To read this story or to participate in this writing event, you only need a free account.
You can
To find out what this event is about click here
Hello, if this is your first time here, login with Facebook or create a free account to get started. Otherwise, Click here to log in
Comments
Wow, that first sentence is a doozy. Maybe you should edit it a little bit. By the time I got to "wainscoting" I was already mentally tripping all over myself. I got tripped up in many details in the story, actually. They help create a concrete setting, but I felt it came at the expense of characterization (what there is of characterization I really like though, especially Aunt Eugenia and Captain Brannigan) and stronger plot cohesion. I got too caught up in trying to figure out which details were necessary and relevant instead of getting swept up in the story. For example, there's mentions of Marshall and Kelly but they're never seen.
Love the inclusion of Pittsburghese and the mention of "kitchen Russian." I'd never heard of Neville Island or Ben Avon before but as soon as Captain Brannigan said "nebby" I knew exactly where they had to be.
This story is just great. I love the young protagonist, whose thought processes seem exactly right. I love the sense of place, and I love the sense of the era, too. Unlike the previous poster, I like the many specific details. Things like that really help me visualize a story. I do tend to love all those details about place and "stuff," though, and others don't, so take that comment for whatever it's worth. In sum, this story is wonderful. Thanks for posting it.
Thank you for reading the story and for your comments, Jane and Brigid. Very much appreciate the time you spent with it. ;-)
Great story! It's an intriguing mystery, creepy scenes and a satisfying climax. Will give chills to anyone with a fear of fire.
This reminded me of an episode of that old show, Amazing Stories.
Yeah, the first sentence was a rough one. I agree with a lot of what BridgidC said as far as the details go. Some of it is hard to read, some "thick sentences."
At the same time, you put together quite an imaginative tale here. I like that it's kind of a kid's horror story, but not. The imagination aspect is pretty awesome. And the characters are well written and believable for sure.
Good story!
Thank you for reading, Sean of the Dead. I shall have to look at the first sentence--I was trying to capture the speed of the fire with it-- and some of the others for thickness. I do want readers to see what I see but if they're tripping, that's going to take them out of the piece.
Do appreciate your kind words & encouragement. Many thanks!
I tripped over the first sentence too. They were all great words and you pulled me into the story imediatly. The opening was really fantastic. I would suggest breaking it up to three or atleast two sentences for the oppening scene. Other than that i have no complaints. There were many terms you used that i was unfamiliar with. But that's o.k. i can look it up later. I'm sure they are specefic to your setting and tone and i think you have done a brilliant job with that so i wouldn't want you to lose any of it. I'm sure anyone who lives where you do want have the ignorance I do.
I love the narrative of this storry. I love how we see the monster and its antithesis through the eyes of a child, his father's photagraphy, and a trusty ol' fire engine. Also, You did a wonderful job with Eugina's charachter. Excellent story. LOVED it!
Hi Jonathan:
Thanks so much for reading. I will definitely have a look at the first sentence...I was trying to make it seem as relentless as the fire pouring throughout the room...but was hoping to pull the reader along with it, not make em trip. ;-)
I knew that fire engine--there was one in the fire house that fascinated/frightened me and it came back to me as soon as I read writers were to set their stories in their home towns.
Again, thank you for the kind words--needed a lift today and you provided it! May all your fire engines be friendly ones!