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How It Rates
Description
decaying quickly,
read fast.
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Comments
Welcome to LitReactor Corrigan!
I don't know if you read the prompts for the Teleport Us challenge, but this story doesn't seem feature the necessary elements. For this reason, I'm not going to vote, but I'll give you some feedback anyway, hopefully some of it will be useful.
You have a very inventive language, and on occasion you really hit the mark. That said, I believe less is more should apply here. When you string fairly complicated metaphors, similes and concept one after the other it's quite hard to follow the narrative. Besides, a gem will stand out more if it's surrounded by more functional language. At any rate, and in my opinion, style should never trump readability.
Regarding structure, I confess I did not follow the POV, and I'm still not sure what happened and to whom. Maybe you could make the transitions clearer? Or start by establishing the POV character so we know who we're following (without giving away too much)? Was the ability to read memories real, or an instinct the mortician had developed through experience?
Anyway, I think this concept could really work if you make events a little clearer.
I've attached my LBL, take what makes sense and disregard the rest.
Thank you for sharing!
I'm missing the alien element in this story, as well as the dystopia/utopia. It doesn't seem to fit the requirements of the contest.
That said, there is a certain rhythm and flow to the writing. Overall, the story is a little dry, and really reads more like a lecture than a story. There is some good language choice, but some of the sentences are a bit long and convoluted, with too much going on in them. It gets confusing and I found it easy to get lost. The POV was a bit confusing as well. It seemed to shift? At any rate, it should be clearer. In general, I think a lot of trimming and tightening would make this a much more readable story.
-Mak
http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/a-hundred-more
I don't want to beat a dead horse, so I won't repeat what the other two commenters have said. It seems like the guidelines were lost a bit, but you've got a nice prose voice. Hang in there and keep writing!
If you feel like reading it, here's mine: http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/gizmo
Other reviewers have already mentioned guidelines and POV shift, but I thought I'd say that I think your language is really interesting and drew me in in the first paragraph. While I did get somewhat lost along the way, I think you could edit this some and have an interesting piece even if it doesn't quite fit in the guidelines of this challenge.
As Ispieller said, keep writing! I've found that reading stories here on LR and getting feedback from others has been very helpful for me. Good luck!
A very eloquent work. You did a good job describing the feelings of your mortician as he was cleaning up a body. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to fit the challenge at all :(
Still, I'd give this story a shot in another venue!
You have nailed the tone of this, by parts creepy, touching with a hint of melancholia. The story doesn't do it justice though. There is no beginning, middle and end, and I've read it through a couple of times, and still couldn't distinguish between the narrative switches. I'm not terribly bothered whether or not this fits within the challenge criteria, but I'd have liked to have seen a more comprehensible tale. If you had that alongside this tone and an occasional wonderful turn of phrase (I particularly liked "This is Clorox sterilized, factory-sustained purgatory scented oddly with the sticky linen smell of children eating fruit."), then it would elevate the story.