Late Nights and Corner Stores

Nice, dark, I enjoyed this. Good story.

I think the story works well enough, but it didn't seem real enough to me. The narrator has an attitude in the narration that doesn't translate to the way she would act in the story.

The whole time with the attacker flew by as if it never happened. I'd like to see some more intimate detail in there. Show what happened, you know?

With a little revision, I think you'll have a good piece.

Love this line and kind of wish you started the story with it: "There I was, standing above the dirty pile of a former man."  I'd even change it to 1st person.

Your segments with her being held captive and drugged are taut and filled with tension. Where the story gets muddled some is when you break between that and the psychiatrist. There are no pargraph breaks for one thing, and sometimes you jump between past and present tense, which tended to pull me out of the moment (I've pointed them out on the LBL). I think you can get away with changing tenses, but they should occur within their own segments, and not bleed into each other. I'd recommend all scenes with her abducter to be in present tense (important for the immediacy), and the psychiatrist scenes to be in past tense, even though it happens later in the story. Another thing to consider is whether or not you really need the psychiatry scenes at all, except maybe in the end in order to reveal that she's been retelling these events all along.

I must say that I'm glad to came back to address her missing dog, which was a nice touch:)

I think if you sort out the tenses, this story will more of the impact I think you're going for. It has promise, and I hope you work this one some more.

You have a very good base here, but if I had to describe this piece in one word it would be ‘rushed’. There is a concept here worth spending some time on. It may not be a ground-breaking original revenge tale, but it is solid in its setup and execution, and who doesn’t like seeing scumbags get what’s coming to them?

You have two parts here, and I think both could do with a little more development. I’m not sure if she would really be interviewed like this by a psychiatrist. I think it more likely to be the police, if she has yet to confess which is what it seems in your ending. It’s a minor point though. You bookend the story with this, but give it less than 200 words. It’s not enough time for it to add anything to your story. I’d consider either bolstering it up, or cutting it completely. The main story is not whether or not she faces jail time after all. This is not a tale of the consequences for her.

For me there are questions of motivation here. Throughout her capture I was expecting some kind of sexual assault, and you’ve done well to avoid the obvious, and thus keep the story within the guidelines. I do want to know why though, even if it’s just a hint. I understand the desire to keep this ambiguous, but the only snippet we get is that, “You’re not special”. As much as we’ll never completely understand why someone like that does these things, there needs to be something here to give us some idea. He kidnaps a woman, keeps her drugged, batters her repeatedly then just lets her go. A lack of motive does not make him more terrifying.

I like Dino’s comments about making the kidnap sections present tense to capture that sense of immediacy. I think that would help you build tension. The issue with her being kept drugged is that those sections become matter of fact rather than emotive, and that doesn’t allow for as much tension. I think there would be more impact if she wasn’t so easy for him to deal with at first, and so he resorts to those drugs to keep her more pliable.

As much as I like the idea of her terminally dealing with her tormentor in public, it gives you less time in her head before she has to react to the situation. Did you ever consider making the ending a neat counterpoint to her initial capture? Instead of him using a metallic object to know her out, she uses the blade on him to kill him, with just enough time for him to grasp who has ended his life. It would allow you more time to explore exactly what she is feeling as she prepares for that moment of pure vengeance.

Overall though I did like the story. I do like revenge stories, and I thought your protagonist was an interesting one. I think with a little more development, you could be onto a winner here.

I'm not sure if I was reading a revised version or not, but I really enjoyed it.  It didn't feel rushed to me, rather fast paced.  It was good and dark, but not grotesque.  Thanks for sharing and best of luck.

I really enjoyed the story. However, I felt there was more telling here than showing. Alot of portions could be revised here to show more and that would take this peice to a whole other level.

The ending too was a little vague. A few more details about what happened to her afterwards would have been nice. I'd like to know if she's alright, in jail or in the psych ward?

These were my two main gripes. Other than that, solid work! Thumbs up!

PS - Heres my story - Que sera sera.

http://litreactor.com/events/arrest-us/que-sera-sera

I am looking for more feedback, so I'd appreciate if you could give it a read and shoot me some comments. Thanks!

Cassandra,

I think this is a good story, and especially early on I was really enjoying the character's narration. It was witty without it trying to hard, and I especially liked this line:

There's something about a young woman buying cheap domestic beer that gets all the old drunks going.

It's a strong line that I almost wished was your opening line, as I prefer for stories to start in the 'now' rather than do flashbacks, but that's just me.

To me, the story still felt a bit rushed. Like you were trying to do too much at it once. I really enjoyed the beginning in the grocery story, as that had a nice pace, and there was a good mix of description, dialogue and narration. As the story moves on though, the pace and flow sputters a bit.

When your MC is kidnapped, you kinda lost me. Her intitail reaction with the "I'll fucking killed you" didn't seem natural. I'm not saying that I expect all victims to be quirvering masses of tears, but nothing prior to this made me think the character would react this way.

It feels like her attempt to escape should be a big, tension filled thing, but it's written kind of matter of factly and almost skimmed by that the first time reading it, I sort of didn't realize how big of a deal this would be.

Your kidnapper doesn't get developed, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I think a faceless antagonist can work and has merit, but right now, you do sort of give us a few glimpses-before your MC is kidnapped, and when he drops her off in the car- which ended up making me want to know more. The same goes with the detail about the car and it's previous owner. I would suggest that you remove that detail, because it really doesn't lead anywhere, but sort of feels like it should. A red herring is nice, but only if it has takent the time to be developed for it.

As the story started to end, it felt like you realized that you had to end this soon, and began to push all the characters, their reactions and dialogue towards the conclusion. A lot of the main character's interaction with the police and clerk didn't feel real. I think there's a really good story here about a victim that is ignored by everyone and takes matters into her own hand, but here it's sort of glazed over. You do have a great line in:

The cops brought me to the hospital, where they told me that my nose, several bones in my hands and three of my ribs had been broken. Simple fracture; minor bruising, each word tossed at me with a reassuring smile, minimizing the significance of my trauma.

It's so good that it made me wonder if maybe you should forego the entire backstory and start your story here. If you want to keep it under the word count, this would help, as you could further develop the way she is triviliazed. If you want to keep your story as it, maybe ignore the word limit .

Hope some of this helps, and that it doesn't come out sounding overly negatively. I did enjoy the story and your writing is good.  Good luck with this.

Cassandra,

This read like a fucking nightmare and I loved it. I think every woman can identify with your protagonist and that's really where you get most of your power from. Everytime I go anywhere remotely sketchy late at night (and even sometimes in broad daylight) something like this is on my mind and I'm so glad to see it portrayed so wonderfully in your story with such a cathartic ending. I especially liked your depiction of the police, doctors and everyone else being so nonchalant about yet another woman whining about being abducted and beaten. Ugh, get over it already. What did you think would happen when you decided to grow ovaries? Well done. Seriously.

Probably my only complaint is that, like others have said, there is a lot of telling in here. I understand it's because it's such a fast paced tale but I think it could really benefit from being slowed down a little bit with more vivd descriptions of exactly what's happening and maybe some tactile descriptions. Just saying he bludgeoned her doesn't have quite the same impact as telling us what it feels like as her bones splinter and her skin rips apart. I think if you just spent a little more time on this you'd have a truly immersive and gruesome tale. As it is, though, I still loved it. Kudos.

Aud.

Hi Cassandra

Dark, dark story. A thumbs up. Could be tighter though, and I want to feel more of what the victim feels (not literally... in literature!).

The start isn't quite punchy enough, it's all in the word choices. "dirty pile of a former man" doesn't do it for me. I think maybe you can work more with the eyes. It's something she notices the first time they meet, and maybe, dead and staring, it's that what throws her back into the story. And "I met the man" - met isn't again the best of choices. If you went with the eyes idea, then it would be "I first saw those damned eyes two years ago...".

I'd like her to have some lucid moments when he;s not doing things to her and she isn't drugged up, when she's given a chance to think - to fear what comes next, to go slightly mad...

I'd like to get more the sense of what he has stolen from her - she seems to have adjusted back too well. If she's nervous in public, if she's got a new, more menial job, if she's moved house, changed as much about herself as possible, is she in therapy, does she have nightmares?

When the car almost stops - have her see the shocked face. Make it one of those "not my business, not stopping" moments that it almost is.

I want more menace in his one real conversation with her. More pauses, more space in there. Think cinematic - this is the idea that though he's letting her go, he isn't really letting her go. It's a powerful scene.

What drugs does he use? I think this is an interesting aspect. If street, then she'll be hooked, and the cops might treat her more with suspicion and as a junkie. If prescription then it suggests a more calculating (Jack the ripper-esque) crime.

You never explain what she is doing buying a 12 pack of cheap domestic beer? This might be an interesting insight into her before the kidnap.

I was worried about Jack the whole story... glad he got saved, (though the story might have more punch if his emancipated body was in the car still...) but I do wonder, if her car wouldn't have been towed, or if the criminal wouldn't have found it easier to drive her car back to his hideout, than transfer her between cars in the parking lot?

The end is a little easy, perhaps, and I don't immediately get a sense of where it takes place (another queue - a different shop? This criminal - still pretending to be a drunk? What is he in the queue for? What does this guy buy? (Could be something creepy. Could just be cat food.)

Since we know she's going to kill him, the tension is a little lighter than it could be. You could start with her recognising him in the queue, flash back, and then finish on the kill. Maybe keep the knife quiet until the end. That way, us readers are petrified she's about to be re-victimised, whereas the tables are about to be turned? (And if she isn't SURE if she has been recognised, that gives her actions added motive...)

I like the coda at the end - as you say, the bystanders are more scared of her than him.

Decent story, well done.

Liam

Thumbs up from me. I think any criticisms I've thought of have been covered above. Would agree that parts of it feel rushed: there seems to be a lot of speeding up and slowing down of the story. One thing that stuck out for me was her first escape attempt: while most of the story was nicely tense, this bit fell a bit flat -- I think that was as much to do with inconsistency: IE the cars not stopping to help didn't seem the most realistic, and the whole thing is resolved too quickly without much build up.

Another thing I found a little jarring -- I get that you're trying to show all the surrounding characters as unsupportive, from the nurse to the cashier etc., but they all seem to act in a very similar, surly way. The police officers were drawn well as condescending and careless, and I like that you're showing what a hostile environment strangers can provide for survivors of criminal attacks, but I woulda preferred more variety in how the vet nurse and cashier express this hostility rather than a bored surliness.

A general point would be to watch out for passive voice. There were a few more 'I had' and 'I was' and stuff like that than may have been necessary.

Overall though I liked the story, the villain was very original: not a serial *killer* but a serial *assaulter* -- you describe well how his actions are bound up in power and domination and the need to subordinate, rather than a one dimensional blood lust. You describe the scenes leading up to the attacker releeasing her back in the car, and police station, really well.

Thanks for the read

Tom

Harrowing stuff here, but I was hooked and couldn't stop reading, so yeah, good job. I can only echo what others have said, especially the part about it being rushed, but that's not a deal breaker for me, because you did what you needed to do with the allotted word count. 

Thumbs up from me, thanks for sharing this. 

Hey Cassandra,

I think you've got something with quite a bit of potential here. It is a very engaging story and I think you did a good job of developing the lead character. Skimming some of the other comments, it seems like there is somewhat of a feeling of the story being rushed at times which I can see.

For me though, I think my biggest complaint was how the ending went down exactly. You portray the protagonist as attempting to try to get over the fear associated with her captor and to me there never are any real strong tendencies of violence tied to her. Like she would try to hurt him in order to escape but it never seemed like she would be one to engage in a really rash decision. For that reason, it seemed strange to me why she would kill the man in public when the consequences of her actions are so apparent. Since the police never had any real leads, and as is alluded to in the final sentence, no one else has any perspective as to why she killed that man. Because of this, presumably she would be going to jail for quite a while which I guess just struck me as an action that one without some strong violent compulsion wouldn't take.

Anyway, that is just one person's perspective and overall I did really think the story was written well. Best of luck in the contest.

Zack