Curtis is Crazy

Hey,

This is a good story you've got here. Kind of wish you would have posted it earlier because there are a few things you could change to make it that much better. Mostly just cutting things. Starting the story with a 33 word sentence isn't always the best opener.

The prose is pretty tight and the backstory parts have a distinct style that is very mature in the delivery. You did really well with those. 

I liked how the assisted suicide came out of nowhere at the end. I was starting to wonder if this was a crime story or not. 

Overall, this is good writing. It could use a once over with the red pen, but good job.

I think there's some good moments in the story--starting with a great opening segment--but unfortunately the story didn't click with me.

For me, the story was just so overbearingly dark and ugly that it became hard for me to get through it. I think there's a way to make dark and ugly work (some woul argue that's what makes noir noir), but the way the story is currently written, there's no rest to the ugliness. It just piles on and on, and I hate to be blunt, but after a while it just becomes boring and forced. Curtis right now doesn't feel fully developed, because for the most part the only thing we see of him is his hate towards people and racism. The grandma helps a bit with this, but even then she's also tinted with darkness, so instead of their relationship standing out and being different from everything else in the story, it becomes just another blemish in an already ugly world. I think it would be more interesting if she was a contrast to Curtis. This would possibly give Curtis some internal tension as he is faced with someone that he doesn't completely hate.

I do agree with JR that there's a bit too much telling and backstory through out the story. For example, early on you have a paragraph where Curtis talks about the neighborhood. It's not a bad moment, but because it's placed so quickly after the story begins, when you switched back to "I follow her around the corner", it took me a second to remember what was happening.

The story as it is right now doesn't seem to really get started until the last few pages. Before then, there is a lot of back story and scene setting, but unfortunately there isn't a lot of tension or reason for someone to continue. It you want to keep the same tone as you have right now, I feel like you need to get the main crux of the story started earlier on. You do hint at the grandman being okay with the way she goes out, but I think it needs to be mentioned outright early on. There needs to be some sort of tension added to the story.

As alwys, this is just my opinion. Take anything you might find useful and disregard the rest.

.

Matt,

(Spoilers, obviously)

Maybe I'm just a sucker for twisted characters killing each other but I really enjoyed this. I don't know if you fixed it up but I definitely disagree with your other commentors; I saw the assisted suicide coming. I think you did a really graceful job of peppering in just enough hints without telling us right out. The "I was the only one who knew grandma was dying" line was perfect. It tells us just enough about his relationship with her while also foreshadowing her fate. I also really liked the twist with Cheeseman. I felt that gave the character just the right amount of depth without fully justifying his actions This story kind of reminded me of a mix of Marabou Stork Nightmares and Do The Right Thing. The thing I do agree with the others on is the tension. There was a lot of just straight character stuff. It might have been more tense if you emphasized the heat fucking him up mentally a la The Stranger. You could give him a few heat induced mini meltdowns that might help put the reader on edge and plant the idea that he could go completely off the rails at any moment. Or you could leave it as is. It's really an interesting and sick read. If you don't mind, I'd actually kind of like to hear your thoughts on mine. Our stories have a few similarities and I'd love to hear what you think works and what doesn't. http://litreactor.com/events/arrest-us/for-all-we-know If you have the time, I'd really appreciate it.

Good job, again.

Aud.

This isn’t my usual thing, but for what it’s worth, I really did kind of like this. While Curtis comes very close to being an archetypal angry man/cop, I think what elevates here is the assisted suicide angle. It’s interesting to see this kind of character interact in this way with the grandmother. Amongst the ugliness there is a little heart to be found, and I dug that. If anything, I think you could build just a little bit more on it.

I would have liked to have seen something here to make Curtis more unique. He’s a type of character that you tend to see a lot of at the moment. You call him crazy Curtis, but I tend to agree with Joe in that he doesn’t really come across as crazy, certainly not enough for a couple of trips to the loony bin (which likely would have ruled him out of being both a soldier and a cop over this side of the pond). He’s angry, fucked up, and on the edge of exploding… which of course, inevitably he does.

The ending is strong, but the lead to it could be stronger. Curtis loses it due to, “the scent of Stan Cheeseman’s pedophilia”. This feels instinctively like a weak reason to suddenly remember his grandfather and to set him off vomiting all over the hallway. I’m guessing that this is where his madness comes in, hence the flashback to the loony bin. If that is the case, it’s fine, but you need to build Curtis up as being more on the edge. References to the trips to the loony bin don’t cut it on their own. We need to see him beginning to fray at the edges throughout the story. Incidentally, the cut away to cover him as an 8 year old just kills the tension you’ve created by killing Cheeseman. I’d suggest either culling it completely, or sticking it earlier in the tale.

While the end is strong, it’s over in a heartbeat. Partly that’s because the flow of the story by that stage is very quick (as it should be), but I would have liked to have seen a little more. Once Cheeseman is gone, and Grandma has kicked the bucket, it could do with just a bit of slowing down, to let the action sink in. I love that you have Ashley coming in at the end, that’s brilliant, but that paragraph that starts “I took her cash…” could be expanded upon. It’s very quick and neat, and a little more of the mechanics of what he’s thinking could come across, especially if he’s batshit crazy.

Solid thumbs up from me, and good luck with the contest.

Heyo.

Don't take the racial epithets out. They were shocking and difficult to read, as well they should be, and as unpleasant as they are they're true to the character - he's a racist prick. Leave 'em in. 

I, too, got the impression early on that there was an assisted suicide angle to the story...but then you threw me off with the trip to the bank, at which point I thought he was going to be helping the old woman rob a bank...then back to the assisted suicide. It wasn't a "Sixth Sense" style pull-the-rug-out-from-under-me twist, but it threw me nonetheless. 

Curtis reminded me of one of GTA's less-admirable protagonists (Travis Grady, maybe, or Niko Bellic) and that made his rougher edges a bit more tolerable for me. I don't know if I could read a whole novel of Curtis' adventures through the hell of everyday life, but a short story worked just fine. 

Good job. 

Hi MP,

There's a interesting idea in here, (the suicide, the cop with the outrageous inner dialogue) with some good one liners, but it's skewed by Curtis being somewhat an over the top caricature. Tone him down, somewhat, and it might work. I'd make it obvious he's a cop from the moment of his response to the Jewish shopkeeper. Plus, do most city cops EVER work alone? Or is it always partnered up?

I'm bemused by the number of stories that make reference to "ass cracks". In keeping with Curtis's less than PC commentary, perhaps it's because they're all by fat americans? Whatever, it doesn't make these stories sound more gritty, or noir, quite the reverse. Gritty and noir are tight, not flaccid...

Not many 70 year olds shoot up. Mostly, they simply don't get to be 70 year olds that way. I like her petty larceny (the world OWES me attitude) though she'd be better off putting the beer in the fridge and the Canada Dry under her feet... But I wonder if with the shooting up and the prostitution is just too much. If you want to play with your readers, make that shooting up (eventually) Morphine, though that's normally take orally...

"Reality was I couldn’t give a shit what was supposed to happen today" - this is a bit too close and conflicts with the "I would talk to the landlord about it if today was just some other day, but it wasn’t". Also, you've already set up other "this is NOT a day like others" markers in conversation with the gran, even before the wonderful "“Ok, hun,” she said. “Gimme a second to go get my gun.”"

Things slow down immediately after for some back story. Keep this short would be my advice.

If Gran is using, EVERYBODY knows that Gran is dying. Just not from what.

His puke hits the low ceiling? Wow. Double wow. Obviously NOT got a weak stomach then.

Eight year old can lift a football sized rock? Above another kids head?

I guessed suicide (assisted...) as soon as the gun wasn't used at the bank. But the ending - with her moment taken away, and Curtis's "plan" (which wasn't one, really) coming to fruitition, disappointed. I can kind of see where you were going - he'll be in trouble for assisting suicide, so why not kill two birds with one stone, and if he gets away with it, well, a suspension perhaps at worst... but you don't sell this to the reader. If nothing else, the joint appearance of the two of them in the bank will lead to questions he can't deflect, it seems. Plus, from the evidence of this outing, he's probably got history (I'm amazed he's managed to stay a cop. I'm amazed with his mental history that either the Army or the police took him on!).

The final bit with Ashley - does it help the story along any? Seems a bit weak. I'd be loathe to push him that far, but if he has to shoot her as well for his cover story to work... then that'd be some serious thuggery.

Liam