounts of produce, or why pedal power allows people to move out of cities (surely the reverse, unless pedal cars go faster than gas powered...). None of which perhaps I have to worry about, if you only disclose what you need for the story to work!
Keep at it, and look for examples of how people describe their world, without coming across like an encyclopedia ! (AffirmNation is a good example of this, I think!)
Liam
The
I gave this a thumbs up because I think there is a lot to like here, despite the obvious issues. I liked Jacob, and to have a character who is unable to adhere fully to the new society is a good way to go. He should be an interesting fulcrum to base your piece around, showing us the new versus the old. Yes you tell us too much, and yes the story needs work to give it a more defined arc. There is potential here though, so keep at it.
That's an interesting world you've setup there. The idea of a robot mentor following you around from childhood on is a sinister way to gain control over a society. I'm giving this a thumbs up for two reasons: one, those of us writing about Implants have to stick together, and two, there's an awful lot of potential here.
You've written out the events and some of the dialog. You've added a bit of the subtext as well. What's missing is the flow of the story as a narrative. For instance, the paragraph on page two that starts with "From outside ...." is little more than a sequence of events. You tell us what happened rather than allowing the reader to observe what's going on. There's no subtlety to it. Instead of "Malcolm told Jerron ..." walk the reader through the conversation with dialog. Do your best to show us what's happening rather than telling.
Good work and keep at it!