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Lover's Lane
How It Rates
Description
A group of teen paranormal researchers investigate an abandoned park to find out the truth behind the urban legends surrounding Lover's Lane and the unsolved gruesome deaths which have taken place there. What they discover is a horrible, frightening truth which changes their lives forever.
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Comments
Not bad. Solid imagery and characterization. Some suggestions and observations.
Maybe this is personal preference but I would use "on Lover's Lane" rather than "in Lover's Lane."
I think your humor gets diluted when you follow, "It's not what you're thinking. Pervert." with "Scientific reasons = not homemade porn." Seems repetitive to me.
The relationship between Vinnie and Ally seems a little overdone, or perhaps overpowering is a better way to put it. You do a great job of building tension and creating the all too familiar scenario of a relationship outlasting its expiration date or that was doomed to fail in the first place. But it gets to the point where I feel diverted and distracted from the progression of the story. And then when he says he's still in love with her I found it a little tough to believe since his thoughts and actions towards her are so hostile up until that point and he hasn't remarked upon one redeeming quality about her. I'd like to see some of their interaction replaced with something that helps further reveal what is actually haunting Lover's Lane. I don't need a full explanation, just a little more. Overall its good. I think it has the potential to be stronger. Thanks.
You scared me!
Great job on the story. I really loved the author's use of imagery, characterization and humor. Reminded me a lot of B-slasher/horror flicks I watched growing up. The set up of the story was excellent and the pacing of the story was also quite well done.
I did feel the ending was somewhat rushed and would have loved to find out more about the ghosts & demon haunting Lover's Lane but overall I really enjoyed the story.
I liked this story very much and found the characters pretty compelling. I like how we sympathize/ empathize with the narrator all the way through, even at the end, and share in his confusion and dismay.
Loved the creepy vibe of the story. The narrator's mental breakdown was interesting to watch unfold. The author's story telling was very strong and I found this a very fun read.
Excellent work. I loved the raw honesty of the narrator. It really helped to estabilsh a connection. Reminded me of a modern Holden Caufield in a paranormal situation (with teeny boppers), which is pretty genius.
I think you did a good job with your characters. I know "that smile." Ally is exactly like a girl i dated in highschool and as much as i wanted to hate her I had blinders on. So i find the dialouge and his obsession with her beleivable in a highschool setting.
One thing that stood out. You started 20 years in the past and then moved 5 years forward. You talked about blood on the screens of there cellphones. Did cellphones have screens 15 years ago? Maybe the blood was on the keypad. or dial pad.
Also i think first your protagonist was smoking a joint then it turned into a blunt later.
Aside from minor inconsintencies. The story was strong and creepy. I give it a thumbs up.
--Jonathan--
Thank you for the read. I enjoyed the creepy tone of your story--especially the growing madness which you captured quite nicely in a condensed format.
I agree with some of the inconsistencies above such as the timeframe inconsistency and reading more about the actual creature(s?) haunting the forest but I also liked the ambiguity of it. It keeps the ending wide open which allows the reader to interpret the ending differently after each read. I'd like to read this again after another round of edits and in a longer format. This could be a stellar horror novella.
Great work!
Good story! The language gets a little repetetive in a few instances, but I think if you came back to it a bit later to fix it up, you'd be able to look at it more objectively and take out or change some unnecessary repetitions. The characters were really cool and the whole weed monster concept was really neat.
I like it. I like the set-up, the brief description that something horrible has happened here in the past. Much like Carebear, I too like the feel of an 80's b-horror movie here. And I'm definitely a fan of the question that you leave us readers with at the end. What did happen?
Shawn points out the problem where Vinnie says he's in love with Ally. I kind of agree, he's been fairly apathetic toward her, and the fact that he saw her ex kiss her didn't seem to be a huge problem for him. Maybe make him seem more excited for the promised h.j. than with actually hanging out with her? If you make it a purely physical attraction, and that he's just doing this to get with her, I think that would also add to the question at the end. Because if we're to believe he truly loves her, why would we be thinking at the end that he may have tried to kill her? Does that make sense? It's all just a small piece of the bigger picture, with that bigger picture being a good one.
I do like this story, and would love to see it further revised and fixed up.