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By samimalsam in Teleport Us

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Description

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By S. A. Spieller

Lina and Keb scavenge for items to help rid their city of the deadly pollution forever hanging in the air. But maybe they don't really know what they're looking for? Where substandard robots can barely manage their programmed tasks and older technology outpaces the present user's understanding, maybe Lina hasn't been asking the right questions.

Comments

lspieller's picture
lspieller from Los Angeles March 1, 2013 - 5:51pm

Dude, you are KILLING ME with that ending. I wanna know what happensss! Ugh.

Anyway, I enjoyed this. You paint a vivid picture, and I enjoyed the world. The story is a bit too dialogue heavy once they go inside, but you have three very distinct characters.

I've attached my lbl. Good work (thumbs up!)

Michael.Eric.Snyder's picture
Michael.Eric.Snyder March 11, 2013 - 11:04pm

Not finding a whole lot to comment on here. I enjoyed the story, had no problem reading it start to finish, but I'm not feeling like a lot happens within the story and there's little to know payoff at the end. Enigmatic endings are fine, but a reader will feel cheated without enough hints to at least form an educated guess as to what's left unsaid. 

Mess_Jess's picture
Mess_Jess from Sydney, Australia, living in Toronto, Canada is reading Perfect by Rachael Joyce March 13, 2013 - 5:19pm

You Spiellers are a clever bunch, aren't you?

I thoroughly enjoyed your story. You have a fluid style of writing that's clear in detail and easy to read. Your story has a unique premise that I haven't seen in the other stories in this challenge and you've got a strong dystopian element throughout it, which pleases me immensely! And I really liked the relationship and dialogue between Lina and Keb, it felt so natural. 

The exposition in one section did jar a little -- I felt like the story just stopped to tell back story. If you could find a way to tie in the exposition with something happening in the narrative, I think this might work. The section I'm talking about is this one on pages 3-4: "When the crystal reactors failed, before the ban on the unstable energy source, these areas were hit the hardest. The Center Ring, of course, did not have any reactors, so the city’s wealthy and influential denizens were conveniently sheltered from the initial catastrophe, though not wholly from the pervasive fallout. The crystal reactors failed in sequence, one after the other. Very little of that old-tech remained usably intact, so a capital-wide ban, with a countrywide ban quick on its heels, was not difficult to accomplish, especially after the thousands of deaths were politicized."

And the end! Argh.... I'm dying for some resolution there! hehehe.If you do another draft, I'd really love to read it to see where it goes.

Jess 

(P.S. If you get a spare moment, I'd love you to read and rate my story at http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/gravidism)

 

 

 

 

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) March 27, 2013 - 1:44am

I liked this a lot. The start really introduces the dystopian themes, the characters are well written, and it flows really well. The backstory hinted at between Lina and Keb is fascinating, as is the talk of insignia. Like Jess I found the crystal reactor section jarring, and out of place - I'm not sure it's needed at all. The ending though I found frustrating. I'm not against the open ending with little in the way of resolution, but I wanted something more here to get even the slightest idea of what his realisation is. I wouldn't say I felt cheated by the ending, but it did take some of the shine of the rest of the story for me.

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. March 30, 2013 - 1:06pm

Very well done! I worry a little that your hints about what is going on are a touch too subtle.  It might be worth while having Brey mention a Crystal reactor more overtly just to solidify the idea.  Otherwise, excellent work!  I really wish there was more of this to read through!