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BathSaltz: Simulation-1
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Description
Just who in their right mind would subject themselves to chemicals notorious for inducing psychotic episodes? No one. So we'll just leave that to the jaded youth of Rockwall, TX. A packed little town full of kids just out of high school with just enough leftover stupidity to try their luck at the new substance causing so much media uproar. If this incident goes well, why not crop-dust the whole town in this new-found designer drug? No, just kidding...
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Comments
This story made me laugh out loud! I believed every word, too. Complete sicko fun.
Nice tapping of the zeitgeist! I don't know that I was horrified, but I like Gonzo as well as the next guy. I like the set up. My only criticism is that maybe you could have drawn it out a bit and prolonged the "fun". The girlfriend, who we've only heard about second hand, consumes the bath salts and 1-2-3 she's got the psychosis going in the front yard. Maybe a transformation scene?
But that's just a suggestion. I thought it was well realized just as it is.
Good, fun read. Great job of bringing to life an arrogant, adolescent-at-heart narrator. Excellent tone and pace. Here are some ideas, observations, and suggestions.
I know the lengthy sentences are part of the protagonist's personality but at at times this seems to work against you. This sentence in the first paragraph is too long IMO. For us jaded suburban kids, the events that follow any moment of ‘nothing-else-to- do’ could somehow lead to the six o’clock news, or some big board meeting for the entire school district to intervene on the corruption of the wealthy town’s beloved youth. I lose what you are talking about by the end.
In the second paragraph I love the line about a cat having eight lives left.
Missing 'an' before 11-year-old boy in the 3rd paragraph.
In the 4th paragraph, I am a veteran
at drug-taking. His drug use is made clear in the following sentences and I think keeping it simple adds to the sense of cockiness.What is "candy-flipped"? I feel like I should know.
5th paragraph, aren't supposed to ingest shit that says that sounds awkward to me. Maybe cut it to aren't supposed to ingest that shit.
You mention Christmas early on but I was very surprised when it came up that there was snow outside. Maybe its just this east coasters image of Texas. In general, I'd like to see a little more imagery of the environment/setting.
As I lay there in the grass, Katy looks at me once more.
I reach for her arm to grab. Can be worder better. I try to grab her arm.
The description of laforme fracture is not clear to me.
She crashes through the window and Christmas tree tumbling through broken glass and jumping to her feet like it's nothing. I think it works better if you say into the Christmas tree.
Hope this is helpful. Nice job.
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