Hatch

*Note: This is a placeholder profile for Chuck Palahniuk we are maintining on the site.  While the below review was originally emailed to us by Chuck Palahniuk, it is being pasted here by the moderators of the site.*

'Hatch' - Feedback by Chuck Palahniuk

Here’s the classic problem of how to make the incredible seem credible.  The best parts of this story are the physical moments I can picture from real life.  For example, someone falling “like a discarded sweater” or “the entirety of the skin of Mrs. Waterstone, sucked dry of its sweet liquefaction, hung for a little while draped against the window and wall, held up by a sticky spot…”

Those are details I can visualize.  Consider that it’s best to start from what people know in order to bridge to something new.  Does the unnamed glimmering thing remind us of heat waves?  Tulle?  Dry cleaning plastic?  What would it remind Mrs. Waterstone of?  Again, anchor it in the reader’s mind by relating it to something commonplace, then allow it to demonstrate itself as something incredible.

The larger issue is the constant shift in perspective.  It might be an interesting experiment:  moving from a perspective outside the alien, then to Mrs. Waterstone, then to inside the alien… the president… the team of observers… At present that intention isn’t clear.  Please consider keeping the perspective consistent, or using some device – space breaks? – to signal the shift from one perspective to the next. 

Once you’re writing from within a perspective, all the comparisons will be easy because they’ll be determined by that character.  For example, if Mrs. Waterstone’s the first witness to the alien then she might decide the glimmer is her husband’s ghost.  It might remind her of a wedding veil.  Her mind could try to explain it as anything beautiful and meaningful from her experience – then it can kill her.

oh what a joy to read. beyond shirley jackson -- and yet reminded me of her -- i hope you take that as a compliment? 

i say that because you open with a depth of description that gives the reader the feeling of a lush and vivid realism, and then BAM, the shiny pretty thing devours and old woman! ha. i laughed out loud. i loved to death how quickly that glimmering thing sucked the life out of the woman and left her creepy husk to dribble to the floor.

so many paragraphs have a combination of superb description -- full sensory (thank you) -- combined with a dry wit that just really tickled me, like this:

"On the outer edges of the collections of boxes, as the traveler now learned, there sometimes lay herds of the hairy kind, even larger than the ones the traveler had first encountered. But nothing was as delightful as the tall and narrow smooth-coated . . . What were they? fruits? These couldn't move away as fast. Their outer coatings were indigestible but easily removed. Their husks were buttery soft to penetrate. Their meat was the sweetest."

i love the innocent yet carnivorous curiousity of the traveler's point of view. all over the story. bravo.

i also find the ending pretty satisfying with a couple of caveats, and here's where my suggestions for consideration kick in:

1.  p.o.v. : it struck me as odd that the first time the point of view deviated from an omniscient lens was aaround page 5 i think when an "us" is mentioned, and then we begin to learn that the point of view is attached to an aid. that's not quite working for me, because the aid knows too much -- and too, why delay the reveal that the aid is telling the story? couldn't make that work in my reading.  consider:  a. bumping the aid's point of view way up toward the top, b. nixing the aid view (that robs you of your ending i suppose, would have to be reworked), or c. moving back and forth teeter totter style between the aid and the traveler.

2.  i think upon reflection that the transition from 3-4 when you go from neighborhoods to nation or micro to macro is too quick. bumped my head. interrupted my belief. consider building a more patient transition to get us across that gap?  and since we are on the TOPIC of speed, i suspect right there at the end? the "I alone have escaped" bit? you could tease that out a bit more slowly too so we believe that escape?

so impressed with your style and tone. you have a good career ahead of you! a pleasure to read.

love lidia