Defiance

Hey, 

Just a few notes about this one. I rather enjoyed the section where the alien was interacting with the humans directly, and felt as though those were some of the strongest parts. The narration was well done at times, especially when the alien would use an awkward phrase to describe what he was encountering. However, my problems mainly stem from how much of the story is inside the head of the alien. There are periods where there is telling where showing could occur--such as when they are questioning the alien and it responds. This short story also reads as if it's a compressed version of a longer tale. Perhaps with other critiques, you could lengthen it, and form a rather sizeable short story from it. 

First person narratives can be tricky to write, and unfortunately as the previous poster said, you have fallen into the trap of show over tell in places  e.g. “I am looking through the wreckage of a train station”.  I agree with the previous comments that the section with the alien being questioned is the strongest, but you cover the important part in just one paragraph.  I’m not sure either why the alien started to help the humans, his motives are covered in just one line and self-preservation doesn’t seem to fit.  I may have missed it, but I couldn’t find a reason for the town being captured, or why the inhabitants are kept unaware.  There is promise here, and I don’t want to just concentrate on any negatives.  The world is well described, and there the idea behind the story is a good one.  It just needs a bit more work, and you’ll have a very solid story on your hands.

Good concept. I like the exploration of what an alien invasion would be like if, no matter what Wil Smith movies indicate, the aliens were vastly advanced in relation to us and thus we had no means of fighting back.

I'd recommend starting with the second paragraph. The first one is exposition and doesn't add anything the reader particularly needs or that we don't find out organically in the following paragraphs (it soon becomes evident, even without the first paragraph, that the protag is an alien, that its race has invaded, and that it's wandering around because, well, it can). That gets you right into the narrative of the dogs and the girl and the conflicts of the story.

Why does the protag refer to itself as "I" before it's cut off from the Collective? Wouldn't it refer to itself as 'we'? Also, why would the Collective wonder why it hadn't killed the girl yet? Wouldn't the Collective already know? Or is it more like ants and/or neural pathways: the message is sent out and back, but there's a delay--pheremonal scent paths for ants, nerves and ganglia and such for bodies? If that's the case, more set-up is required.

The protag doesn't seem to go through as much trauma as one might expect, cut off from the Collective. Although, hey, alien, so maybe that just happens. :-)

Some fine-tuning quibbles: There are some fragments that read awkwardly. Also, you repeat the information about needing to be in Defiance and that the aliens are sucking out the air. The first explanation, in the jail, was a good one. I liked that back-and-forth of dialogue. Another repetition is when the protag is wondering at not feeling anything when it sees its downed comrades (though, why would it? They're just expendable digits of the Collective, yes?). You mention it twice, pretty close together.

All that said, I like the story. The pacing was good. Fast.

PS (Post reading the comments above): I agree that you're strongest when you're writing narrative. The exposition slows things down too much. I also agree that the protag's motivations need to be developed more. More emphasis on the beauty it finds in things (even the prison) now that it's 'solo' maybe. Something, anyway, that gives it a reason to help. Otherwise, if it thinks of itself as a 'finger' or 'toe' why would it bother?

Thumbs up! Your story was a joy to read. There's a beauty and a poetry in the way you describe the world as well as the thoughts/feelings of the narrator. I found interest in this character straight away. For instance, great job with the subtle references such as the following:

"...I wonder how she has survived so long and for a fleeting moment I admire her. The Collective is not fond of my admiration."

Suddenly we have empathy for the alien and the starving child in two simple, powerful lines.

Regarding the setting: desolate post-apocalyptic wastes (just like zombies, vamps, and an invasion by Mother Russia) are quickly getting stale, aren't they? But you gave us something different, a unique threat to our existence as a nation and a species - and the science was believable, although I admit I didn't exactly check the facts. Also, I especially liked the inventive fate of Cole and his followers.

<<SPOILER BELOW>>

If I were to critique anything, I'd like to see more of the war with the Collective. I'd also like to see some strife between the survivors. Unlike the Collective, these humans were brought up to be independent, red-blooded Freedom lovers who wouldn't welcome such a fate without a fight, or without feeling like they gave up their humanity. In short, I could see a lot of conflict brewing within the group as they considered being part of the Collective's zoo. 

That said, what a challenge to depict a story of this depth and breadth in 4000 words! I imagine we both went through a lot of painful trimming whilst preparing to submit for the contest. I think your short story has the potential to be expanded quite a bit, perhaps even to explore the strange, frightening concept of being part of some alien menagerie and realizing that your entire reality is a farce...

I liked this one, a fresh take on the alien invasion trope.there's some storyworld issues, I'd think that aliens so advanced wouldn't be so easily knocked out or killed and  the aliens felt a bit too similar, with mouths and eyes and .two feet.
But the concept of the collective was intriguing and i think the reader should feel more disconnected when they cut out part of his brain. The first part should feel immensely alien as opposed to later parts that are individualistic.  A change of pronouns in the beginning perhaps, "we" instead of "I". The collective should feel more alien i think.
 

I don't really have anything to critisize here, so I just wanted to say I really enjoyed the story and I hope you get it placed somewhere. Cheers.