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It's not what it looks like
How It Rates
Description
Planet Carnathia's number one destination is Sentago, The Playground of the Fourteen Worlds. If you're not a big player you can soon become one, because anyone can be anything and there's virtually no lifestyle that's off limits. Screft Galbraith knows this all too well - he's lived in Sentago for two years despite how his kind is the only one not welcome anywhere, let alone Carnathia's perfect city. Screft's disguise and desire to live as a human have got him this far, partly because he was lucky enough to meet Oscar, a succsessful young player with liberal values who can afford to live in a sentient home, the latest craze to take off in Sentago. Only the home Screft and his partner have made friends with knows all their secrets, and it's time for Screft to finally tell the one who loves him most what he really is. If Oscar manages not to run, he just might make a confession of his own.
Comments
Hi Chacron,
I really liked the idea of the Kendrii people. And I also thought the idea of a talking house was good.
However, there are things which need more work. For the most part, the story is made up of the characters back stories. Not much really happens in it. You've got a lot of good material here, but it needs editing so that it doesn't just sound like a compliation of ideas and character descriptions. You need to show more about the characters through what they say and do, rather than have so much information about their histories.
I'd like to read it again if you update it :)
This story is full of surprises. SPOILER alert if you haven't read it yet.
The non-human intelligence at the start of the story is a sentient house. All the characters have secrets to reveal--and revealing is the entire plot, and almost all the narrative tension is over whether the revealations will lead to heartbreak. There's an indication that there are higher stakes, but the story leaves it as background noise. If the story were to be developed further, it would be cool to see the characters actually interacting with the various antagonists. It would be cool to see an actual fight, instead of just hearing all description about how one of the characters is a totally bad-ass fighter.
There are moments when the prose is quite funny. However, on the fix-it list, sometimes it wasn't entirely clear (to me, anyway) what was going on--some passages need a polish for clarity. Also, in the end it's a tad confusing because it seems that the house was off-line during much of the story, even though it has been narrating all the events. (And there's a surprise twist at the end about the house, too.)
In some ways this is a love story, told from the point of view of a third person (the house.) I sometimes longed to be closer to the emotion of the story, closer to the characters with lots at stake. Recently I read a book that does this trick--narrating a love story from a third-party's POV--very well. (Tiger Lily by Jodi Lynn Anderson; the narrator is Tinkerbell.) So I know it's possible to do this.
On a philosophical note, I wonder about the theme of forbidden love in this story. The two lovers are gay, both "male." But only one of them is human. The non-human comes from a homophobic culture. What does "same-sex relationship" mean when we're talking about two lovers from entirely different species? How is it that the maleness of the non-human conforms so closely to the maleness of a human? (Wait, is "maleness" a word? I should probably say masculinity or something.)
Overall, I enjoyed the world-building here and I would be willing to hang out in this world for a longer story. I could be wrong, but this reads as an early draft, and I hope I'll get to see a further draft with more action.
Thanks for sharing!
Hello to both of you,
Thanks for taking your time to critique the story, it's my first submission and a competition so I was nervous as hell and I'm glad I've now had two people actually say they liked things in it.
A quick newbie note: help me out here with the review feedback, I can't figure out how to give you both Very Helpful reviews so you get your points. Perhaps I can't because this is a competition but I might have missed something as I'm new to the layout and format of this place.
I'm hearing the backstory comments loud and clear. I realise it was a risk I took, if I could have written an Author's Agenda for this one I would have put 'Is there enough action to go with the background?' and it looks like I've got a 'no' on that one. I can sort that without much trouble.
I've got a good 40 pages of material written with Screft and Oscar, it was a novel I shelved because after a while I couldn't make it go anywhere. I dared bring it back out and try condensing some of the ideas into 4000 words and keeping to a few rules as it was for Teleport Us. I began to wonder if this wasn't quite the right story and set of ideas to enter with but I persued it anyway as an exercise in discipline. I obviously haven't nailed this one in 4000 words.
The problem I have with liking Sci-fi is that I've spent my life reading doorstoppers and never read much shorter stuff, so I decided to be ambitious by writing less for a change. Perhaps this was the wrong story to do it with: I've already stacked up so many ideas that I was bound to overstuff it with backstory. The idea of Screft being non-human didn't occur to me in all the stuff I wrote so far, but I realised it might just be the making of this and that's one of the other reason's I tried it. Even if I don't get a novel out of this setting and these characters I'm now thinking this is a longer short story at least, I feel like it needs more breathing space so I can get in some of the things that Haley suggested: a Kendrii-fight (I've written plenty of violence before, that could be satisfyingly explosive in my hands); a better exploration into what a sexual preference is to a non-human; a better knowledge of what's at stake if these character's lives fall apart. All very good advice.
To Haley:
I'm glad you raised the problem of the house being offline but the human still being able to see what she does. In my mind all that's explainable but to a reader I obviously haven't explained enough. It was one of the things I had to keep short because of my word limit but I should have perhaps put more in to explain that, at the expense of something else. I won't explain all of it here, I'll eventually get to a redraft or a new version of this that will make that much clearer.
You're right about the early draft thing, this is the second of the short story version and technically a third as I pulled it from something I wrote around a year ago. I'm glad you're willing to hang out in this world for another one as I'll definitely try it, I might even tidy up and workshop some of what I started with as an exercise in trying to do what you described.
I'm not sure what to think on this story. It definitely needs another couple of editing read throughs to clean it up but you have a pretty solid structure. There is a clean beginning, middle, and end to the story with one of the cleaner endings I've seen in the challenge. Some of the language feels muddled, as if it were a smudge in a pencil drawing. Most of it is stuff that letting the story steep in a drawer for a while before editing again should help you to spot and clean up.
You did a good job of setting up your three characters and their backgrounds. It would have been nice to get a better feel for the world they are living in, but that doesn't really seem necessary for the set of events you have here. In fact, I'd say you've got your length for this particular story just about dead on. LibreOffice is telling me your document has 3988 words in it and you were able to fit everything needed for a complete story into that space!
Working within an imposed limit forces you to focus in on what is essential to the story. It also gives you a good vehicle to use when exploring a new idea or technique without having to devote the time and energy needed for a longer form that might turn out to be throw away.
There's definitely talent behind your writing! Keep at it!
Note: Unless I'm totally mistaken, I don't think events give you away to mark reviews/comments as helpful. I think that might be a workshop thing only ...
Hi Arlane,
Thanks for taking your time with this. I'm glad you suggested more of the world these guys live in because that's exactly how I felt about it, I kept it to quick descriptions as it was one of things that made me say 'If only they'd given me 5000 words and not 4...' I agree it's not the most important thing here but I've been a little obsessed with settings ever since a friend of mine who critiqued another story I wrote kept coming back to this line about how my protagonist grew up on a farm and said 'But I don't get any sense of what this farm was like.' I daresay i'd get a similar comment about my city here.
Thanks for the talent compliment, I just woke up and that's a good start to the day!
I think the trick is to intertwine the exposition of the backstory with the ongoing events of the charater's actions, and to allow the reader to fill in the blanks. I use this technique in my writing to bring in hints of the backstory, while at the same time moving the main arc forward. You have a good story here, and my main advice would be to strip out all the background, and then entwine it around the narrative through character exposition and musing in a sparing manner.
Hi Chacron,
Hmm... Well... An interesting bunch of semi-familiar ideas combined in an interesting way. Unfortunately the execution lacks something. Part of the problem is the sense that you never quite made your mind up how to do it. For example, the point-of-view is inconsistent - it's mostly Angela's (in the persona of Orix) but yet (as you actually admit quite early on) the bulk of the story happens out of her sight. Similarly the bucket-load of ideas you've thrown in the mix means you have nowhere near enough space to give them the attention they deserve (hey, I know, it's one of my favourite mistakes to make!)
I've not yet read any of the other comments except Rachel's. I think I agree with her "main advice" but would add this: pick one of the themes/plots/ideas as the one you're going to work on and dial all the others down. 4000 words just isn't enough to handle more than that.
Hope that helps.
Thanks both of you. Next time I've got 4000 words to play with I'll keep a smaller scale in mind. I'm thinking what I'll do with this is add more to it and eventually workshop a different draft.
Hi Chacron,
Congrats on your first submission! My LBL is pretty extensive, but a few high level notes.
So it sounds like you have a ton of material on this story, but widdled it down to fit the parameters of the contest, so I kept that in mind. I also read the story twice, then did the LBL.
The biggest problem with writing sci fi is that a lot of this story lives in your head, so when you write, you understand the answer to simple logistics, backstory, etc, but the reader doesn't and is left confused. This happens in your piece and I try to point it out. Very correctable stuff.
The mash up of homosexuality and sci fi is a bit tricky. It seems to me you have a story and message of tolerance and acceptance that you want to tell, but doing it in what seems to be the way future is a bit odd to me. It is also very point of fact, there doesn't appear to be much subtext. Oscar seems to react pretty good to such a shocking revelation, one of inter-species sex! Not the first time I've seen that in sci fi, so I can wrap my head around that part. I do think we need a better understanding of how exaclty S. decided on Earth in a stolen spacecraft, was undetected and found Oscar.
As for the Orix story, not sure why Angela needed to pretend to be the house at all? I really would have preffered if the Orix was a sentinent house, that would have offered a very interesting POV. The fact that it was part of a sting operation didn't quite jive to me. So ten pages of this story is very much about a relationship and love, then it pivots with a "reveal" isn't nearly as interesting as if the house really was aware and actually had a POV since it has a personality thanks to the dream morphine.
So basically you are trying to pull a lot off with a very short word count, which I understand is part of the contest. These might be too big of plot points to change for you, but I would strongly consider Scrept not leaving because of his sexuality, "gay alien" heads to Earth because it's accpeted there? But they despise his kind! I think you can introduce him to Oscar in a different light, where his sexuality doesn't mean that much? I would also recommend you let Orix be a sentient house somehow. You can still have Angela, but perhaps she has intervened to the Orix data doesn't rat out S.
Ultimalty, you know the story you are trying to tell, so you'll figure out what jives with the spirt of it and what doesn't. I hope these comments are helpful and stay with it! Deets999
Hi Deets,
Thanks for all that, I've been looking forward to that since our message correspondance.
I think you've hit it dead on the nail about Orix needing to be a complete Sentient. I wrestled with that idea during my redraft and at one point I almost did it, but I went for broke and tried the slightly harder to swallow version. I can easily accept it doesn't quite work. Angela is the newest character I've created (her family line I created quite a few years ago and I've used at least three previous generations of, but none of that was important to this little number) so assigning her a slightly different role will be simple, I'm actually liking what you suggest already about her, it's got me thinking.
I'll go read your LBL, if it's as extensive as you say perhaps I should take an evening over it!
-C.
Great critiques from the commenters -- I'd add an additional phraseology: much of this (esp. in the beginning) is DNA -- keep it in mind and in your notes, but most of it, we don't need to see. Express it instead -- in their actions, words, hints at backstory. Engrain it into their characters, and then let them live the story.
You've got good flow, and a friendly, informal writing style that lots of folks can relate to, just provide a little better continuity and not so much DNA.
Also, I'm not quite sure about the single quotes. Could just be a pet peeve of mine, but singles go inside of doubles -- sometimes a unique format is distracting rather than inviting. Is it an English thing? Just wondering.
Tim
I was completely satisfied reading this story.
I'm in awe that you packed so much detail in only 4k words! Completely amazing. Your characters were very real, and you unfolded your twists with a deftness. Really, there are a lot of layers here, and they all served to make this story very rich.
Sure, there's some editing to be done, but this one--to me--stands out from the pack. Nicely executed. So well done.
Thanks Ethan, glad you liked the detail and how I packed it all in. When I return to this story I'll be sure to let you know once my next version's workshopped.
-C.
Write these words for your first paragraph: "As Oscar comes back in with two cups, Screft says, 'Want me to prove it?' If an apartment could hold its breath, then I'd be doing it."
With that beginning, you would create a suspense that would draw your reader in, and then if you could maintain it, keep the reader enthralled throughout. The problem currently is that your narrator is a sentient house and doesn't partake directly in any of the action until the end. Up to that point, because it's a house, we get a great deal of backstory and exposition. What we need, more than the backstory, is to have real encounters with the conflicts that are going on here--the conflict between Oscar and Screft. Between Oscar and his family. Between Screft and his family. Between them and society. You have built great opportunities for these things. Know that backstory yourself, and then set the characters loose in the world they inhabit.
This is not to say lose all the backstory in the story itself. Not at all. The big problem with having a sentient house as a narrator is that it only gets to observe, usually. The big advantage of having a sentient house as a narrator is that YOU HAVE A SENTIENT HOUSE AS A NARRATOR! How cool is that! Heh. Also, though, since she's sentient, she can talk to the characters--obviously has. But instead of telling us about that, have flashbacks. I'm not a huge fan of flashbacks, myself, but I think they might work here. After that opening I suggested, have a flashback to Screft telling the house his secret. But show us that. Something like, "I first found out Screft's secret when he was forced to shapeshift, or risk organ failure." and then go on with the house relating the story--the narrative, not the 'telling' exposition--of the conversation that followed. In that way, we the reader discover it along with the house, and then we, too, will hold our collective breaths as we wait to find out what Oscar's answer will be.
PS (Post reading the comments, above): I like Haley's comment about this being a love story where all the characters have something to hide. Yes. Use that. Because this is also a love story about the house falling for Oscar and Screft. Rachel's comments: yes. Deet's: I definitely think the house should be wholly a sentient house and not also a person-person and I should have said that up in the main part of my review. :-)
In the end, you have some great opportunities here to explore prejudice and acceptance as it occurs in the future. Keep chiseling away at the sculpture that is within the marble.
This is a story I would really love to read, when properly tweaked. It's got a great potential, but you have to "feel" your characters more. Especially Orix. I figure she's pretty difficult to manage, cause you don't want to give away too much too soon, but I hope you'll want to work on this story and make it shine.
I'm sorry in case I'm repeating what someone else has already said, but I normally don't read other's reviews. I think when you see the same impression sufficiently reiterated then you can make a decision about it.
That said, I think most of the issues with this story can be solved going with first person pov, and working the first pages so as giving the reader some extra elements about the world we're in. I copy/paste my notes as I was reading:
*I love second person pov. Good idea starting with an invitation to visit the place. Stay more with the readers as the house speaking from the beginning -- before you introduce the
other characters -- so that we can get used to its voice and don't get lost. Orix should tell more about being a sentient house in Sentago. A good way would be complaining about the Kendrii, stuff they have done already. Stay more in the pov. I find too much first/second person shifting is alienating. I think first person is more fitting with this story.
I like the way Oscar is the less fresh character, when Screft was the one supposed to be the dirty one for having kept a huge secret.
I think the story is full of interesting aspects to be further developed if you want to stay extra time with it.*
You'll find more in the LBL. Take what you find useful, ditch the rest.
Cheers,
C.
I read this for the first time a while back, and held off commenting because I wasn’t really sure how I felt about it. The concepts were good, but it seemed to be a case of a concept in need of a story arc. A sentient house is a very cool idea, because it can both observe and interact with the other characters. I don’t think I quite get the twist that Angela and Orix are the same, or why that was needed in the story. The majority of this is about love and acceptance, and the ending confuses that slightly. I think you either need to concentrate on the more personal story here, the relationship between Oscar and Screft and the revealing of the secret, and up the anticipation and tension of the reveal, or you need to bring in the surveillance angle from the beginning and give that more weight. Personally if you were looking to develop it further (so not restricted to 4,000 words) I’d be tempted to go down the latter path, and have the secrets revealed as a strand within the bigger picture. There’s a lot to like here, and I think it’s worth sticking with.
Thanks all of you, after all the feedback I'm up for a pretty major reinvention of this. Not quite sure where to make it go exactly and at the moment I have another project that's more interesting, but look out for this one again in the workshop sometime. All feedback has been much appreciated.
Hello!
I prefer when the background and information needed to grasp the story is fond through the actions and dialogue of the characters instead of having a narrator tell you. That's, according to me, the main problem with this text. It feels as if I'm sitting around a campfire, being told a retelling of some story, instead of living it. Still - it doesn't mean that the story is bad. I like it!
It contains all the elements needed for the “Teleport US” event, it managed to keep me interested, and I left the last page with a smile. The prose was funny at times, you had some interesting ideas, such as talking houses, and even though it could use one more revision to condense the text it's a thumb's up!
Regards, Fredrik
Thanks for the feedback, nice to get another comment after nearly a month. I'm deliberately not looking at this story at the moment as I don't have a lot of time to work on writing so I'm waiting for a few months before I can focus on it again properly. All feedback's welcome though.