To read this story or to participate in this writing event, you only need a free account.
You can
To find out what this event is about click here
Progenitor
How It Rates
Description
A hacktivist, obsessed with illuminating the lies propogated by governments and corporations, realizes the unexpected consequences of his pursuit of information.
- Login to post comments
Comments
Even though certain sentances could be shortened to reduce excessive wording [example: "...one sitting in the chair across from him.." It is enough to say "sitting across from him"; "...smiled large..." It is enough to just say "smiled." ] the overall prose is of high quality. The text flows smoothly and is incredibly easy to read - which is most important after all.
However I did feel, at times and especially towards the beginning, that the dialogue was a bit clichéd. This might just be me.
I am conflicted about the plot. Even though it was fairly standard, and I could guess what would happen once I got reading, you managed to throw in a few twists and turns. I have seen such plot twists before you managed to execute them well and I never lost track of the events. It's a big plus considering all the "name-throwing," technical terms, and so on.
Verdict? I enjoyed it a lot. It was well written and easy to read with a plot and dialogue that, even if a bit clichè, managed to hook me. Well done!
I appreciate your comments, thank you. I will consider the issues of wordiness and cliché.
I think it's a great beginning. But It led me to think something was going to happen at the second part of it, though.
What kind of something?
Hey Kelly. I enjoyed this, and think you have a good concept. I didn't feel that the story had ended though and that it would benefit from a continuation. Do they manage to stop the program, and if not, what were the consequences. Potentially you could do a lot with the start you have. The second thing I wanted to know more about was the main character. What motivated him to be a hacker and expose secrets? And why would he record videos of himself ranting? Overall this was enjoyable though, and the explanations of technology didn't confuse me which given how rubbish I am at even using my phone means they must be clear! Hope this is of some use :-)
Matty
Thank you for your comments.
If you are curious about what is going to happen and what the fate of each character is, the answers to the future lie in the subtext. As a hint, consider the tale of Prometheus, his actions and his fate. If you wish to dig further, consider the meaning of the title and the meaning of names. You could also look up the characters of Deucalion and Pyrrha, their relation to Prometheus, and the Greek flood legend.
None of this is necessary, mind you. The answers to the past, the present, and the future are all there, lying just beneath the surface.
Your writing is very good, easy to read and understand. I think this story needs some help though, the ending is too abrupt for me, I was left wondering why it was over before it barely began. I get that people do tend to write manifestos/tape themselves for their own pleasure so thats fine and the first video had a great way about it, the second one was weirdly technical and verged on an info dump and that packed a lot less punch for me.
I think editing down some of the wording (as the first reviewer stated) and making the ending a bit more exciting (maybe give us an idea of what will happen if you try to shut down this new, self aware computer?) and you could have a good story here!
Thank you for your comments. I will consider either including more overt information about what will happen or continuing the story.
I liked the story, for the most part. Some editing could help, but it is readable and the prose flows well in most places.
The problem I had was that it seemd unfinished. Not so much in not knowing what was going to happen to Dael, but in the sense that I really had no idea what the actual point was. I know you commented above that it was subtext, and refrenced Greek mythology, but even with several re-reads and my own familiarity with mythology (yes, I know the story of Pyrrha and Deucalion and the rocks), I still don't see the subtextual answers. I think a bit more expansion is needed.
The overall concept has been done before, but you have put some interesting twists on it that could, with a bit more explanation, make for a really good read.
-Mak
http://www.litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/a-hundred-more
Liked it. Maybe a bit to simple. Not much of a twist.
Here's an idea: start the story with a snippet of chat dialogue between the protagonist and the a.i. As he answers back in english for the first time, to leave the reader wondering why the (panic? Awe?) reaction from the protagonist.
Then the story, then the reveal of the identity of the a.i.
Something like that could tie ip the story a bit more, maybe.
This felt like a great start to something bigger. I'd love to hear more about what happens if they attempt to stop the machine, the fate of Dael and maybe just more details before it ends. I agree with another reviewer that it sort of just ends when I feel like its just begun. Things felt like they were just picking up and then the story was done. Of course, that's my only criticism. It hooked me, it had good pacing and the formatting was good. I just wish there was more, so that's not altogether a bad thing. ;)
This is a good idea, but I think it might have been better had you concentrated on what happened before this. If you show Deucalion becoming self-aware and end on him selling out his creator, it is a much more effective twist. That's not to say there isn't good stuff here - it's well written and the flow is good. I just think that maybe coming at the story from a different angle might enliven it a bit.
The implications of a system like that are nasty to say the least. Deucalion's identity was obvious to me from the moment that the video mentioning him was brought up, but that is perfectly fine to me. I might go a little further and throw a military figure in there. There are al kinds of nasty things that a program like that could get into, and all kinds of nasty things they could use to eliminate threats.
Very well done!