To read this story or to participate in this writing event, you only need a free account.
You can
To find out what this event is about click here
Baggin' Along
How It Rates
Description
30 years and a cataclysm ago, everyone joked that no one would go crazy if the world ended. What do you know, those pansy script writers were right. People still need to find stuff, that's where we come in.
Now updated with better grammar, and *gasp* actual editing by someone who hasn't read the story fifty times!
Comments
Although the story was a very rough, slapstick version of a Star Wars episode, I liked the over-the-top buddy humor. Cheers!
I felt like we'd get a lot of heavy, really dense material and I wanted to explore a little dark humor. I intentially wrote it to be light-hearted because, well, the world is insane. Just because civilization ends doesn't mean that changes.
I thought the concept of Packers was hilarious. The action was a little choppy, I wasn't always sure what was going on, but I agree the humor was good.
Hmmm, thanks for that, any suggestions on how to smooth it out?
I don't pretend to be an expert on action sequences-- it seems to be a place that I get stuck as well! Maybe go with the impressions of the characters during the sequence, and any exposition after?
As for smoothing things out: I lke to take each sentence and reread it to make sure that it says what I meant it to say, and that it cannot mean anything else. Then, I ask myself it it flows. Next, I check the entire section for continuity. I repeat this process hundreds of times when writing a novel.
Interesting concept you've got there. I couldn't quite tell if she was speaking aloud or if Mike was hearing her in his mind. There wasn't anything to obviously say one way or the other though I get the impression, after reading through the story, that only Mike could hear her I was also a touch confused as to why Rex did what he did in the end. It did seem to fit with the experience level/age of his owner though. Other than another edit run through or two being needed, Good job!
She's speaking pretty much in his head. I didn't want to get too far into the weeds with the actual description of how the Core worked. Aside from word limits, I didn't want to have to go into a complex neurological study on how to make it work in hard science :).
As for Rex, I wanted to leave that up to the reader. I'll take another shot at it before it goes in for final review and make some changes.
Funny story in a silly, slapstick sort of way. I guess it met all the contest requirements, if Rex was the alien (???) or if she (in the brain) was the alien. Anyway, it was well-written for the most part although it had echos of Mad Max and other familiar scenes. It always pays to proof read several times and you might have caught some missing or incomplete words and some errors of punctuation. Those mechanics are STILL important, even in today's teleshorthand. LOL.
Smoothing out........ One way is to use a combination of setting description, meaningful and understandable dialogue, and a consistent attention to the plot, in this case, a clear idea of how the converstaion is taking place and "tags" that tell the reader who is talking. Some interspersed description would help. For example what did the buggy look like. What did the cave/barn look like? What did the landscape look like, etc.
A fun, diverting story. I enjoyed reading this. Good dialogue, and you really let us into their heads.
You know, you've written the ultra-nicest boyfriend in the world. Because he's willingly carrying his girlfriend around in his head for...possibly forever. I can see this as a TV show where she never actually gets a body.
I had a couple thoughts. It might make sense to have them married. I mean, it seems he's making a great sacrifice, and their relationship is VERY close compared to a simple dating-type relationship. It may not be called marriage after the apocalypse, but I think it should be a lot more than what was described.
I'd also up the playful banter/flirting/whatever. You have a girl inside a guy's head, and that is a primo opportunity. You do a little bit of this, and I think you can take it to the next level.
I too was confused about Rex. I was never sure why it acted like it did at any given time. I think there's room to clarify why he does or doesn't attack.
All in all, I enjoyed what you wrote. Thanks!
This is a very good concept – the consciousness core in particular. It’s an interesting way to go with the non-human character, and there is some good verbal sparring here. I’d have liked to have seen more in the settlement. The bar scene seems a little rushed, though with the word count as it is that is understandable. I’d also have liked the ending to have been fleshed out more, but ultimately that’s what is strong about this story, I wanted to read more. This feels like a vignette from a much bigger story.
A fun read, I enjoyed your story, the shared consciousness works well as both a sci fi and romantic concept that could be explored even more, I think this tale works as a good start to a longer story. A good intro to a classic post-apocalyptic world.
This was a fun story. I really liked it. I think you need to work on the communication of the two people a little better. It was awkward that they had to talk aloud to communicate with each other. I know it added to the tension of the scene, but it didn't do it for me. The scene at the bar seemed a little rushed. It's important not to put something in your story that doesn't move the plot forward and other than adding a little tension, it didn't do anything else. I'd also like to know why Rex killed the boys in the end.
I didn't get everything about your story, but I still really enjoyed the heck out of it. Great job. Thanks for sharing. ~Sam
I like the concept and especially the way you dealt with the idea of the non-human character by embedding her (though for some reason I thought that 'she' was a 'he' until Mike referred to her as 'woman') in Mike's brain.
Although I was invested in the main characters, I can't say that I was invested in the story itself. Mike and the narrator just rumble on from one encounter to the next, with there being no real threat to them. I never felt that they were ever in any real danger, though it did bring up the question of whether or not the implant would continue functioning if Mike were to die. Would the narrator just keep on thinking, trapped in the body of her now-dead lover?
Also, although they had a quest, that quest never had any real investment to it, either, since it's only when they get the dog back home that we find out that the narrator is hoping for a body (or to get hers back). Getting that information in sooner would have given some weight to their project.
Also, why is Mike so keen to avoid telling anyone that he has another consiousness inside his head? It's apparently common enough to have associated terminology, so why would people start reaching for their guns just because some wasteland wanderer was talking to himself? Heck, even without the imbedded consciousness, that seems a bit of an overreaction on their part.
Anyway, I like the team-up; I just think they need a tighter story to give them a venue that can really explore the dynamic of that embedded conciousness.
Oh, and Rex was fun, though I'll admit to having no idea why he killed off all of his prior peeps.
My bad. Doubled my comment. Sorry.