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Ahti Ahde's picture

Don't Do It

By Ahti Ahde in Teleport Us

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Description

Adam is ascending to the Adulthood -- a paradise upon Earth, for hard working good citizens -- and leaves everything else behind. But good friends still must say good byes. (1,900 Words)

Comments

Ahti Ahde's picture
Ahti Ahde from Helsinki, Finland is reading Horns by Joe Hill February 28, 2013 - 3:05pm

I only had five hours to start and finish this, because of course I got surprise job gig (and I really need the money :/ ), the week this comp has the deadline. But I am quite happy, I was positively surprised how well I work under pressure, but I wasn't able to explore all the aspects I had planned to.

I actually wanted to use the Androids as a metaphor for LGBT-couples Adoption-rights, but I believe I failed to deliver that aspect. I will rewrite this with better time and post to Workshop, so any comments regarding how I could approach that aspect better would be Golden!

Thanks for the read!

klahol's picture
klahol from Stockholm, Sweden is reading Black Moon February 28, 2013 - 9:27am

I like it, it has a dreamy quality that sets it apart from a whole lot of stories I've read here. It can be a bit confusing, at times, but the narrative feels alive and is engaging. 

I did kind of catch on the whole 'fuck me' thing, it tended to be a mite repetitive. 

Overall, liked it. Thumbs up! 

Juice Ica's picture
Juice Ica from Rhode Island is reading The Twelve by Justin Cronin & Beautiful Creatures February 28, 2013 - 11:30am

I like this, it is different from the stuff, more stream of consciousness than straight up narrative. The fuck me / dont fuck me thing was a bit repetiative but otherwise I liked the ending even though part of me new it was coming. Good job.

Liam Hogan's picture
Liam Hogan from Earth is reading Hugo Nominations March 16, 2013 - 6:29pm

Good effort in five hours, but it desperately needs to hang together better - a polish to avoid indecipherable phrases like  

Adam had very distained relations to his parents

Distant? Strained? Both in one word? :)

And a deeper treatment, it isn't entirely clear what the story is! Also, try - as much as you can in a short - to not have the asides that explain the world you are in, not in a "encyclopedia" type voice, anyway. Some omnipresent voices can do that, but this isn't one of them - so the explanations at the least have to be told from her perspective, and done with a light touch.

Keep going though. It should be interesting when you get there.

Liam

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. March 19, 2013 - 11:47am
For five hours, not bad!  There's a great deal of emotion between your narrator and Adam.  It's easy to see that the two of them care for each other deeply.  The idea is solid, the situation and setup are good, about the only thing I can really suggest is a few more drafts. :)
 
A few things to fix when you get a moment:
  • Page 2: "... took part to the Russian roulette ..." that "to" should be "in"
  • Page 3: "... Adulthood would had ripped ..." should be "would have" but I'm not sure about the rest of that sentence.  "ripped the base of ..." doesn't make sense to me.
  • Page 4: "... the time I accidentally killed everyone I used to know." WTH!? That needs a little explianation  ....
  • Page 5: "... blend to the population ..." that "to" should be "into".  Also "... could had just ..." and "... wouldn't had wasted ..." the two "had"s should be "have".

Of course, those might not be all that useful to you if you're reworking the story latter.  Still, Good Work!

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) March 20, 2013 - 4:56am

Impressive for five hours work, but it does really need more time on it.  It doesn't feel quite coherent enough yet.  The potential is there, give it a few more drafts and it'll probably start to come together a lot better.

Ahti Ahde's picture
Ahti Ahde from Helsinki, Finland is reading Horns by Joe Hill March 21, 2013 - 2:23am

Thanks for all the comments!

I wish I could soon participate more to the competition (and LitReactor in general), but I've been utterly busy with work and I am taking the entrance examinations to a locla Uni for Movie Scriptwriting, and the tasks are quite overwhelming. But I am having great time with it! :)