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In the Barn
How It Rates
Description
The Bakers seldom come to town. Little Lizzy is about to find out why.
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Comments
I really like your story. I do have a little trouble with the ending, though. When the narrator sees what she sees, I would think she'd be more upset. Would she really be able to have that particular reaction to the monster--thinking it all through, sort of waxing philosophical--given what has just happened to her mother? It didn't quite ring true. I wonder iftrue story might work better if you switched from 1st person pov to 3rd person limited. We'd still be very close to the narrator, but you'd have more room to comment on her reactions at the end. Just a thought. I had a lot of trouble with pov in mine, so I'm really focused on pov at the moment.
Thanks for the feedback, Jane. This is actually the first story I've written in first person, generally shying away from the format. I was not completely satisfied with the ending myself. The last draft before final was even worse, with a corny interchange between Lizzy and the beast before he departed. I feel like I rushed the ending in the final, and will probably redraft it four or five more times before it is resolved it to my satisfaction.
I had other input while editing, and eliminated an equally unrealistic reaction. When Lizzy returned to the truck after her first encounter in the barn, she contemplated her mother's safety in the house. Those thoughts would not have occurred in a moment of terror.
Again, thanks!
I found it very well thought out. I tend to agree with the whole "first person child waxing philosophical" but I did find the thoughts behind it revealing.
The only part that really bothered me was the character reminds me of the blind girl in the movie rendition of Steven King's The Langoliers, Steven King does not harp on her blindness in the book, however, it seems like every 5 minutes in the movie she's making the statement "I can't see, because I'm blind".
Over all though I did enjoy it, you did well bringing the images to my mind with the words, without overdoing it.
Thanks, Brady -
I've never read or seen The Langoliers, but I think I see what you're saying. I wanted the girl to have an impairment, but I tried not to overdo.
I actually found inspiration for a rewrite after this first submission, as well as after Jane's comments. I posted the redraft as "In The Barn (redrafted ending)". I won't ask you to read the whole thing, but if you get a chance to read the last few passages on the redraft I would be interested in your reaction.
Again, thanks for your time.
You build up tension really well such that I need to take breaks from reading it every once in a while haha. The detailing and imagery were mostly well done. *SPOILER* I was just wondering about the beast's original intentions for going in the store (I take the kitten as an implication of the beast's presence, and Lizzy heard the kitten even before they encountered the thieves). At first I thought it wanted to repay Lizzy for setting it free by saving her from the thieves, but then it was at the store before the thieves attacked Lizzy and her mom, and it didn't do anything until Lizzy's mom was dead...that, and I agree with Jane that Lizzy's reaction in the ending wasn't to realistic. I'll read the rewritten version next time! :)