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In Time (You and I)
How It Rates
Description
An obsessed teenager finds a way to spend forever with the boy she loves. If terrifying entities don't get to her first.
Comments
Slight spoiler included, so please don't read until you'e read the story.
This is a neat little story, though I personally didn't like the way you folded the mythological into the scientific, as it broke with the flow of the story. As a whole it made sense, and aside from that one point flowed really well. Maybe make it more Lovecraftian at that point instead of new age would make it feel more visceral.
I think you could do with a subedit just to tighten your sentances a little, though this draft is very good.
On the whole a fascinating story, and definitely compelling without splurging on exposition.
The You and I flow of the story interrupted it for me. the idea was good and solid.
SPOILERS
Seeing inside the mind of an obsessed stalker ... interesting. I do have to say that the You and I dichotomy did throw me for a bit of a loop at first. At first I thought that I was the Guy your female character was obsessing over. It didn't really make sense to me for that I to be anyone else. I didn't realize that the two were the same person before and after a very traumatic event until the confession section. You might change the designation of the You and I sections to Before and After or something similar.
Otherwise, your writing is extremely smooth to read. I may have tripped up on one issue, but I can't seem to find it now. You have a good handle on the emotion that your character is feeling and seem to be able to convey it to the reader clearly.
Just out of curiosity, who was the non-human character?
Wonderful read, Keep at it!
It was the woman floating in space. She and the void were supposed to be representations of good and evil left after the earth was destroyed. I had another story where the non-human was a dog but i liked this one better.
Interesting concept. The you and I veiwpoints confused me a bit. It was a bit difficult to keep them sorted. I kept finding I needed to pull out of the story and go back to look which one I was reading. I picked up on the fact that it was the same person, but I think maybe a little bit more distiinction between the two would help. All in all, a good concept, and a nice story.
The themes here work outside the realm of sci-fi – the time machine being almost incidental to the tale. The obsession is well played and believable, and while I’m tempted to say it would be good to see more of Brendon’s character to see why she is so obsessed, I think I prefer not knowing. I like the way it ended without resolution as well. It’s a great last few lines.
What a story. Really, after I got to the end, I had to go review it. Only after I reviewed and confirmed a few things did I realize that everything did actually make sense. So, good job!
I think most readers will wander this story, struggling to make sense of what is going on. You run the risk of some readers giving up before you can reveal things to them. I suspect most of the confusion will be in regards to the You/I motif you went with.
You have a very dark main character here, and I like it. And I'm glad you made her female. It lends something to this particular story--maybe I just expect most stalkers to be male.
In the beginning, since there is going to be some confusion with the You and I stuff, I'd strive to make everything else as clear as possible. There was a point there where I wasn't sure who was being stalked--Brendan or Elijah. I'd go back and make sure that the introductions of these characters to the readers are very distinct and recognizable. Maybe give us some visual descriptions of them so they're easier to recognize.
I like how you explain the hunting knife in the end. Excellent work introducing an object and then let us know what happened later. Perectly executed in my opinion.
As much as I'd like to know more about it, the stuff during the time travel actually distracts from the main thrust of your story. The woman in space is the square peg in the round hole of this story, hammered in to fulfill the challenge requirements. This should be revised out, or made more prominent so that it actually has direct bearing on the story you're trying to tell.
I enjoyed your story, and I hope these comments are helpful for any future revisions.
Thanks for the review. I thought about adding in journal entry headings for the "I" portion of the story, maybe that would help separate the two sections. I also see a need to expound on Brendan a little more. As far as the woman in space, i suppose i should get rid of her. She was an idea before i entered this contest. It was supposed to be good and evil left over after the world was destroyed. But yes, i can see how she doesn't really have any bearing on the story. The black void would suffice without her.
SPOILER
I don't know how obvious it is but when the protagonist cuts the tendril off of the void in space and it comes back with her and dissolves into the ground, that's what devours the world and grows and becomes the void at the end. So the protagonist destroyed the world by bringing the tendril back and the void basically "created" itself that way and grew larger and larger from inside the earth, only to destroy it. It doesn't exactly make sense but time travel stories rarely do.