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Nootropic Software Blues
How It Rates
Description
A young uni graduate winds up in Cairo, sick with grief. After he buys a pair of Oakley-Samsung AR glasses, a shareware app called Empyreal tells him he ought to erase the memory of a loved one.
Comments
What could have been a great opening line here is extended into a long paragraph crammed full to bursting with backstory. I’d keep the opening line up to broken heart, then re-work the rest or drip-feed it into the story slowly. I’m not sure why you’ve picked Cairo here either. There is little sense of place here, and it could be anywhere at all.
That said those are my only criticisms. It works well as a short story. I’m a sucker for the theme of love and memory (as is obvious from my own attempt), and this is well done. The ending is very satisfying, and the last line is great. Perhaps you could make him more conflicted if you were looking to further develop it. This is a very enjoyable story.
I love the setting, interesting to paint a story around the corner technology-wise. Could have been more colored by the location, I think. Cairo could be a really interesting place in the near future.
Sometimes felt a bit jumbled and unstructured. Did not really understand why he was given three choices. But a thumbs up for the overall tone. Hope to see some edits.
just a few critiques:
I woudln't post your address in a public forum such as this one. I would hope that everyone here is mature enough to ignore it, but there has been mention of some trolls. (I may be new here, but I have read quite a few of the stories via a friends account).
The first paragraph is really just one long sentence. rewrite it.
I think it needs something more, but cannot place my finger on it. Something that really killed it for me was all of the one sentence paragraphs. It seemed too choppy. Overall, it was a good story, and with a few edits it could be great.
The middle of this story is wonderful: very cleanly written and smooth to read. The beginning and ending, on the other hand need some work.
At the first two sentences I said "oh crap." You're flat out telling me things that would be better brought out in the story. Delete everything before "Four-fifty" and intersperse those ideas elsewhere in the story. Say, change the line:"The card on the table ..." to: "The card next to the Oakley-Samsungs ..." or something like this, etc. Starting in the middle of a something going on is a good way to immerse your reader and hook your reader very quickly.
As to the ending, I like the way you closed things out but it confused me the first time I read through it. Maybe something about him walking through the memory? In its present form I missed the clue that he was remembering Agatha with their relationship removed from his memory.
Very Good Job!
Hey Alex,
This is the most difficult story for me to provide comments on because I've actually read it in my slush pile at a magazine I work for, so this will be much shorter than feedback I've given for other stories! Keeping confidentiality issues in mind, the general gist of the feedback I passed on to the head editor was that I really liked your story, and the last few pages were just heart breaking. I loved the emotion I felt; I got the same kick in the guts I got when I watched Code 46. The beginning was a little uninspiring, though. (Oh, and yes, I did recommend it!)
If you get the chance, do you mind having a read over my story? http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/gravidism
Thanks,
Jess