Great story, great profane narrative voice. I dug the aggression of this piece. Not sure how I felt about the headers "The Riots" and "After The Riots," like I knew where I was and didn't need the map or pause or something? Personal preference maybe. But, yeah, the voice here certainly demanded to be read. To be honest, I'm on board as soon as any narrator calls the reader a "motherfucker" though, and you did this on page one. Not to mention the glut of "motherfuckers" throughout the entire story. Hell, you could have called it "The Ralph's on Third and Motherfucker."

So I guess what I'm saying here is you had me at motherfucker. - Jerry Maguire 2

Hi Alec,

Thanks for posting this. It's haunting and authentic, shot through with authoritative detail and honest melancholy. I liked how the Vietnam backstory felt offhand until the climax, then became the core in the end.

After reading, I was sad and wanted fried chicken. Comfort food.

Well done and, like the others have said, great voice.
Cheers!

Really enjoyed this story.

You had a great voice through out the piece, and what I liked most was that even though this was technically someone remembering a past even, it never felt like you were just telling us about it. Great use of description, setting, and dialogue that made it really easy to fall right into the story and go along for the ride.

I really don't have a lot of things to point out. I thought the writing was good and sharp, and the structure worked for me. The only thing I am iffy about is the After the Riots section. It feels slightly out of place, like it belongs in a different story. I thought the ending you had in the Riots section was pitch perfect, so I was actually surprised, and a bit dissapointed to see you continue it and see Charlie alive. I like the idea of showing that life goes on, even after what seems to be such a big, desctructive event, but I'm not sure the scene you have right now ties it all in.

But other than that, a really strong piece.

Love the narrator's voice. It felt authentic and the authenticity didn't falter once, nicely done. The story was heartbreaking and you focused on the right things (the routine of the protagonist and his friends, the ways to make money, the limited kindness of local business owners). I would maybe make the trio of frat boys less one-dimensional villians by making them more cowardly little boys playing at a big man's game, but considering the heinousness of their crime, full-on evil might be the way to go. And the cop seemed a bit on the nose, but those are minor, minor criticisms. This was an awesome, powerfully effective story. Good job. And I love the title. 

Fucking awesome story. Really well established voice, believed it every second, socially conscious of homelessness/racism/classism without beating readers over the head with it: it felt very real. And a very nice literary takedown of frat-boys. Easily one of my top three I've read so far, if not the absolute favourite. Best thing about it I'd say was the structure; tight and well crafted scenes where we get to know the characters. I'm ambivalent about the very last section--it was nice to see it wrapped up in a poignant memory but maybe the story would have been more raw ending at the second section -- either way it depends what you want to get out of readers. Genuinely struggling to think of much else in terms of criticism--you did a great job. Thanks for a great read

Tom

Great read.

The disjointed nature of the storytelling, the fragments and choppy action, added confusion to the narrator's voice, but also gave it an eery distrance.

Thanks!

Such a great read. I'll join nearly everyone in saying your tone and voice were outstanding. I always try to be aware of over using profanity just for the sake of sounding gritty or to fill space.You successfully pulled off effectiveness without excessiveness. I didn't know who the protagonist was or what "The Ralph's" was until you wanted to reveal it. I thought that was a really cool way of telling the story. I have nothing in the way of advice or gripes at all. Great read.

There's a reason this one is sitting at the top of the heap.  Well done.  Everyone has the small nitpicks covered.  Thanks for sharing and best of luck.

Alec,

This an excellent story; tightly written, well structured, and with a compelling narrative voice that propels everything extremely well. 

I'm going to echo the sentiments of Adam and Hector, the only element that I felt needed more attention was the ending. I enjoyed the reflective nature of the "After The Riots" section and the haunted feel of narrator recalling a better time after the horror of witnessing Charile's death. His guilt was subtly infused in that section but the end comes so abruptly that the connection to karma and events you depict almost get lost. If anything further connecting the idea of karma, in all of it's forms and the way it's haunted not just Charlie, but especially the narrator will drive home your story and break some hearts. 

Good luck with this story. It's fantastic, I look forward to seeing in print. 

Tim 

The story flows, great job of showing us a world rarley spoken about rarley memorialized.  I though UCLA kids were the A Holes!

Returning the favor here Alec, great piece. Lotta cool idioms gives authenticity. 

I was a beach bum in Venice (later San Diego) around '96-'97. Always dreamed I'd get scooped up by rich ladies. Ha!