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shabai44's picture

In the Barn (Redrafted ending)

By shabai44 in Scare Us

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Description

The Bakers seldom come to town. Little Lizzy is about to discover why...

(ending redrafted based on feedback)

Comments

shabai44's picture
shabai44 from Spring Hope, NC is reading na July 30, 2012 - 6:01pm

Sorry for being fickle - but a fix for my ending came only after my first submission. Friendly feedback ignited the light over my head.I think this version works much better.

Jen Thompson's picture
Jen Thompson July 31, 2012 - 10:05pm

WOW! I was so captivated. For a moment, nothing around me existed and I was in your written world.

shabai44's picture
shabai44 from Spring Hope, NC is reading na August 1, 2012 - 7:29am

Thanks for the encouraging words.

TigersMS's picture
TigersMS from Australia is reading House of Leaves August 5, 2012 - 6:13pm

Shit dude! That was intense. That is one of the better short stories I have read, published or not. Amazing. 

shabai44's picture
shabai44 from Spring Hope, NC is reading na August 5, 2012 - 8:19pm

You're too kind. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Regina Peacecraft's picture
Regina Peacecraft from the Philippines is reading Android Karenina August 6, 2012 - 7:04am

Excellent ending! So much better than the last one.

shabai44's picture
shabai44 from Spring Hope, NC is reading na August 6, 2012 - 8:22pm

I appreciate you coming back for a second helping. I regretted submitting the first version minutes after sending it up. Thanks so much.

Ian's picture
Ian from Texas is reading Low Down Death Right Easy by J. David Osborne August 6, 2012 - 8:40am

I did not read the first version of this, but I enjoyed your story. You write very well - pacing, dialogue, descriptions, tension. All well done. I especially like the way that you tied together the cause and the cure for the girl's inability to speak.

And good work with the relationship between the monster and the girl. Even if we only get to see a bit of it, I still don't think I've read anything else quite like this in the competition.

Thanks for writing that.

shabai44's picture
shabai44 from Spring Hope, NC is reading na August 6, 2012 - 8:24pm

Thanks so much for your kind words, and thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland August 7, 2012 - 10:56pm

I too only read the revised version. Very few stories in this challenge let me down. Most have been entertaining. Alot have been great. Few have been excellent and your story ranks among them. I can't add too much to what Ian said. I tried to find a way to help u make it better but could not. It's already excellent. Thanks for sharing this.
--Jonathan --

shabai44's picture
shabai44 from Spring Hope, NC is reading na August 9, 2012 - 2:10pm

Thanks for reading!

Sheba50's picture
Sheba50 from North Carolina is reading Stephanie Plum Series August 8, 2012 - 6:52am

Very, very good.

 

shabai44's picture
shabai44 from Spring Hope, NC is reading na August 9, 2012 - 2:12pm

Only because of valuable input you gave me before I submitted! Thank you!

Elizabeth Priddy's picture
Elizabeth Priddy August 8, 2012 - 3:25pm

This touches the most creepy things we imagine.  Your writing is extremely good as the story flows without getting bogged down in the "storytelling". 

I think you could delete one line and it would be perfect. You don't need "a flash of envy".  It stopped the story dead and it is by virtue of the interesting detail that I was able to pick back up.

I would like to see the other ending just out of curiosity.  This ending satisfies but is an obvious answer to "what now" after a compelling read.

shabai44's picture
shabai44 from Spring Hope, NC is reading na August 9, 2012 - 2:09pm

Interesting observation. Another of my friends singled out that line and said he "laughed out loud" when he read it. I had inserted it as a miniscule tension breaker, but I can see how, depending on your feeling from reading, at that moment, it could be problematic.

Thanks for taking the time to read it, and thanks for your input!

 

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres August 12, 2012 - 10:58am

This is fantastic!  Such a dirty, gritty setting.  There is a feeling of unease almost immediately, and as the scene is painted, it just gets creepier.  I really like everything you did here.  The little girl, the creepy backwoods family, the robbers, and the "creature."  Everything fits so well together, and the story just flows smoothly.  

The relationship you create between the little girl and the creature is very well done.  Little kids are smart, they aren't jaded and cynical yet, and even though she is afraid, she still sees the creature as a "friend," for lack of a better word.

The only thing I think you should change, and this is tiny, is here: "I can’t bawl or groan - not since Daddy died. Now I’m mute - dumb."  Take out "now I'm mute - dumb."  Because you have already done a great job showing this, and you continue to in that very paragraph.  You don't need to tell us this.  

Awesome story, I hope there is more where this came from!

shabai44's picture
shabai44 from Spring Hope, NC is reading na August 12, 2012 - 6:36pm

Thanks for the feedback, and taking the time to read. Someone else mentioned my overemphasis of LIzzy's handicap, and you have given me a good place to start when I revisit the story. I plan to re-edit in a few days, using some of the great feedback I've recieved, on this version and the first.

Again, thanks for the input!