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Daniel W Broallt's picture

Passport to Fun (formerly Krawkatow Baendeen)

By Daniel W Broallt in Scare Us

How It Rates

Once you have read this story, please make sure you rate it by clicking the thumbs above. Then take a few minutes to give the author a helpful critique! We're all here for fun but let's try to help each other too.

Description

A young substitute teacher wants desperately to quit living at his parent's house, but something supernatural seems to be keeping him trapped there. How far will he go to escape?

 

[edit: so I like this story. After some revisions, I hope to submit it for publication and want to make sure that if I am lucky enough to get interest in it, not even the workshop version of it is available for free anywhere. I've replaced it with an activity I made for my work that you can feel free to use without permission. Lots of love, Wil]

Comments

Ian's picture
Ian from Texas is reading Low Down Death Right Easy by J. David Osborne July 25, 2012 - 8:44pm

This is really good. There's some very good writing here. I'll confess I found the ending a bit fuzzy, but by that same token, it's still rattling around in my head. That's always a sign of good a story. Great pacing. And using the "Most every minute. Of most every day." device gave the story a sort of ominous presence on at least two levels. I really enjoyed reading that. Well done. 

Daniel W Broallt's picture
Daniel W Broallt from Texas is reading The Emerald Mile July 27, 2012 - 10:12pm

Thanks for the  helpful comments, Ian! I played around with it a bit and I think the ending is much more satisfying now! 

Ian's picture
Ian from Texas is reading Low Down Death Right Easy by J. David Osborne July 30, 2012 - 2:11pm

What a devastating final line... Really strong.

Daniel W Broallt's picture
Daniel W Broallt from Texas is reading The Emerald Mile July 30, 2012 - 5:53pm

Thanks, Ian!

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Look to Windward by Iain M. Banks July 26, 2012 - 7:59pm

This is a wonderful story. I love how the beginning thrusts the reader right into the action. The characters are very interesting and convincing. And what Ian said about the " most every minute" device.

Daniel W Broallt's picture
Daniel W Broallt from Texas is reading The Emerald Mile July 31, 2012 - 8:13am

Thanks Jane! It's good to know the characters are both interesting and convincing. One of my 'themes' when I attempt horror is 'behold the monster, oh hey, it's me,' which I worry can result in  repelling the reader with an unsympathetic hero. So, it's very helpful to know that you found the characters in my piece realistic and worthy of watching!