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Cybug
How It Rates
Description
Tom’s going to lose Josie. The segregation laws are strict, and she keeps getting A grades. He needs a miracle on the next exam. No problem - Bill’s insect cyborg to the rescue.
(In case anyone thinks the technology is far-fetched, check out this report: http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2013/feb/17/race-to-create-insect-cyborgs
And make sure you watch the video)
Comments
Dude!
The good:
I really like the flow of the dialogue in this story. You seem really at home with these characters.
The scene where he realises his girl betrays him really hits home and is very effective. Well done.
The not so good:
- The POV of the insect feels a bit pasted on, maybe to follow the challenge prompts of a non-human character?
- Story feels a bit short, cut out of its original environment, perhaps?
- Dramatically, you do a great job of building and maintaining tension. However, the last page kind of feels rushed and falls kind of flat. The murder should be the culmination of the dramatic arc, now it feels like a postscript.
- Not very dystopian. Regular old college dudes messing with the teacher.
Here is my suggestion: Try an edit where you really develop the POV of the insect. Can you imagine the horror of having wires stuck into your head? Being controlled by an alien intelligence? Plenty, and I mean plenty, of dystopia to be found there. Imagine the pain. THe darkness. The fear. Being forced to go against your nature, to do strange things for unseen godlike beings.
I think a pinch of that mojo would resonate really well with the sorrow-free antics of the teenage dudes.
Just a suggestion. Witholding the mighty thumb of doom as well as the gleaming thumb of joy waiting for an edit.
I know what you mean. I was concerned about the 'head hopping' aspect of merely dipping into the bug's mind for a short para, then back to the college dudes. The dystopian side of things, yes, it's real close to our time, our world. Not very dystopian, though in a large sense this is deliberate: I'm trying to hint that maybe we already live in dystopian times. I've exagerated the world a little - for example, the death sentence for cheating on an exam, and the segregation of the sexes depending on exam grades, but these aren't centre stage by any means.
I do think it could be rewritten entirely with the bug as the narrator. An intriguing possibility. Not sure I have time this week though.
Simon,
Overall, I liked it.
I like the concept of a cybug--that's pretty cool. I also like some of your descriptions, especially "lampreys in the veins" and "machinegunned the keyboard." Very good use of language.
For me to care about the guy's interest in the girl, I need more story. It's obvious he wants to have sex with her, but until he tells us that he loves her near the end, I have no sense that he really actually cares for her. Maybe he's delusional and simply a vindictive murderor, but if that's the case, I need to see more of his character to belive it.
It's a huge jump to "I'll cheat on a test" to "I'll kill someone." You need more story arc, and you need to show me that our protagonist cares about the girl.
Nathan
I liked this story. But there are some issues, winding down with the contest Im not sure you'll have time to resubmit but critque is critque so I'll say this. I need more from the main human characters - why would he go from cheating on a test to killing someone? I know love is blind and all that but I was surprised when he said "I love her" at the end when in the beginning he was merely writing poems to her ass. I think more motivation is key here. I like the idea of the POV being the bug, would take this story to an entirely other level.
I think we need to know more about the dystopia/utopia in here - clearly there is some stuff going down (the people screaming, tasers, death for cheating, etc) but I need a bit more to know that these people are living in a terrible place.
Overall though, great start, nice writing. I like the dialogue, it flows well. Good luck!
Thanks all for the comments. I've had no time to revisit this, not for the competition at any rate. Maybe in the future, but it was created solely to meet the requirements here. Take your point on the motivations etc, but I was keen to keep this really short. I guess there's some unspoken stuff in there that needs spelling out and making clear. But basically, Tom thinks he loves this girl, it's really just obsession, and that rapidly turns to murder. Seems a natural progression to me - which might be revealing an awful lot about myself!
If I was redoing it, I'd definately have a section at least from the bug's POV. Might be one for the future.
A very well edited, smooth read! Josie's grade earning technique was a little on the transparent side, but that isn't necessarily a problem. Murder by insect assasin was a nice touch as well ;) The only real problem I had was with the sound of tasers. Gunshots I could believe, but tasers just aren't that loud. You might hear one across a room or down an alley way but not much further away than that.
Excellent Work!
There is some really good stuff in here. The beetle is not a character as such, but the idea of of using it as a remote control spy/assassin is good, and pretty much believable. The dystopic elements occurring out of the window are great, an afterthought to fit with the contest criteria perhaps, but I liked that these were just normal everyday noises, and barely worth commenting on. That Tom is clearly obssessive and delusional is clear, but he leaps into murder just a little too easily. The shift between normal student and murdering sociopath is a little jolting. Normal people would feel like killing, but they wouldn't do it, so a few more hints as to why he's different would have made that transition a little smoother. I think you could definitely carry this on and develop it further.
Not much I can say that hasn't been said already in terms of constructive criticism. In short, I think this story is well written and that there are some interesting details/ideas. The narrative doesn't quite come together though.
Concerning the dialogue, it was fun to read and really one of the strengths of the story in my opinion. Until you mention college though, I assumed the boys were maybe 12-14 based on how they acted/talked. Although, if no one else was confused by this, it's probably my bad.
Thumbs up, thanks for sharing!