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Diet or Die
How It Rates
Description
The government has just released a new diet drug, Thinterestaphal. But it seems to have a mind of its own...
Comments
I love the hook of a diet drug that induces cannibalism. And I see how you made the drug itself the narrator. I do think, though, that you can push this story farther, maybe by allowing us to follow a person through his/her experience of eating someone, or getting just a bit worried about someone else who ends up eating them. A lot of the text that's meant to explicate could be handled through a character's exposure to ads or something. Regardless, I think this is a really good example of sci-fi addressing a current issue that weighs heavily on people's minds.
You had me at "pharmaceutical phallus." Clever concept, reminiscent of Huxley's soma. Thumbs up. Just as a general rule, though, try not to sound quite so contemptuous towards fat people.
Hey, I liked this story. The perspective was totally unique. A self-aware drug! Great job.
Katie,
I love the tone of the piece. Really pitch-perfect for this sort of story. I also like the concept a lot. I actually wrote a story 5-6 years ago about synthetic proteins that turned people into semi-crazy, overweight behemoths. Not outright cannibals, but nuts and desperate for more of the synthetic protein that was now in short supply. But I digress.
I think my main issue with the piece is that it's very heavy on explication. You show what you can, but the perspective demanded by the way you've structured your story virtually forces to you to tell more than show.
I think the story gets weaker about the time you introduce the barbi and the bean poll--both very much cardboard cut-out characters (which is fine in a story this short). I don't know how a drug places itself in someone's coffee--that part had me wondering if I had misread the earlier bits and the drug was actually a person.
I think the story could use a bit of lengthening with an emphasis on showing us the world vs. having the drug tell us about it.
Overall: you write well, have a great voice, and should feel proud of this story.
Kindly,
Nathan
An easy thumbs up. One of the better stories I've read so far. I could go on about "info-dumps" and "showing vs. telling," but I think you showed how sometimes those things work. No complaints for me. Thanks for the fun read!
Thanks everyone for the feedback!
Thumbs up for pushing the limits. Thumbs up for originality.
Nicely structured and told, and the perfect length. I won't say I found the idea of a sentient drug believable, but I sure found it refreshing! Great work.
Hmm, I'm not sure what I think of this one. Thinterestaphal is one of the more offensive creatures I've run across so far, but it's brutally honest about its views. (What kind of pronoun do you give to a sentient drug!?) The drug's voice is loud and clear throughout the story. To tell the truth, that's the main reason that I'm not down voting the story.
The first four paragraphs feel off; they don't seem to fit the drug's voice as well as the rest of the story. Part of the problem are phrases like "At that point, ..." and "One of the ...". They don't really add anything to the story.
There's also something about the way the ideas are grouped that bugs me. For instance, the first sentence of the second paragraph seems to fit better with the first paragraph than with the second. "Technology had come so far ..." could easily stand on its own as a single sentence paragraph.
That bit about the pattern formed by the neuropylons didn't seem to add anything to the overall story. Does the pattern really matter or is it just there for effect?
Still, you did a good job anthropomorphizing something that is inherently inhuman. Your drug is definitely the most original creature I've seen so far. I guess that's enough to earn an up-vote. ;)
Good Job!
I did enjoy the sentient drug, it has a really good voice and makes for an entertaining narrator. It's not the most believable of characters admittedly - it has almost god-like power, and for a 23rd century drug, it has a very old school taste in films. The show versus tell is a problem, though given you have the drug interacting with its environment, perhaps you have more room for show than would usually be the case with such a non-human narrator. A longer piece would be good to see - you have a lot of potential here.