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Snacks
How It Rates
Description
A meditation on life, love, feminism and trophy cocks. Your guide through this journey will be a rapist eating she-beast named Judy. Hope you enjoy her exploits.
I'm kind of in the process of turning this into a graphic novel, so watch out for that if you're interested. I'm planning on taking this character into all sorts of crazy ass places.
Comments
This is so much fun! What a great monster, and what wonderful things she says! I feel like the two guys in "Pulp Fiction" when Harvey Keitel shows up. Watching her go to work is a privilege.
Wow, thank you so much! I'm a little blown away! I was happy with it, but I knew I could've polished it more since I put it out in 2 days to make the deadline for Scare Us, so I wasn't sure if other people were going to be too into it. Thanks again!
Meant to put that ^^ as a reply but I don't know how to delete comments, so here we are. Rambling in order to have the field full so I can put said comment in the right spot...
Really enjoyed this. You have a very confident style that carries the story well (not sure how many people would brave enough to use the word 'adrenaliney', but you did and it works).
Loved the she-beast, and the thread of comedy that ran through the whole thing.
Definite click of the thumbs up from me.
Thank you so much, I'm really glad you enjoyed it!
I'm especially glad the comedy went over well. I know gore and laughs don't always go together, so I'm really happy that I seemed to have pulled it off.
YES! I've been waiting for this. This is the first first person pov of the "monster" I've read in this competition so far and I've always loved that idea. . It's "Grendal" meets "Dexter" and I love the whole monster with a concious concept and you do pull off the humor to the T.
--SPOILER--
One touch- In the first killing seen. After the freind dies. I think it would be cool if she strips naked then in front of him. Somewhat as a tease. Through her POV we can see him get even more excited and then even more frightened as she transforms.
AWSOME storry. Give me more.
--Jonathan--
God damnit, that's brilliant... I'm gonna have to switch that up in the next draft I do. It was originally going to be a book before I shortened it and put it in this contest just to finish it, so the parts involving her friend were detailed a lot more before. I'll keep that in mind for sure. Thank you so much for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it! I really appreciate it.
Really enjoyed reading this. Great use of the monster's pov. Excellent job with dialogue and language here. Especially good job with the monster's voice.
Definite thumbs up.
Thank you so much! I tried really hard to give her a distinct voice, so I'm really glad you enjoyed that!
Hey Stephen,
Thoroughly entertaining story you have here! I enjoyed the casual style it was written in and I was impressed by how engaging your character was. I find it really difficult writing in this point of view, but you did it really well. I was also impressed because I don't find many men can write from a female point of view successfully, and you pulled this off. I liked the justice aspect of it too - who doesn't get that thrill of satisfaction when they hear about some arsehole getting their just desserts?
There were a few phrases/terms you coined that gave me a real laugh: "cockjerky", "It's pretty much buffet night at the strip club after that. I mean where do you start when fried chicken and sushi are at the same counter, you know?", and "accibabies".
It also made me aware that as a vegetarian the thoguht of eating animal flesh repulses me... but I have no qualms about people describing eating human flesh....hrmmm...
Thanks for the fun read,
Jess
Thank you so much for the compliments, I really appreciate it and I'm super glad you enjoyed it! I'm especially pretty thrilled that I pulled of the female perspective well. I ran it past a few radical feminist friends to make sure that no one would have any qualms about it, but you're still never sure until the final piece is there. Thanks again!
Great, unique story you've written. It was a fun read and the character was interesting. Her narration was fun and I enjoyed the nonchalant way she tells the story. Horrific things happen, but the tale itself is wry rather than scary.
There were just a handful of occasions where the wording gets repetitive ("few" in the aftermath of the first killing) but otherwise your writing is solid.
I liked your incorporation of music, and thought it was fantastic you closed with her reading "Women".
Awesome, I was hoping for some criticism! I'll read over it again and try to fix that. I was kind of worried about the repetitiveness of a few words in there, actually. Thank you so much for reading and I'm really glad you liked it! Your story was pretty damn good, so it means a lot!
Awesome. You had me at Murder herpes. Very entertaining and I liked that the story was from the POV of the monster. I like the narrator's voice - Smart assed and matter of fact. Suited the story perfectly.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it and I'm really happy you liked it!
Very enjoyable read. Fast paced with a great balance of horror and humor. Fun use of language. Any advice or criticism I have would be very minor. For some reason the line "should some lazy fuck wrap their cyclops up in a holy raincoat" didn't sit well with me. I can't figure out why. In the scene where she clings to the ceiling, 5 minutes seems like a long time for her to be hanging there and all three guys searching one room. On page 14 I don't understand the use of the word veg in the line "grabbed his meat and two veg and ripped them off". Like I said, small stuff.
Great job.
Thank you so much! As far as the lines go, meat and two veg is a british slang for cock and balls hah. It's supposed to be because it looks like a sausage between two potatoes or something. The five minutes that she sits up there are because she's playing a kind of cat and mouse game with them, and is enjoying toying with them and watching them hopelessly hunt for her. I don't really have anything to say in defense of my broken condom metaphor haha. I guess I just wanted an absurd reference to one that pulls your mind in a weird visual direction. Thanks again for reading!
Hi Sancho,
Great concept for a horror piece. Absolutely loved "cock jerky" so much that I wonder if you want to incorporate into the title. Maybe even replace "Snacks" with it.
Though the storytelling ramble style essentially works, I did long for a little more in-scene moment-by-moment. A little dialogue. Some up-close tension. Consider unpacking some of the scenes using narrative tools such as:
on-the-body references. What is happening to the narrator as she marks her prey? Her saliva? Her heart? Maybe reference a scar or a tatoo that gets itchy? Some details to particularize the narrator and bring the reader as close as possible to the corporeal experience.
Your turns of phrase are quite clever, and contribute to a terrific voice. Well done!
Thank you so much for the notes! This was the part that I was looking forward to the most in the contest. I'm working on turning it into a graphic novel and my artist has told me the same thing about adding more actual dialogue, so I'll definitely work on that. I'm glad you liked it and thank you again! This made my day!
The narration was very intelligent and powerful, you wrote a sadistic yet clear 'she-beast' extremely well. My two favorite parts were, when the narrator walked in on the murdering rapist having his victory cigarette and when the narrator says how see loves to take long walks, but now she also loves to eat sex offenders. I thought both of these parts were extremely well written, I laughed my ass off at them both, they were just perfect, Overall well done and I will be reading more of your work.
Awesome, thank you so much! I'm working on the continuation of it in a graphic novel, so hopefully I can get some more out soon. It's gonna get really fucking weird and dark, too!