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History Lesson
How It Rates
Description
Jimmy learns that being under the heel of the enemy is no place to be.
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Comments
Oh dear. The desription (Jimmy learns something blatantly obvious) didn't bode well. The story itself...
OK, I'll try my best to be positive, or at least specific.
This entire tale, such as it is, is quite literally TOLD, as a lecture. The occasional interruptions by members of the class merely add a distracting annoyance. The classroom setting with typically disruptive kids and a teacher's pet gives absolutely no sense of danger or struggle, so the lecture holds as little of the reader's attention as it does of the class's.
The description of Jimmy and his classmates, the teacher, the scientists, and above all the choices of names are clearly telling the reader that these are humans and the "behemoths" are alien. So the "oh so clever twist" that Dr. Petrov turns out to be a spider... shows the author up as a liar. This is a common error in "twist" stories.
If you're writing from a non-human viewpoint it needs to feel non-human.
The poor quality translation is, sadly, a very much overused device. It can almost work for human interpretation of alien language if done well, but with it being such a cliche you need to do it really well. In this case it didn't work.
Hi Rob,
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and critique it! Very much appreciated.
I definitely agree on the organization/format of the story itself. I personally thought it mostly worked but only because of the short story format. I would love to hear what approach you would have taken to the narrative.
I 100% disagree with you on the whole names "clearly" telling the reader that the characters were human. Once you get the to end, that is when you realize that you are actually reading from the perspective of the insects (cockroaches), thus you should be reading it as if you were one of them. That means the names, activities, and so forth should all feel as natural and normal as they do for us in everyday language. Certainly Dr. Petrov is no less viable translation as Ssssshtyxxxxrrhh von Blattodea or some other arbitrary name (honestly what would have made you happy in that regard?). For the whole thing to feel non-human would have detracted from the very point I wanted to make.
I know you wanted danger and struggle but that wasn't what I was delivering here. I wanted the reader to think about the possibility that insects such as cockroaches may very well be as sentient as us - we merely lack the communication capability to know it. It's a creepy thought when you think about how we treat them. But maybe not quite as creepy as imagining them assassinating you in your sleep by crawling through your esophagus to poison you. ;-)
Thanks again for taking them time. /bow
~Mark
PS> I told a friend at lunch about your review and she yelled in front of the whole restaurant "What the reproductive act is wrong with him?" Such a potty mouth on that one.
I suspect we'll just have to agree to disagree on the insect perspective, but I don't think you will succeed in making any point about insects being "as sentient as us" (which is tenuous at best) if you rely on casting them as identical to us then "shocking" your reader by revealing that you've misled them all along.
I'm sorry my tendency towards a rather ascerbic tone offended your friend so publicly. ;)
Addendum:
On the subject of names, I'm not saying use something unpronounceable, but something that fits your characters. If you want to stick with human-type names, the native Americans had descriptive names - something like Long-Eye or Soft-Back would suit without sounding too blatantly silly. Or if you're aiming for humour, western names like Doug and Kjell (Swedish, pronounced "shell") would look just as human (which you seem to want) but when the reveal comes and I realise I've been misled, I'd think "oh, but there were subtle clues, how clever" rather than "Pah! He lied to me!"
Thanks for the follow up! I will also agree to disagree. I like your idea on the pun names.
I'm afraid I agree with Rob. The lecture story format carries zero narrative tension. There's nothing at stake, save Jimmy getting schooled. The twist is manipulative. If you want to see how to write spiders well, read "A Deepness in the Sky" by Vernor Vinge. Truly amazing.
I did like the reference to the Theremin.
Hello sir,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
I always love suggestions on further reading and will definitely look for "A Deepness in the Sky" once I am done with my current distraction ("Time and Again" by Jack Finney).
I knew a lot of people would get the Theremin reference but my favorite that most people probably won't get is General Archbold. Archbold is the name of a man who died from unknown causes while consuming roaches (and worms) in a contest to win a python.
http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/09/us/florida-roach-eating-death
I quote:
...Cockroaches themselves don't transmit disease, though "many disease-causing organisms can grow and multiply in their guts and can then be deposited ... during defecation."
I loved it! Vivid and riveted! It was great fun and i want more. Thumbs up!
Steven,
Thank you, you made my day. I had a great time writing it, though next time I won't procrastinate until 4 hours before the deadline to start (Who am I kidding? Of course I will).
I am sending you positive mental vibes that will improve your life. That $5 bill that wooshed through the air into your path? That bird that crapped on that dude wearing his pants half way down his ankles? That buxom vixen that accidentally brushed up against you while in line getting milk and eggs?
You're welcome.
~Mark
I liked it! It was a lighthearted take on a bit of dark humor from am unexpected perspective. It was quick and didn't waste words, a valuable quality in a short story. Sprinkled with allusions and humor and an eerie feeling that something isn't right. Clearly a part of a bigger whole, and I'd love to read the rest.
Bravo
Thank you so much! This was my first attempt at public writing and it's inspiring to know I'm not completely out of my element here.
I wanted to like this, but it just never quite delivered enough to be fully engaging. The lecture format was far too info-dump like, and the whole story needed more present action. Perhaps tell Dr. Petrov's story in flashbacks, making that the main action of the story, and jump back to the lecture at a few points. There were a few points where the language was a bit over much, and could use some tightening.
There were good points. I got the idea fairly early on that we were looking at non-human things talking about humans. Unlike some other readers, you did get that across to me. The basic idea has possibilities. I think it could be worked into a workable story.
-Mak
http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/a-hundred-more
Thank you for your comments, Mak. That seems to be the running theme here - that it needed more action, urgency, and tension. I can agree with that I suppose. Good suggestions on how to rectify that. /salute
I enjoyed the story and the basic premise. I do think it feels as though its more of a segment of a bigger story since we're just peeking into a classroom and never get any real conflict amongst the characters. Maybe if you sort of book end with the classroom scene but actually delve into the scenes with Dr. Petrov, we might feel like its more active and less of an "info dump" as another reviewer said.
I do think it has plenty of potential. I like Rob's suggestion of names, and I do feel as though you left us little clues along the way (the giant's name was Brad, for instance). Maybe add more of those nods and give us a better idea that they are cockroaches. I was trying to make sense of that kind of bug they were and hadn't thought of roaches at all.
This is a story that revolves around the twist. Those are very hard to do well - if you don't drop enough hints to the twist, you get the reaction Rob talks about. Drop too many, and the twist is so obvious it lacks any impact. I do think you tend more towards the former here. A good twist makes you read back and re-evaluate the story, looking to see what signs are there. I read recently that Shyamalan didn't want to include the "I see dead people" line in Sixth Sense, as he thought it was too big a sign to the twist, but he went with it because it was felt that more hints were needed. The lecture setting is an issue. Like the title suggests this is a history lesson rather than a story. These are all fixable issues though, and your tone and flow of writing is good. Develop the story and throw in more (subtle) hints to the twist, and this would be a good story.
1. I knew they were cockroaches, not sure how people thought they were spiders?
2. While the lecture wasnt super thrilling it was well written stuff and I enjoyed it. It explained the world well, gave us a lot of details and served a very clear purpose. I thought it was funny that the "twist" was clear but not clear and it made everything that came before it humorous to me that these cockroaches would study us "behemoths". Your comment above about how creepy it is to think that maybe (MAYBE) cockroaches are just as sentient as us is right on. It IS creepy and adds another layer to this story. (it makes me shiver with fear to think of them crawling into my body to poison me...ew...just...EW).
3. I loved the "reproductive act" swearing! That was hysterical to me and I want to steal it for everyday use!
Overall I say it succeeds.
You wont always please everyone all the time but you most certainly pleased me. Well done :)
Nice twist! I wasn't quite sure the behemoths were humans and the students insects until the scene with Petrov. The incomplete translations were a nice touch, it adds a degree of believability to the whole thing. Using the name Theramin early on threw me for a while there.
Excellent work!