Incinerate After Use

This is a really powerful, surreal piece of work. I can't say I understand it, but I was really taken with it as a sort of impressionistic prose poem.

There were some really unsettling moments in this piece – the priest’s dream, and the moments in the chapel.  In those spots I felt the language sparking and breathing.  However, for most of the story there was an overall lack of variety in the sentence structure and rhythm.  Almost entire paragraphs start with “I” and end with a simple action, followed by another sentence with the same structure and flow.  When I read anything like that I find my brain falling into a sing-song rhythm and by the time I finish a page I have no idea what happened.  When I do that in my writing I usually end up going back into the story and finding all of those short sentences and seeing what can be combined, or thrown out.  For example, on page one of your story: “I lowered my head and finished my own drink.  I got my phone out and dialed the number for a taxi.”  This could become something like “After dialing for a taxi I lowered my head and finished my drink.”  Not only did it cut out eight words it also keeps the reader from having to stop between actions.

I also feel like the story doesn’t give us enough in the way of a believable “monster” or series of events.  Is the monster the snake-faced nurse or capital-E Evil or is it Nico?  Ambiguity can work if the writer has left enough signposts to allow for conclusions to be drawn, even if they are intentionally misleading, but this felt a little too unfocused.  I liked the apocalyptic imagery that crept into parts of the narrative but I don’t feel like it went anywhere, especially at the end with the dead babies.  If the apocalypse is that small and personal it should have been presented that way through the rest of the story, or have some of the earlier imagery play more directly off of the final scene in the chapel.

Please forgive me if this came across as rude or overreaching - I get into workshop mode and there's no stopping me, haha.  But I do think there’s something in this story waiting to burst out but it’s not quite there.  And thanks a bunch for sharing with everyone!

Hey Toby,

I liked how you introduced us to the priest and Nico before any evil occurred; I've heard that's a technique often employed by Stephen King so the reader care about the characters before they're put through hell; it raises the stakes. So good job. In the rewrite, maybe add even more backstory or familiarity to them, some "remember when..." moments or dialogue that the other finishes, inside jokes kind of thing.

your dream sequences were very vivid and appropriately apocalyptic, I don't think you need to work on those at all. However, in contrast, I wish the ending was clearer - I couldn't figure out what was in the box. Was it the baby hands? We're they to be incinerated by he took the box out of the machinery? If that is what you meant, then a simple sentence explanation would make it more clear. Also, the priest's faith that the nurse is some sort of monster seems at odds with his lack of religious belief. 

You got a line about God not listening anymore. Consider mentioning what it looked like when God did listen (did he always find a parking space near the entrance?) And it seems like everyone recognizes him as a priest - is he in priest clothes? If yes, Why? Do actual priests really waok around in priest outfits? My suggestion is that folks don't recognize he is a priest (except the nurse) - he could think to himself that the cab driver would treat him nicer if the cab driver knew he was a priest. So then later at the bar when he thinks back to his interaction with the nurse he realizes that there is no reason for him to know that he was a priest and that is what causes his freak out.

Also the description of the hospital seemed appropriately like a war zone, good job

Thanks for writing,

Wil