Writing : The sincere guide to be a writer.

The sincere guide to be a writer.

An apology should be prefaced before we go into the rules that follow. This guide will not make you a good writer. Good writers are all over the place. They are usually popular and write trite. They are horrible people filled with self-loathing and inflated ego. They should be avoided at all costs, and their writing advice is to be especially ignored and ridiculed.

Some may say that their favorite writer is a good writer - this may be true, as a few have squeaked by the established publishers and written intelligently and with great grit. Those are few and far between and I would suggest that your favorite writer is probably a hack that you just don't recognize. Treat him as such. Do not favor him, do not approach him, and at all costs, do not feed him. He is a monster.

Writing advice #1

Never take writing advice from anyone you don't know.

Writing advice #2

Never take writing advice from anyone you know.

These two first pieces of advice are connected in a very obvious way. First of all, it suggests that writing advice is something that can be passed down from generation to generation. It, in most cases, cannot. There are exceptions to this rule, of course, but in general, don't listen to people who think they know what they are talking about: They don't. Nobody worth listening to talks. They keep silent.

If a man comes over to fix your heater, and you say to him, "That looked easy, how do I do that?"

The man is going to say, "If I told you that, I would be out of a job."

Writers are even worse. They will lie to you about how to be a writer to make sure you don't succeed. They are vicious backbiting pricks. Don't trust a pretty artist or a successful writer. EVER.

Writing advice #3

If, for some god forsaken reason, you do take writing advice, make sure you don't do it from english teachers. If they knew how to write, they would be writers. They are teachers. Even the few that have a published work of short fiction or an 'under-appreciated' novel, are a bunch of self-serving cunts. They can't write or teach effective writing. They are impostures trying to make a few bucks off a degree. You might as well learn writing from philosophy teachers - and you'd probably get better lessons out of them.

Writing advice #4

Just because you think yourself an 'artist' does not give you 'artistic license'. That shit is reserved for people who get paid big bucks. Using your punctuation and end stops incorrectly does not make you look like a master - it makes you an amateur. Stop it. You are just making the rest of the world look stupid. You are making your parents look stupid. You look stupid. Nobody likes you. Especially me.

Writing advice #5

Do drugs. Don't do them recreationally. Nobody learned anything from 'playing with drugs'. Get really involved. Join a subculture. Get in a knife-fight for the last bit of crank that maybe fell on the floor and maybe might just be a bit of kitty litter. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Get brain damaged. Fuck a stranger and worry about venereal disease for years. Don't be straight. Sucking cock for cocaine doesn't make you a homosexual, but it doesn't help.

In related advice, don't go to rehab. Rehab is for, and always has been for quitters. You're more likely to kill yourself if you go to rehab. I'm all for you killing yourself, because who needs a bunch of drugged up writer-want-to-be's running around, but if you're going to kick drugs - do it like a champ. Burn yourself with cigarettes when you want drugs, kick puppies for fun, hate yourself immensely. These are the keys to becoming a writer.

Writing advice #6

Leave your fucking parents alone. They didn't do anything to deserve your fucking antics. Lie, lie, lie. Tell them how great you are doing. Fiction needs practiced, and this is a great place to practice. Make your life sound great. Don't borrow money, don't steal their jewelry, don't bother them at all. Leave your parents the fuck alone. You're already enough of a fuck up without dragging them down, too.

Writing advice #7

Drop out and join the army. They will soon tire of your fucking retarded ass and give you a discharge. You'll meet people that matter, there. Also, spend a lot of time at truck stops. Try out being a lot lizard. It will help pay for the drugs and give you a new appreciation for the things a person will do when lonely.

Writing advice #8

Take up all that lot lizard, drug, and borrowed money and rent a hotel for two weeks. You are not allowed to leave that fucking hotel. Get a typewriter or word processor with no access to the internet. Write down everything. Lie about nothing (no one is going to believe you anyway). Lay open your sold soul, and let the chips fall where they may. You are a horrible waste of a person and deserve to die - get that on paper. Consider it a suicide note (as all godly fiction should be) and, when you're done, if you're too scared to pull the trigger - tada - you've written a novel.

Now go fuck off.

Never be afraid to make addendums (even if you can't spell them).

Writing advice #5

If you take uppers, then go do something very unproductive. Dig a hole, fill it back up. Do this over and over again until the drugs wear off. Accomplish nothing! Do sit-ups and push-ups until you feel your heart burst. At worst, you'll be phyically fit, at best, you'll be dead. Win/win as far as anyone in the world is concerned.

If you're on downers or painkillers, it is time to take up yoga. Stretch those muscles until they almost snap, or maybe do snap. That makes for great writing. There's a story about a girl who accidentally cuts open her asshole while trying to shave it. It won awards in Germany. There's nothing you can do to your body that is going to be so gruesome and awful that people won't pay to read about it. Now's your chance.

NEVER admit to doing drugs. That's just the easy way out. The life of a fiction writer is one filled with lies. Lie your ass off (or, like the girl in germany, your asshole off).

And always remember, the key here is not to be a successful writer, but to be a good writer. And good writing takes suffering. So suffer.