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Comments
Cameron,
I like your synopsis, definitely pulled me in. I suppose maybe it reminded me of Stoker's Dracula, and needless to say the structure of the story makes good on this. The voice is a bit wobbly, pending between semi-formal and casual, it would suggest that you decide on one or the other make sure it's consistent.
The concept works as well, and I like that they're going on an expedition and the whole adventure aspect of the story.
Some things I believe would improve the story:
Character development. I know nothing about the MC other than that he likes jogging and dead babies upset him. Who is he? If I picked up a letter like that, I would think it was a prank, not sail out on the Pacific looking for an island that doesn't even show up on satellite photos. What's his reason for believing? The classic way to start would be with the character actually introducing himself, maybe his profession/experience would lend credence to the crazy story he's about to tell? Maybe he's a doctor of some sort and they had this kid coming in telling crazy stories, and medical whatever to prove it?
Slow down. I know that likely, someone writing a letter like that would summarize, but this is a fictional story and I really think it would benefit from more fully developed scenes. An excuse could be that the MC doesn't really believe anyone will ever find them, and he wants their story to survive. Either way, more detail would bring the hellhole island to life.
Are the aliens using internet? I found it hard to believe he'd find a connection in the middle of the Pacific when I can't walk 4km out of town and access the internet.
I've marked a few things on my LBL, mostly typos. What I suggest you pay attention to where language is concerned is your transitions, they tend to get a little repetitive.
Either way, I am giving you a thumbs up, but I hope you will continue working on this story because I believe it could be a lot tighter.
Thanks for sharing!
Cameron,
I like the concept for the piece--it reminds me of The Island of Dr. Moreau mashed up with The Island with a bit of Terminator for good measure.
Stylistically, the piece is very uneven. I think Linda nailed it when she said that you switch from formal language to informal throughout the story.
The story also feels very rushed. I'd like to know a bit about the protagonist. Who is he? Why does he take the letter seriously? How does he know the yacht man? Why does he go so unprepared? Why does he go at all?
I want him to find the girl who wrote the letter. A nice story arc would be finding the letter, and then ending with him basically in the same position as the girl herself--stuck on the island, sending out a message.
I also want more dialouge, especially beteween the protagonist and the children.
Warmly,
Nathan
This is potentially a really good story. There are some issues (as stated above) and while I know time is very short in terms of this contest I hope they help you expand and make this story evey better for future work.
My problems with this story are the same as the other 2 reviewers. You need to pick a voice and stick with it. You need to introduce the character and his motivations more and why hes heading out with only 1 weapon and no other support. Poor planning aside, I had a huge issue with his finding an internet connection like that but I would say anything is possible.
As to the drone ships, how do they approach "hellishly" - there has to be a better word choice here, menacingly would be a better choice I think or change the phrasing if you like hellish (which I get, its a great descriptive term). Also, you say the ships are seamless but he finds a hook to latch onto? Maybe a magnet would be better to attach to the ship? Not sure about how to change that. But he does all these extraordinary things to save these kids, is he a marine or some kind of super solider? Again, this goes back to more description about the narrator of the piece.
Also, a finaly editing note, these lines, "Succumbing to hypothermia, this sight could not come a moment sooner. Coming into view was an island about two miles wide, and as we gained upon it I saw the domes." are poorly structured, something like, "Coming into view was an island about two miles wide, and as we gained upon it I saw the domes. This sight could not have come a moment too soon as I was beginning to succumb to hypothermia." - or something.
Basically, keep working, revising and you could have a really great story!
There are shades of Lovecraft's style in your story telling. Minus the hint of madness that permeates his works. While I could clearly picture most of the island and the Wheelmen from your descriptions, it would have been nice to have a touch more detail. Added detail would also help with lend a sense of impending disaster to the story. As the story is, things feel so rushed that it destroys some of the charm.
Keep at it and Good Work!
Drat, hit the submit button twice!
The central concept is a good one. I like the idea of an unchartered island, and this need to get there and discover what is going on. Some of the actions make little sense though - why keep it a secret? How did he rope Page into it? Why not go to the authorities? They have no reason to believe that it is the government doing this as is hinted at the end (though which government is not explained). I'm not sure how the child has sent the letter given that she is either in a cage, or strapped to a chair. Where did the paper / pen (or pencil) / tin come from? How did she get it to the Ocean? The story just leaves a lot of questions unanswered. There is a lot of it that is good though. I like the narrator, and while the tone does wobble here and there, it is engaging. The wheelmen are good, and I like the Segway description of them. This is well worth further development.