Game On

Nice. Like the worldbuilding with the protagonist having nothing meaningful to do. Interesting idea with computer games being so immersive they kill their users.

It is quite plain that this is part of another, bigger, story. Which is fine, but it kind of detracts from the story having a good story arc. Also, the non human character? 

Here's what I thought was awesome:

I love your setup here, and this is definitely a character I can get behind. I would love to read the whole, longer story this is pulled from. It seems really interesting! You throw quite a few concepts at us. I could see this excerpt almost as an hour out of an ongoing TV show.

The game concept has been done before, but who cares. I'm a sucker for this type of story. I love tech gone amuck.

Yout story moves at a brisk pace. It's an action story, and it's interesting all the way through.

The pink paint stuff is classic. Well done.

Here's what I think needs to be improved **SPOILERS**:

Any shortcomings in this short form are a result of distractions coming from the larger story. With only 4k words here, you have to remain pretty focused if you want to get your point across--in this case, the video game (if that was your intent). Anything that isn't directly related to that plot should be discarded.

The game, your plot centerpiece, takes awhile to come into play. And even then, Jack doesn't experience it himself. That is actually ok, but I would personally liked to have seen some more direct interaction or peril.

Probably too many minor characters are introduced--Kelso, McAngus.  We don't really know anything about them (nor do we need to), so it's hard to deal with their appearing on the scene that late in the story.

I wasn't sure I understood why they didn't have gear that would protect them from the elements outside. It would seem to me that they would have to have protective gear capable of handling the hazardous conditions outside--even in a storm?

The stuff with Indy is mostly a distraction in this format...but I will say that I appreciate the hero getting smacked down at the end for no good reason considering he saved everybody. That's gratitiude for you!

In summary, I think with some focusing, this story would really start to shine. Thank you for sharing this with us. Keep writing!

Great story!  I loved the ending!  This was a fun read, fast moving and intriguing plot.  I never lost interest, which for me says a lot as I tend to have a short attention span.

I don't think one would have known it was part of a longer story had you not mentioned that fact.

Not being a professional writer, I have little advise to offer.  I do want to say, "Good job, keep up the great work.  I enjoyed it.  Thank you for this story."  

There are some very nice ideas displayed here, and the tone and flow is good.  The farcical parts are amusing – I love the idea of not having time to train so Jack having to watch the (perfectly named) FIDo paint.   Touches like the name of the game show a playful, almost satirical, side which means this doesn’t come across too heavy.  It’s a slow build into the story arc but the latter parts don’t feel rushed which always a good sign.  If I was going to be critical I’d say that Indira adds little to the story such as it is, though her reaction at the end damps down the more traditional heroic finish.  Also, “I don’t want to be a hero” is verging on cliché.  These are fairly trivial negatives however.