Matt Attack
from Richmond, Va. is reading As I Lay Dying, William FaulknerMarch 12, 2012 - 11:30am
I'd really hate to waste this prompt too....it's a good un.
avery of the dead
from Kentucky is reading Cipher SistersMarch 12, 2012 - 11:30am
I need you all to conform to my neat little preconceived notions or it all falls apart.
Matt Attack
from Richmond, Va. is reading As I Lay Dying, William FaulknerMarch 12, 2012 - 11:32am
FML I bumped it. Never fear, I will copy and paste everything previous that way there are no excuses......or escape. LET THERE BE BLOOD.
Liana----Count Eggplant, I challenge thee! (that means you gotta write a story to compete with me, if you're not following the happenings). You in?
Matt Attack
I think you have to do it in Beyondthunderdoom. Also, I have a feelings his is just going to be 2500 words of "Chuck" but let's see if he actually has chops or he is just some bull shit troll.
Matt Attack Link <--- I'll cover your prompt if by some miracle he accepts
Utah
This shit is getting real.
averydoll
Good grief. It is not.
Humanizing the troll? I'm against it.
Utah
Don't let her put you in a box, Egmont!
Matt Attack
from Richmond, Va. is reading As I Lay Dying, William FaulknerMarch 12, 2012 - 11:33am
little preconceived notions"
Ain't that the damn truth. lol
Moderator
Utah
from Fort Worth, TX is reading Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtryMarch 12, 2012 - 11:33am
Count of Egmont is a genius, and you need to wrap your preconceived notions around that.
avery of the dead
from Kentucky is reading Cipher SistersMarch 12, 2012 - 11:34am
When you quote me, my voice sounds different in my head than it normally does.
avery of the dead
from Kentucky is reading Cipher SistersMarch 12, 2012 - 11:35am
@Utah - I'll wrap my notions around what I please and nothing else! You don't tell me what to wrap my notions around.
Moderator
Utah
from Fort Worth, TX is reading Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtryMarch 12, 2012 - 11:35am
Does it sound all squeaky, or more like if you were on steroids and really into working out?
Matt Attack
from Richmond, Va. is reading As I Lay Dying, William FaulknerMarch 12, 2012 - 11:35am
@AD Happens to all of us.
Count of Egmont is a genius, and you need to wrap your preconceived notions around that."
Andy Kaufman level genius.
avery of the dead
from Kentucky is reading Cipher SistersMarch 12, 2012 - 11:35am
More like shrill.
Moderator
Utah
from Fort Worth, TX is reading Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtryMarch 12, 2012 - 11:36am
I'll wrap my notions around what I please and nothing else! You don't tell me what to wrap my notions around.
Ah. Somebody told you you're a princess, didn't they?
avery of the dead
from Kentucky is reading Cipher SistersMarch 12, 2012 - 11:38am
"Somebody told you you're a princess, didn't they?"
I feel like you are disagreeing with that. But surely not.
Matt Attack
from Richmond, Va. is reading As I Lay Dying, William FaulknerMarch 12, 2012 - 11:39am
I think I called her Queen of the Trolls once. Then she started sending sad puppy pictures and such....
avery of the dead
from Kentucky is reading Cipher SistersMarch 12, 2012 - 11:46am
Matt Attack
from Richmond, Va. is reading As I Lay Dying, William FaulknerMarch 12, 2012 - 11:47am
BWHAHAHAHAHAHA that's adorable.
Nikki Guerlain
from Portlandia
March 12, 2012 - 1:31pm
Just saying guys not that I don't love all your creepy ways and shiz but if count egmont goes then I go. Sorry got commitment issues and the guy is hilarious and so shrouded in mystery. I don't even think he's a troll since he actually contributes something I really do believe. Of course he has yet to write a pome about unicorns and corn pone but give him time give him time ...
The Count of Egmont
from cali is reading Damned by ChuckMarch 12, 2012 - 1:41pm
Nikki = cool.
Here are the first few paragraphs of my short story which I called "Vanity Press."
.............................................
Call me Agent Orange.
I want to talk about this watch I found.
It was a watch that I found on the road. Who the fuck uses a watch these days? If I want to know what time it is, I’ll look at my cell phone. Or just ask my twitter followers what time it is, and they’ll tell me the time.
I threw the watch at some chick who is walking in the KCMO Plaza and ran real fast away. Her boobs were small.
The rain falls. A boob job-sized drop of rain drops on my head.
Nikki Guerlain
from Portlandia
March 12, 2012 - 1:45pm
Pure genius. A boob job sized rain drop! Ha! Wtf is wrong with some of you peeps this guy is pure literary if not punk rock gold?!
Matt Attack
from Richmond, Va. is reading As I Lay Dying, William FaulknerMarch 12, 2012 - 1:47pm
I got to admit....it's not bad....it's a shame you wouldn't go head to head against Liana though and put it to a vote...
The Count of Egmont
from cali is reading Damned by ChuckMarch 12, 2012 - 1:50pm
Here is the first couple pages of my book American Control.
Enjoy.
...........
I’m the kind of guy who has got no problem reading Playboy, Maxim, Hustler, Penthouse, or Chuck Palahniuk on an airplane.
The last time I was on an airplane, this chick with rock hard 34C’s sits next to me. She asks me what I’m reading and I say that I’m reading Chuck and I show her the Chuck. She says, aren’t you kinda old to be reading that? Bitch. I say, well what are you reading, and she shows me this book by some spazzy nerd named Kierkegaard.
I ask her what she is and she says that shes in a doctoral program. I say, so like you wanna become a doctor? A doctor of philosophy, she says. I don’t know what the fuck that is supposed to mean. She’s prolly a fake doctor and shit.
I ask her for her number and she looks kind of nervous and says that she doesn’t have a phone. But when we deplane, I see her take out her cell phone. Fucking bitch.
When I get off the plane, I go to Barnes and Nobles in the KCMO Plaza and ask them if they got any Kierkegaard. The book chick shows me the “philosophy” section. I pick up a Kierkegaard book. Don’t know what the fuck this nerd is trying to say and so I throw the fucking book across the store and leave.
I’m gonna tell my facebook friends that I read Kierkegaard so that they think I’m smart. My Twitter followers. I’m gonna tweet about Kiekergaard. I take out my iphone and tweet that I’m reading Kierkegaard.
I walk down the KCMO road. I go into an Urban Outfitters.
Every traipse I make into the Urban Outfitters is usually met with the same two questions.
Where is the comic book’s?
Where is the videogame’s?
I ask this chick behind the counter wheres the comic book’s and wheres the videogame’s. She has pretty decent boobs (like 38D’s) but her nose is kinda long. She’s a butternose. She’s a real B squadder, for reals.
The 38D says, do you mean graphic novels? We have one of those…
I say, “Fuckin bitch you.” And then I walk out and go to my shitty job which is in the KCMO plaza where I am a cashier where I check out fat bitches groceries in this world where everybody is a toilet-paper using mammal, man, and ain’t it the fuckin truth.
The next day I wake up and I know that I got somethin special goin on.
I start to build leggoes.
I build a myspace.
And then I build a leggoe castle that looks like my parents house.
In one minute flat.
I call up my friend Danny on the phone and say, “Hi, Danny, this is your friend Brad.”
Danny says, “Hey, Brad, how are you man? This is Danny.”
I say, “I’m pretty good, Danny, hey, guess what? I can build leggoe castles in one minute flat.”
Danny says, “That’s pretty cool, Brad, let me come over.”
I say, “How long is it gonna take you to get to my bedroom?”
Danny says, “It’ll take me five minutes.”
I say, “OK, Danny, well, I guess I’ll see you in five minutes.”
Danny says, “OK, Brad, I’ll see you then. Bye.”
I say, “Bye, Danny. I’ll see you in my bedroom in five minutes. Bye.”
Danny says, “Bye” and then he hangs up the phone.
When Danny comes to my bedroom, we play this game where we both dress up in white wedding gowns and make out but we’re not gay or anything.
After we kiss, I show Danny how I build leggoe castles. And then Danny has a great idea. He says that I should build leggoe bridge.
So over the next two days I build leggoe bridge that goes from KCMO to Berlin, which is in Germany.
Then leggoe bridge goes to Italy City, which is in Italy, and to Paris, which is in France.
Some of those people in France call me a “leggocentrist.”
I am now the Gengis Kan of leggoes, the Chuck Manson of leggoes. I am Captain Cool.
I am a legend.
.
March 12, 2012 - 1:57pm
Well, it's better than Twilight.
LBL attached.
Nikki Guerlain
from Portlandia
March 12, 2012 - 2:12pm
I would so buy that book egmont and I'd send it to all my friends for Christmas and probably subject way too many people to your ill ways. The stunted and staggered rhythm of your prose rocks and your purposeful use of incorrect grammar is hilarious and I bet bends all sorts of people out of shape.
The Count of Egmont
from cali is reading Damned by ChuckMarch 12, 2012 - 2:37pm
Thank you Nikki. You are hot.
i am going away from Litreactor now. Maybe someday ill come back and say hi. Good by everybody! Keep on writing your lit!
Nikki Guerlain
from Portlandia
March 12, 2012 - 2:51pm
Bye egmont! Let me buy you a drink next time you are in town. Thx for everything!
Dave
from a city near you is reading constantlyMarch 12, 2012 - 2:51pm
.
March 12, 2012 - 3:07pm
I'm actually a little sad he's leaving.
Nikki Guerlain
from Portlandia
March 12, 2012 - 3:18pm
Me too. He's a master of his art form- high burlesque. Although i bet he's pretty good at the low kind too. Very Victorian humor.
jyh
from VA is reading whatever he feels likeMarch 12, 2012 - 3:10pm
It's clearly a conspiracy. Or an auto-spiracy (or whatever real word means the same thing.)
Dave
from a city near you is reading constantlyMarch 12, 2012 - 3:14pm
I'm not authorized to access that page.
.
March 12, 2012 - 3:14pm
Egmont + Keith Writer = Dr. Suglia.
Liana
from Romania and Texas is reading Naked LunchMarch 12, 2012 - 3:17pm
Wait, where'd he go? What am I competing against then? Eggo, are you still around?
Matt Attack
from Richmond, Va. is reading As I Lay Dying, William FaulknerMarch 12, 2012 - 3:24pm
He backed out. I mean it was lost in the myriad of posts...but it's there.
Nikki Guerlain
from Portlandia
March 12, 2012 - 3:28pm
It's probably for the best because I would've totally voted for his stories. Maybe even against myself.
Flaminia Ferina
from Umbria is reading stuffMarch 12, 2012 - 3:47pm
“Hi, Danny, this is your friend Brad.”
Danny says, “Hey, Brad, how are you man? This is Danny.”
Awesome bit of dialogue, Monte. Too bad you're becoming mainstream, so I don't like you anymore. Watch out Conte Monte, you're slowly selling out. Let's split the dough at least.
Liana
from Romania and Texas is reading Naked LunchMarch 12, 2012 - 5:12pm
Nikki, I would have voted for him too! Ah too bad. But it's good cause I can concentrate on WAR!
The Count of Egmont
from cali is reading Damned by ChuckMarch 12, 2012 - 5:16pm
One last pome before i go.
BOOBS N BOOKS POME
by The Count of Egmont
boobs n books
books n boobs
my fave things to touch
boobs n books
books n boobs
i don't like to read books
but i like to touch books
but not as much
as i like to touch the boobs
a boob is like a book
a book is like a boob
the spine is the side boob of a book
FIN
Nikki Guerlain
from Portlandia
March 12, 2012 - 5:35pm
Pure gold egmont. Love the sideboob bit. Epic. Like you know when you've got like a girl all spread eagle and her boobs are falling into her armpits and shiz? Books are like that. The glorious sideboob of the writer's soul. What they've spilled into their armpit while their muse fondled them. We must fondle but not read too much into the writers sideboob. They be best left to fondle than scrutinize.
.
March 12, 2012 - 5:51pm
For real though. Touching the spine of a book is like accidently rubbing against a chick's rack in an elevator and they don't mind.
I'd really hate to waste this prompt too....it's a good un.
I need you all to conform to my neat little preconceived notions or it all falls apart.
FML I bumped it. Never fear, I will copy and paste everything previous that way there are no excuses......or escape. LET THERE BE BLOOD.
Liana----Count Eggplant, I challenge thee! (that means you gotta write a story to compete with me, if you're not following the happenings). You in?
Matt Attack
I think you have to do it in Beyondthunderdoom. Also, I have a feelings his is just going to be 2500 words of "Chuck" but let's see if he actually has chops or he is just some bull shit troll.
Matt Attack
Link <--- I'll cover your prompt if by some miracle he accepts
Utah
This shit is getting real.
averydoll
Good grief. It is not.
Humanizing the troll? I'm against it.
Utah
Don't let her put you in a box, Egmont!
Ain't that the damn truth. lol
Count of Egmont is a genius, and you need to wrap your preconceived notions around that.
When you quote me, my voice sounds different in my head than it normally does.
@Utah - I'll wrap my notions around what I please and nothing else! You don't tell me what to wrap my notions around.
Does it sound all squeaky, or more like if you were on steroids and really into working out?
@AD Happens to all of us.
Andy Kaufman level genius.
More like shrill.
Ah. Somebody told you you're a princess, didn't they?
"Somebody told you you're a princess, didn't they?"
I feel like you are disagreeing with that. But surely not.
I think I called her Queen of the Trolls once. Then she started sending sad puppy pictures and such....
BWHAHAHAHAHAHA that's adorable.
Just saying guys not that I don't love all your creepy ways and shiz but if count egmont goes then I go. Sorry got commitment issues and the guy is hilarious and so shrouded in mystery. I don't even think he's a troll since he actually contributes something I really do believe. Of course he has yet to write a pome about unicorns and corn pone but give him time give him time ...
Nikki = cool.
Here are the first few paragraphs of my short story which I called "Vanity Press."
.............................................
Call me Agent Orange.
I want to talk about this watch I found.
It was a watch that I found on the road. Who the fuck uses a watch these days? If I want to know what time it is, I’ll look at my cell phone. Or just ask my twitter followers what time it is, and they’ll tell me the time.
I threw the watch at some chick who is walking in the KCMO Plaza and ran real fast away. Her boobs were small.
The rain falls. A boob job-sized drop of rain drops on my head.
Pure genius. A boob job sized rain drop! Ha! Wtf is wrong with some of you peeps this guy is pure literary if not punk rock gold?!
I got to admit....it's not bad....it's a shame you wouldn't go head to head against Liana though and put it to a vote...
Here is the first couple pages of my book American Control.
Enjoy.
...........
I’m the kind of guy who has got no problem reading Playboy, Maxim, Hustler, Penthouse, or Chuck Palahniuk on an airplane.
The last time I was on an airplane, this chick with rock hard 34C’s sits next to me. She asks me what I’m reading and I say that I’m reading Chuck and I show her the Chuck. She says, aren’t you kinda old to be reading that? Bitch. I say, well what are you reading, and she shows me this book by some spazzy nerd named Kierkegaard.
I ask her what she is and she says that shes in a doctoral program. I say, so like you wanna become a doctor? A doctor of philosophy, she says. I don’t know what the fuck that is supposed to mean. She’s prolly a fake doctor and shit.
I ask her for her number and she looks kind of nervous and says that she doesn’t have a phone. But when we deplane, I see her take out her cell phone. Fucking bitch.
When I get off the plane, I go to Barnes and Nobles in the KCMO Plaza and ask them if they got any Kierkegaard. The book chick shows me the “philosophy” section. I pick up a Kierkegaard book. Don’t know what the fuck this nerd is trying to say and so I throw the fucking book across the store and leave.
I’m gonna tell my facebook friends that I read Kierkegaard so that they think I’m smart. My Twitter followers. I’m gonna tweet about Kiekergaard. I take out my iphone and tweet that I’m reading Kierkegaard.
I walk down the KCMO road. I go into an Urban Outfitters.
Every traipse I make into the Urban Outfitters is usually met with the same two questions.
Where is the comic book’s?
Where is the videogame’s?
I ask this chick behind the counter wheres the comic book’s and wheres the videogame’s. She has pretty decent boobs (like 38D’s) but her nose is kinda long. She’s a butternose. She’s a real B squadder, for reals.
The 38D says, do you mean graphic novels? We have one of those…
I say, “Fuckin bitch you.” And then I walk out and go to my shitty job which is in the KCMO plaza where I am a cashier where I check out fat bitches groceries in this world where everybody is a toilet-paper using mammal, man, and ain’t it the fuckin truth.
The next day I wake up and I know that I got somethin special goin on.
I start to build leggoes.
I build a myspace.
And then I build a leggoe castle that looks like my parents house.
In one minute flat.
I call up my friend Danny on the phone and say, “Hi, Danny, this is your friend Brad.”
Danny says, “Hey, Brad, how are you man? This is Danny.”
I say, “I’m pretty good, Danny, hey, guess what? I can build leggoe castles in one minute flat.”
Danny says, “That’s pretty cool, Brad, let me come over.”
I say, “How long is it gonna take you to get to my bedroom?”
Danny says, “It’ll take me five minutes.”
I say, “OK, Danny, well, I guess I’ll see you in five minutes.”
Danny says, “OK, Brad, I’ll see you then. Bye.”
I say, “Bye, Danny. I’ll see you in my bedroom in five minutes. Bye.”
Danny says, “Bye” and then he hangs up the phone.
When Danny comes to my bedroom, we play this game where we both dress up in white wedding gowns and make out but we’re not gay or anything.
After we kiss, I show Danny how I build leggoe castles. And then Danny has a great idea. He says that I should build leggoe bridge.
So over the next two days I build leggoe bridge that goes from KCMO to Berlin, which is in Germany.
Then leggoe bridge goes to Italy City, which is in Italy, and to Paris, which is in France.
Some of those people in France call me a “leggocentrist.”
I am now the Gengis Kan of leggoes, the Chuck Manson of leggoes. I am Captain Cool.
I am a legend.
Well, it's better than Twilight.
LBL attached.
I would so buy that book egmont and I'd send it to all my friends for Christmas and probably subject way too many people to your ill ways. The stunted and staggered rhythm of your prose rocks and your purposeful use of incorrect grammar is hilarious and I bet bends all sorts of people out of shape.
Thank you Nikki. You are hot.
i am going away from Litreactor now. Maybe someday ill come back and say hi. Good by everybody! Keep on writing your lit!
Bye egmont! Let me buy you a drink next time you are in town. Thx for everything!
I'm actually a little sad he's leaving.
Me too. He's a master of his art form- high burlesque. Although i bet he's pretty good at the low kind too. Very Victorian humor.
Egmont = Keith Writer
It's clearly a conspiracy. Or an auto-spiracy (or whatever real word means the same thing.)
I'm not authorized to access that page.
Egmont + Keith Writer = Dr. Suglia.
Wait, where'd he go? What am I competing against then? Eggo, are you still around?
He backed out. I mean it was lost in the myriad of posts...but it's there.
It's probably for the best because I would've totally voted for his stories. Maybe even against myself.
Awesome bit of dialogue, Monte. Too bad you're becoming mainstream, so I don't like you anymore. Watch out Conte Monte, you're slowly selling out. Let's split the dough at least.
Nikki, I would have voted for him too! Ah too bad. But it's good cause I can concentrate on WAR!
One last pome before i go.
BOOBS N BOOKS POME
by The Count of Egmont
boobs n books
books n boobs
my fave things to touch
boobs n books
books n boobs
i don't like to read books
but i like to touch books
but not as much
as i like to touch the boobs
a boob is like a book
a book is like a boob
the spine is the side boob of a book
FIN
Pure gold egmont. Love the sideboob bit. Epic. Like you know when you've got like a girl all spread eagle and her boobs are falling into her armpits and shiz? Books are like that. The glorious sideboob of the writer's soul. What they've spilled into their armpit while their muse fondled them. We must fondle but not read too much into the writers sideboob. They be best left to fondle than scrutinize.
For real though. Touching the spine of a book is like accidently rubbing against a chick's rack in an elevator and they don't mind.