Hatch

Ha! This is fantastic. I love all the vivid descriptions of the traveler and the looks on the people's faces right before they are sucked dry.

Apart from one technical detail, I enjoyed this story. That detail being how quickly all the other little spore-thingies arrived. The spore bemoaned how far it had to travel under harsh circumstances, then suddenly all these other ones come floating in as a response to some kind of signal she sent out. It might work better if the one just multiplies, or a sentence or two is used to explain how they travel so we know how the first one came across our planet and how the other ones were able to arrive as quickly as they did (although some may complain that's an info-dump). Relatedly, I think the phrase you used, "so far across vast distances," is one of those I always see writer-types complaining about. I can't remember what they call it, but it's apparently one of them writing no-nos.

Very enjoyable read.  This was a lighter tale with a degree of humor in it.  I really liked the gliter little creatures.  Tales of aliens have a special place in my heart since I cut my teeth reading science fiction.  I would watch some of the word choices though.  (liquefaction being the process of turning something into a liquid rather than a liquid itself. . . .)  I do have a feeling that there are some missing comma's in there, but I'm absolutely horrible with comma rules.  I just remember feeling like there were missing pauses in the story.

Hi Jane. This is a good story and your writing style is almost impeccable. I can always find a few nits to pick, though – and they’re scattered through my edit.

There are two key elements to the story that I think you must address. First, your point-of-view appears to be flawed. It isn’t until halfway through the text (unless I missed it), that any indication is given that this is a first-person narrative. Meanwhile, passages throughout the text describe thoughts and actions that the first-person wouldn’t be privy to. Effectively this is a first-person-omniscient story, which is… weird.

Second, rows of soldiers march straight into death when they enter the town – but helicopters and crop-dusters fly over it unscathed. I would think that their pilots would die just as easily as anyone else in the kill-zone.

Your writing style is significantly different from mine. I realize I have a tendency to try turning other people’s work so that it matches my style. That said, you use a lot of adjectives and adverbs, which is alright. But at certain points I felt that you piled them up too high. I think that’s something you might find worth considering.

Also, stylistically, there are several “shown vs. told” moments. This isn’t always such a bad thing, but it’s something else that I think is worth some consideration.

Thanks for the great read, Jane!

I also really enjoyed the descriptions of the traveler and the pacing was very well done (considering you did it in like 2500 words...bravo!).  My only complaint is that you give us the perspective of the traveler and include details that the staff member narrator couldn't possibly know.  It starts out as an omniscient pov but then shifts into a first person plural type deal.  My suggestion is if you want to keep the pov of the traveler (which I think you should because it's great) you should stick with an omniscient narrator.  I mean, suspending disbelief is one thing, but having a first person narraror know things he couldn't just mucks it up.  Now if you were writing a novel or even breaking the story into sections, then you could shift perspectives without it creating problems.

Other than that one thing, and perhaps a few minor gramatical things, I thought this was great!

I hope to get mine revised once more and submitted in the next day or two.  Mine also has a strange gelatinous type creature (though mine isn't nearly as beautiful as yours!)

I enjoyed the story. You have a wonderful way of describing objects from the eyes of someone who hasn't seen them yet. This seems something that would be wonderful to extrapolate on and make into a full novel. 

on the word susurration: Best word to use. The word itself is almost an onomatopoeia of the scene it's in. 

on POV: Going with the other comments, What might work if say you try to keep the omniscient narrator is to have a scene at the end where the narrator is explaining the last survivor and what he/she is doing. If it's writing a letter, or typing on a screen, whatever works. That way the amount you need to change would be minimal.

on alien hermaphrodites: This may only be a personal preference, but if the traveler has asexual reproduction, then I wouldn't choose to have a "he/she" descriptor. It makes better sense in my head to just describe the traveler as "it".

Wonderful story. Thanks for all the words.

-dTe

Woops, just read this and then saw your comment that you did another post addressing the POV thing. Just wanted to say brilliant monster concept...in a way I thought the monster was actually the main character, and it was neat that we got to see its point of view sometimes. Will be interested to see how you resolved the two POVs. Did have trouble with a few sentences, but sure you can clean little things like this up:

"Almost instantaneously afterward, a raw scream instead wrenched itself from her throat."

"Her body involuntarily engaged in an escalating terrible shudder..."

On the whole, I don't know that I was scared reading this -- more entertained and appreciative of your skill at unfolding such bizarre events. In a way, it almost has the tone of a YA novel. Thanks for sharing this.

Good story! Good fun to read as well. Hmm, I wonder which Prez this guy was baded on hmmmm. So awesomely (if that is a word) described icky scenes...fantastic.

Enjoyed this and its premise--all too easy to imagine bureaucrats dawdling while we get our guts sucked out, ahem. And of course, that Reality TV would go on, even as the world ended.

Kudoes for taking on a tricky POV, with narrator needing to imagine the bits he/she did not directly experience. Even in this short a piece, you could tell the first bit from the alien viewpoint, then switch over to the aide's--extra creepy, that, with the alien seeing humans/canines purely as chocolates in big brown boxes.

Thank you for sharing!

Really enjoyable story here! I loved the descriptions, the eerie alien & the dopey President. I liked Sancho's comparison to Them! & The Blob, too. Makes me want to revisit those flicks. ;)

great story, jane! i'll have to hunt down the other version - but i think in the amount of time you had and this being the first version, wow you really churned out something horrifying yet witty yet...elegant and an ending that satisfied. great job!

That was fantastic! Such an effectively visual read I loved it.

I thoroughly enjoyed your story, descriptive and constantly moving, changing.
The basic plot is very reminiscent of a Dean Koontz story... I think (don't quote me!) that it was "Seed" in the Short Story compilation Strange Highways.

I really like the ride you took me on, and the conclusion was right up to the door. :)
Thank you, Jane.

“Its fragility hovered just at the edge of vision as it drifted …”

I see what you’re getting at here, describing something that flickers at the edge of one’s vision, something fleeting and unidentified. But who’s vision would this be, exactly? And is this thing hovering, or just it’s fragility?

And when you describe something shimmering and sparkling as it falls from the sky, I immediately picture the sky being dark, so as to give contrast/visibility to the sparkling/shimmering thing, though you say it’s early morning. That could just be me… solicit some other opinions on this. That nitpicking aside, these two opening graphs are really enchanting.

“She didn't think. She just acted.”

This is clear by her following actions; these two sentences could be nixed without the larger meaning of this graph suffering at all.

“Almost instantaneously afterward, a raw scream instead wrenched itself from her throat. Her body involuntarily engaged in an escalating terrible shudder as she tried to snatch her hand back from the pane where of its own will it had pressed itself.”

“Almost” and “instantaneous” run counter to each other, verging on oxymoronic; the “almost” doesn’t add any significant meaning to the “instantaneous.” Moreover, they both serve to telegraph the forthcoming scream, announcing its arrival and robbing it of its immediacy.

Consider something like:

“Her lips formed a delighted exclamation. And then a raw scream instead wrenched itself from her throat.”

Just a ‘frinstance, not to be taken as gospel.

Likewise for the second sentence in the above citation. “Her body involuntarily engaged in an escalating terrible shudder…” Shudders are, by nature, involuntary; and saying that her body engaged in the shudder is akin to burying the meaning of this clause—her shuddering—in packing foam. As with the above, it loses its immediacy. Lastly, if you tell the reader that she’s trying to snatch her hand back, then it’s implicit that she’s struggling to do so, thus also implicit that she’s struggling against herself.

I do love the descriptions of suburbia and its inhabitants via the third person limited of the traveler… these are priceless.

“People in the town went about their ordinary business of living, until suddenly they didn't any more.” Beautiful, as is the whole graph that follows.

You manage to say in the third person while artfully shifted your limited omniscience. This is really, really tricky to do, and you pull it off with invisible effort. So, yeah, bravo to that… not something I see very often.

“When the photographs made by helicopter flyovers started coming in, the Rapture turned out a lot uglier than many had imagined, what with all the piles of loose skin left lying around the city streets to stink up the place in the summer heat.” Another gem.

“Let me be clear, though.” This was the first time I was really thrown out of the story. As I said above, you artfully shift POVs while maintaining omniscience, but now there’s a “me.” And who is this, exactly? A little later, it seems he’s part of the White House staff, but the introduction threw me.

And you use “myriad” correctly. Thank you so much for that.

Curious… you refer to the travelers as female, but they multiply asexually. Is this common parlance when discussing non-gender life forms in the scientific community? I ask for reasons of grammar and syntax, and also because I’m a complete nerd.

Lovely ending, with a beautiful full-circle nod to the opening graphs. Still, I’m perplexified by the point of view, issue. How could this staffer know so much about the goings-on of these travelers? That’s my most vexing concern; aside from my semantic quibling above, I love your style and tone.

Nicely done.