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The Urge's Malevolent Design (Third/Final/Official)*
How It Rates
Description
A hunter from the bayous of the South seeks revenge for the sex abuse crimes against his recently deceased wife. Also a pyromaniac, his wife's death allows him to lash out, as he embarks on a journey to certain self-discovery, and unthinkable confrontations leading to terrifying places.
*Includes a tighter, slightly alternate ending that I feel is a nice balance between staying true to the story, and being more accessible to readers who found the previous ending or imagery too disturbing.
Since there's still time and multiple submissions allowed, and aside from not getting many comments or reads, I thought I’d give this another go now that it sees a finer execution to my previously submitted enry.
I owe a great deal of thanks to sean of the dead, by the way, who helped me to take a step back and gain perspective on something that I was too close to.
Which always makes for the best possible approach.
Competition requirements are met: my story is a Horror story, features an original creature of my own creation, has 3 deaths, and takes place where I grew up, which is Terrebonne Parish in Louisiana, consiting of Bayou du Large, Bayou du Lac, Bayou Chauvin, and the city of Houma.
I also see that a lot of new stories have come in, so I'll be checking those out this weekend and getting some feedback out there. Looking forward to it.
Comments
And there you go! There are a lot of parts that I'd comment on as far as improvements that you've made, but you already know them. Obviously, this isn't a critique or review of any kind, as I've already babbled enough.
Nice work Nathan!
Sentences I liked:
I approach the heavy purple drapes that hide her room from the outside world. Cuffed, the flame from my Chrome Brush Zippo comforts my fingertips, for revenge is not a dish best served cold. Revenge is best served with burning passion.
She’ll cough up blood, and after the blood, her entire stomach.
The doorframe flares with blue fury, and I can no longer smell the stink of this room; it’s undone by the heavenly bliss of burning wood.
Coming into full view, he’s no longer on fire, but black and bright pink like a man made of tar and chewing gum, his skin tissue steaming and weltering with boils.
“May God save you before you burn in hell.” I press the Glock into the flap, and blow a hole through her heart.
This is really dark. The beginning was a bit jarring but I like that it just jumps right into the story. One logistical question I have is wouldn't people notice her parents house burning down? The fire demons were a cool surprise. Very well written.
Hi Nathan! I'm glad I ran into you and your story while perusing this list... I dind't have much time till now to see who submitted what.
What a disturbing, original story! Flame creatures, the knowledge that the narrator gains at the end, that's all written in a captivating way and with a quite unexpected ending! You are great at exploring the dark side of human nature!
The only little issue I have is that the monsters seem to talk too much - maybe some of their insights could be shortened. But you have great dialogue and characters, and as I said, very unique story!
Liana