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The Last Laugh
How It Rates
Description
An undesirable is given the chance of a lifetime in a future where the wealthy rule society and the poor are pushed to the fringe.
Comments
I think this story poses the question of what "charity" really does for both the giver and the receiver.
I think this needs a round or two more of editing. Nothing major, just some minor technical issues. For instance, your last paragraph looks like it should really be broken up into several paragraphs. It would be a good deal clearer if you broke it up around the dialogue.
For that last one, you'd start a new paragraph at "Sir ..." and another one at "I - I don't ..." and you might even put the block in between those in it's own paragraph. As it is, the story reads smoothly but has a tendency for things to start blending together.
As to the story itself, you did a good job of laying out your world and the heavily classist society. I could easily visualize the stage that Silas was standing on and the shadowy view he had of the audience. It all fit together very cleanly. You did an excellent job of treating Sci-Fi as a significant component of your story while keeping it in the background without it feeling contrived. Just the right kind of balance!
Wonderful Read!
PS I just found this and thought it might be helpful: http://www.saidsimple.com/content/When-to-Make-a-New-Paragraph
Thanks for the link! It's very helpful! This is my very first submission, I've only just begun writing seriously and editing is a huge obsticle I still need to tackle! Thank you so much for the feedback : )
Two suggestions:
* Read -- a lot!
* Write -- a lot!
Keep at it and find some beta readers to read over your work somehwere around then 2nd or 3rd draft stage.
Good Luck to you!
* Added a few paragraph changes, still picking away at the editing. Thanks for bearing with me readers! I'm such a newb!
Nice. Well rounded. You might have dwelled more on the dystopia of the future. But where is the non-human character?
Haha I was wondering when someone would ask me that! I stretched the rule a bit, using the parenthetical as an excuse. The definition of "non-human" shifts in the story as does the people it's labeling. Silas begins the story by saying that he is an undesirable, that he is considered something less than human by a majority of the population. The pillars of society, the wealthy, are supposed to be the "humans" however even their Robot counterparts (who are non-human by definition) have more human qualities than they do. Silas ends the story by saying that in truth it is the people who live in the fringe that are the "real" people. So the label changes, is it Silas who is the lesser being, the robots, or the people like the CEO?
I'm not sure if I had intended it, or if that is just the way the story played out while I was writing, but one of the main themes became that exact question: Who is the non- human in the story?
At some point I will probably take some rewriting time and make this clearer. Perhaps adding some more dimension to characters who are representatives of each faction ( the Bots, the Pretty People & the Fringies)
This story was actually my very first completed short story, my first writing prompt, and my first submission! Sharp learning curve (not that I'm using it as an excuse, just an explanation haha) It's been a wonderful experience, and it was harder than I thought!! It was awesome!
Thank you so much for the feedback, it is wholeheartedly appreciated!
You’ve chose something really hard to pull off, a first person monologue style. The story itself is a good approach, though I would have liked to have seen more on the seduction, whereas from the start it was obvious that Silus was seeing through the curtain. There seems little chance that he will accept the offer into this society. A little more ambiguity may have helped here – he could be tempted by the idea of making money by insulting these people to their faces. I like the idea though of this upper echelon of society being so ridiculous, it’s a good take on it. If I’m honest, I’d have preferred not to have everything come through Silus. You could keep him as narrator and still have his world view coming across, but still make what is happening more current. Dialogue would help. Instead of just having him tell what is happening, show it happening and then have him comment on it. I’d say keep the strong first person (because Silus is a great character to talk through), but just lose the monologue style (though that’s only my personal opinion / taste).
Thanks for the feedback! Its funny, while writing this I was so extrodinarily hung up o the word count that I found myself leaving out a lot of the detail I would have liked. A lot of the elements would have been more elaborated. Oh well, first time is never perfect! : )
As to the voice style of the story, I'm not sure I planned it, it's just how the story came spewing out on the paper. In the end I kept it, because I liked the idea of the entire thing coming from the mouth of a standup / storyteller as it would have in the actual world of the story. Of course everyone is entitled to their own oppinion : )
Thanks again!
You have a way with words. For example, this is pure poetry: "Just one Stepford stink eye stare is the equivalent of a pitchfork mob." I was really amazed when I read that sentence. Silas is very real, and the world is real, even if you only cover it in overview. You left me wanting more in that regard. I wanted more details, and that is not a criticism. :) You created a world I wanted to know more about.
Effectively, your story is a rant. An essay covered in a sci-fi glaze. An interesting approach to this particular tale. Like most good sci-fi, you're commenting on society in a way we can relate to.
I've thought about it a bit, and while I don't want to diss the descriptive format you chose to tell your story, I think you sort of have a missed opportunity here. He's a comedian, and yet we don't really get to experience any of his act. You tell us he rants, but we don't really get to feel that. You tell us he's the greatest comedian, but we only have his word.
There was a point there, where I thought he was going to reveal himself as a Bot. I'm not sure why I thought that though. Odd.
Things smoothed out after a litte bit of a shaky start with some grammar that reads a little awkwardly:
There are some other instances of that sort of thing throughout, but really, some hardcore editing (as you've already mentioned) is the key to fixing most of those sorts of problems.
I have no real issue with anything that happens. If I have to sum up my feelings, I would have to say I would like to have had more excitement. I wanted to hear some jokes.
I hope this helps. This is way better than my first submission ever. While it has some improvement room, I do believe you can be proud of what you wrote.
Thanks so much! Your feedback was wonderful, and very helpful! I think I probably should have taken a lot more time with it, this is absolutely of first draft quality, very much a skeleton. I was so spazzed out over getting it in on time and the word count etc that I agree I missed some opportunity with it. I hope to continue doing these little challenges every so often, hopefully the next one will be a little fuller! Thanks again so much!