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voodoo_em's picture

A Friend Indeed

By voodoo_em in Scare Us

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Description

One boring school trip, three fifteen year old boys and some hallucinogenic wasp stings...

Comments

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Look to Windward by Iain M. Banks July 26, 2012 - 9:52am

 Wow, very nice. I believed in the characters, loved the narrator's voice, loved the ending. Thanks for a great read.

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading Black Spire by Delilah Dawson July 28, 2012 - 6:39pm

I'm not keen on the change of POV at the beginning, but I like your description here. You repeat the action again at the end so it's redundant- I'd add to the later description instead. 

Nice details during the interrogation (noise of the classrooms down the hall, picking at the skin around fingernails).

Minor grammatical/punctuation stuff (mainly misuse of apostrophes).

I like that it's really left open as to what's real. I've not decided.

Great work overall!

 
Scott MacDonald's picture
Scott MacDonald from UK is reading Perfidia August 1, 2012 - 1:40pm

Really enjoyed this.  The voice of the narrator really comes through and gives it that extra dimension that lets you get lost in the story, and I liked the "they're everywhere" feel, which gives a hopelessness to their plight - kind of like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" reimagined through a David Icke bad dream.

And that was a cracking opening paragraph.