To read this story or to participate in this writing event, you only need a free account.
You can
To find out what this event is about click here
Hello, if this is your first time here, login with Facebook or create a free account to get started. Otherwise, Click here to log in
Comments
Ok, reading that felt like descending into the depths of a psychotic break .... I'm not really sure what to say .... that's one heck of a dark world .... wow.
It definitely needs another round of editing. The indentation and paragraph breaks look like they were done at random rather than to any particular pattern. The story itself was very disjointed and disorienting. I had trouble keeping track of who was where and what was going on at any given moment. Then again, that might have been your goal if you were trying to put the reader inside Mike's head.
This story threw me enough that I had trouble getting through the first page :( Still, the Mythbusters proved you could polish poo. Definitely keep at it!
Whoa...this is an intense story. It reads like a stream of consciousness of a bunch of psychotic people. A very dark, horrible world you've created here.
It needs some serious formatting work. Its hard to read and I had to actually stop reading and start over again more than once to get going on it and truly understand what was happening. Even still, Im not sure I did.
Dont let any of this discourage you, there is a lot of potential for a great story in here. It needs polish, formatting and some editing love. Keep at it!
I enjoyed this story a lot! You threw so many colors of paint on the canvas of your story, that your world was vivid and real to me the entire time. The information flood in this story was intense. Like drinking from a fire hose, I was often overwhelmed, but that just forced me to slow my normal reading pace so I could actually enjoy what I was reading.
You had a real William Gibson feel going on there. I liked it.
Well done.
1. I do think you need to take a hard editing pass. At times, the narrative was disjointed, bouncing between concepts without clear divisions that might clarify what's going on. The content of your sentences can be abrupt, but make sure everything flows.
2. Check your tenses. Your story bounces between past and present tense, and there are some inconsistencies in there.
3. Check your pronoun usage. There are some instances where it becomes difficult to determine who a sentence is referring to--partially due to 1. above.
4. The prose starts out a little staccato, then smooths out later. When you edit this, I'd try to make it flow a little more evenly throughout.
I think the structure of your story is just fine--you give us the end to start off with, and then show us how we got there. Your world is as dystopian as they come, and it was illustrated in a very pleasing manner. Thanks for sharing this with us. Keep up the good work.
It's a dark, gritty, horrible world you've created. It was an unpleasant read, but I'd say that was part of the point. It seems as if you want to shock, but at the same time there is nothing here particularly shocking. The casual disdain for humanity is a valid choice for this kind of distopic landscape, but it would have been good to have be given something to lock onto. Mike doesn't come across as a character that we should invest any emotion in, so his story is read dispassionately. The only positive (ish) emotion in the story is for a sex doll, and one aimed for such a creepy market. It reminds me in a way of William Burroughs, and Cities Of The Red Night in particular, though it's certainly not a book I enjoyed or would look to read again.