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Outlyers: Surface
How It Rates
Description
The Commune of United Systems is the last bastion of humanity in the galaxy. A political and economic organization which stems multiple systems and planets. This story is essentially the second installment in the "Outlyer" series. It takes place on Getha, the largest moon orbiting Parallax which is home to a notorious criminal underworld. The two main characters, David Nelsson and Patches have stumpled across a distress transmission from a Commune Fleet vessel which had been exploring beyond the Commune rim. They are waiting to meet up with a man who is interested in purchasing the transmission for his own personal reasons.
Note: This is only my second story and the first I have posted on LitReactor. Constructive criticisms and comments are highly encoruaged. Enjoy!
Comments
Hi Daniel, let me start by saying this is a very accomplished second story. Your prose is straightforward and clear, even when you write about (to me) unfamiliar concepts, I have no problem following. There also a certain effortlessness in how you write about the technological stuff, excellent work on that. I also liked the tone and the dialogue, and the characters – although not extensively developed – were believable and easy to picture. The character I would have liked more focus on is the Ravenger, I want to feel the terror it inspires and I would like some background on the models(?) history.
Regarding world building, I think you offer sufficient information to gives us a hint of what your dystopia looks like and how it operates. The one thing I would comment on is that, imo, it would be preferable if you scattered the information throughout the text rather than devoting a whole page to it right at the start, especially in such a short piece.
Sometimes, you explain a little more than you need to. Trust your character's dialogue and actions to convey to the reader what they're thinking. I marked one such passage at the end of my LBL. I should warn you the LBL is not very extensive, but that's because I didn't find much worth commenting on.
Thumbs up, thank you for sharing!
Hi Linda!
Thank you for the encouraging words and detailed review. I started writing short stories as a sort of testing ground for a idea I have for a novel so they're really just snap shots of a larger world.
Regarding your point about world building I agree with fully. I had difficulty in how best to explain the background without skipping details which I felt were important and this was the method I decided to go with but it is something I will work on in the future.
Thanks again,
-Daniel.
Daniel,
Your submission has all of the elements of a good cyberpunk story. It's gritty and bleak with hints of shimmering technologies available the masses only through criminal enterprise. Each character is distinct with your dialog futher defining their personalities without being overly dramatic.
My concern while reading was you are trying to fit a lot of backstory into a very small space, and the arc of the story suffers becuase of that. I know you are thinking of a larger work, and this is a common problem when doing an exploratory piece, but it's as if the whole thing is exposition for the real action to come later. From the detailed descriptions of Clavamore Column to the "been over this a hundred times" dialog to Creole confirming his requests (which we've already been told about once) were followed, you're setting a foundation for something we don't get to see by the time the story ends.
It's a world I would like to explore further but as a standalone story it just doesn't contain enough meat, if you get my meaning. I too would like to see more of the Ravenger so perhaps you could start the story as the characters are beginning their meeting. This would allow you to use the back and forth dialog to uncover the details of the transmission while the action could reveal the world they inhabit. Just a thought.
Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
C.
I see C. opens by noting you have "all the elements of a good cyberpunk story", and in one sense I entirely agree. However, it's all the elements of every such story, plus all the elements of other common story types, merely dished up without the panache, the style, the art that is needed.
The opening dialogue is nondescript and leads into a whole page of dull infodump. And not just dull - cliched. Every standard done-a-thousand-times-already idea in the book.
Page two then opens with a classic "as you know, Bob" dialogue, where one character tells the other something that character doesn't need to be told purely because the author thinks the reader needs it. In this case it's complete with "been over this already" and "you should know" - clear clues as to what's wrong with it.
Then it turned into a game of "spot the cliche" and I got bored. Sorry. Perhaps there's redeeming features later on, but I can't overemphasise the importance of the first page being right.
CKevin and Rob Pearce,
I greatly appreciate your comments regarding the story. I'm still very new to writing so anything which can help me become better is always welcome.
One of the problems many people have addressed is the opening pages since it basically becomes pure backstory while forgetting the actual story taking place. I've rewritten parts of the story while taking your advice into consideration. I've cut out large chunks of background so its down to just 2 small paragraphs while managing to work snippits into the story plot.
Regarding the Ravenger, the idea came to me while I was writing the story and it wasn't originally supposed to be there. The deadline was fast approaching and I didn't have the time to fully explain it without missing the cut off. I've added more a little bit more about them but since Nelsson doesn't know too much about them I wanted to leave the Ravenger more mysterious. In a future installment I do plan on exploring them more fully however.
Thank you again! :D
There's potential in this, but I think the main problem is that there is a wider story going on that we only glimpse. The transmission is not merely a mcguffin for the short story, there's too much riding on it. When they drive off in a panic expecting further complications, that's leaving very little sense of closure. It feels instead like a prologue or introduction rather than a complete story arc. The Ravenger is good, and with more flesh on it could be a very strong character. Keep writing drafts of this, and it will get better and better each time.
Thanks for your input. I've revised the story recently and I've made it much more focused on the transaction between the characters. I've left it open ended because I'm picturing in my head a much larger story that unfolds due to the actions in the story but you're right I should provide a closure to it.
The Ravenger was a last minute addition when I originally submitted it for the contest but I've provided more in the revised version
Thanks!
-Daniel.
A smooth read, it would make a good hook for the beginning of something longer. I didn't come across any proof reading stuff that tripped me up either. Very nicely done! Is this a story you plan to do more with?
Excellent work!
This is actually the second part of a multi part story that I'm working on surrounding the "Outlyer Protocol" which I mention in the story. I'm currently revising the first part, trying to condense down a lot of the segments which seemed to drag out for no good reason in particular. Hopefully one day it can become a space opera/adventure type. Iain M. Banks' "Culture" novels have been a major influence on the story so far.