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Nathan's picture

The Urge's Malevolent Design (Revision)

By Nathan in Scare Us

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Description

A modern-day/Extreme Horror tale about a hunter from the bayous of the Deep South seeking revenge for the sexual abuse crimes against his recently deceased wife. Her death allows him to lash out, as he embarks on a journey to certain self-discovery, but also confrontations of the unexpected kind.

Features an original creature of my own creation.

Takes place where I grew up, which is Terrebonne Parish in Louisiana—an area consisting 3 bayous: Bayou du Large, Bayou du Lac, and Bayou Chauvin. Bayou du Large appears. 

Just under 3,650 words.

Competition as I understand it is to scare, and this is what scared me.

Let the chips fall where they may.

Comments

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres July 22, 2012 - 8:46pm

I think this is much improved from the first draft.  It doesn't feel as action-hero, more brawn than brains tough guy as before.  It still is, but not nearly as bad, and seeing how that's kind of what you're aiming at, it's ok.  

As I threw a ton of stuff at you last time with my comments, this time I decided to try my hand at an lbl (it's my first time, so if it's annoying or poorly done, please critique me right back!).

Obviously, all that I say in there is simply my opinion, so use what you like, feel free to ignore the rest.  I saw that you did consider a lot of what I had mentioned before, and that felt really good.  I'm sincerely glad I was able to help you.  

And see, I promised I'd be among the first to review your next draft.

Good luck!

Scott MacDonald's picture
Scott MacDonald from UK is reading Perfidia July 29, 2012 - 11:01pm

Just finished reading this.  I'll be absolutely honest, the style of the revenge story isn't really my cup of tea, but there's definite style in your work.  The ending came completely out of left field and leaves a real feeling of disquiet.  And I know it's not the key moment in the story, but really liked the line "A thin line of light breaks the horizon when I reach the pier in front of her mother and father’s, a bright red stirring purple and blue into the black".

Urael's picture
Urael from Knoxville, TN is reading Dark Gods by T.E.D. Klein July 29, 2012 - 4:34pm

I'll admit that I had a bit of a hard time getting into the story but the ending was nicely disturbing. I like the idea that "understanding" can come at a high price, indeed.

I'm looking forward to what else you submit. Take care, and keep writing!