If this has already been done before I apologize now. Either way, let's have some fun.
Pick two authors, any authors, and put them in a deathmatch. Who would win and why?
I'll start off super easy.
1. Chuck P.
2. Brett E.
I'd pick Bret. Chuck, while I love the guy, seems to nice. Bret seems like the type to break a champagne glass and go all Partrick Bateman on you.
Simple right? Have fun.
Yeah except didn't Palahniuk used to be ripped in his old author photos and Ellis has always been a bit of a fatty?
^ True. But I still think Bret takes it. Hand to hand, probably Chuck. But I wouldn't put it past Bret to use something sharp and use it in the neck area. Of course, he may just use a Habitrail tube and a rat. Who knows...
I can whip any sumbitch in the house!
I don't know. There are some ladies here that I think would give anyone a run for their money. I'd put my money on Stacy or Avery any day.
.
Palahniuk seems like he might secretly be a black belt.
Hard to say really, Chuck is lanky so he would probably move pretty fast. But Bret seems like he would be so coked up he wouldn't feel the pain. My money is on Bret.
And I have an unhealthy obsession with the man so that could also explain it.
Ellis has started taking Ambien and rambling about how much he hates everything that isn't by him every night on Twitter. It started right after he stopped talking about how much he wanted to direct 50 Shades of Gray and announced that he was unfollowing E.L. James. I think not being picked for the movie sent him into a spiraling depression and his "insomnia situation" (his words) is a direct result.
Sometimes, I like to imagine that I can analyze famous peoples' mental problems. But the point is that he apparently sank into an existential crisis, so Palahniuk would have a decent shot.
But the point is that he apparently sank into an existential crisis
- I don't know that he sank. I think he's been there the whole time. lol
I tend to fall in to Ellis's mind set, especially when it's so easy to stand on a soapbox like twitter and bitch about the existential angst. But most of the time I just read his books instead, trying to learn his language.
But most of the time I just read his books instead, trying to learn his language.
- That's about it...
I don't do Twitter, although I probably should. I hear it's a good platform for writers.
Neil Gaiman versus Haruki Murakami.
I'm not even going to speculate. I just wanted to throw that out there.
If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd have thought it wouldn't be possible for him to get more angsty. It's fucking weird.
I hear it's a good platform for writers.
Not to stray too far off topic, but I wish I could use Twitter professionally. There's something like seventy followers on my account. Everyone says it's so important to have a social media following and I'm already behind because I don't have a Facebook. I got my first Twitter when I was still in middle school; it started out as a second Facebook for me that didn't have my family involved. I used it whenever I was drunk or high and didn't want to explain it to my countless relatives. It's nearly Pavlovian now. Nothing I say is funny or meant to be taken even remotely serious.
I think Murakami would probably have some sort of secret ninja tactics to deflect Gaiman's Britishness.
Haruki Murakami vs. Ryu Murakami
I think we all know the outcome to that: someone's going to have some pretty chapped nipples.
Chuck, no debate.
Hemingway vs. anyone...
Moving on.
Hemingway vs.
anyone....Hemingway
fixed
^ Yes, yes, oh god yes.
Sorry, gotta go clean up now.
J.D. Salinger vs. Sylvia Plath
Crazy bitches be crazy, so I might lean toward Syl, but if they're anywhere near a stove, Salinger wins by default.
Hemingway vs.
anyone.... Hemingway
Saw that play out already. Gun wins.
Yeah... I thought that was implied by the... umm... By the lack of me saying anything about it?
Sylvia Plath vs. Anne Sexton. Virginia Woolf vs. John Berryman.
I'm doing it wrong again, aren't I?
Jackson Pollock vs. Vincent Van Gogh
Lewis vs. Tolkien
Francis vs. Zelda
Ketchum vs. King
Thompson vs. Ellroy
Hubbard vs. Rand
Hammett vs. Cain
Meyer vs. James
Christie vs. Rowling
I could go on...
Are you really trying to compare a genius like Ayn Rand with a complete nutjob whackadoo like L.Ron Hubbard???
As far as fights go, Tolkein would certainly eviscerate C.S. Lewis. Their writing is both glorious, but Tolkein has been in the trenches like few other writers have.
Crazy always wins so Sylvia and Ryu in their respective battles
Anais Nin versus Sylvia Plath, and tag in team mates Katherine Dunn and Unica Zurn and we have a "bitches be crazy" smack down.
Bukowski versus Kerouac Mmmm that's a good one
Will Self versus Tom McCarthy ~ this would be a very dignified fight
Ketchum and King are buddies, I couldn't see them fighting.
I'd love to see Salinger get his ass kicked by anyone. Not sure why, considering I really enjoyed Catcher in The Rye.
Cormac Mcarthy vs. James Joyce.
I have a feeling Cormac would let Joyce flip a coin to decide his fate.
Craig Davidson vs. poet Michael Knox. Oh, wait, they already did that in a sanctioned boxing match, and unfortunately Craig was on the losing end.
vs. 
Nikki Guerlain vs. Carlton Mellick III
Lord Byron vs Henry Miller
Alexander Pope vs Joan Didion
Tucker Max vs Snookie
E. L. James vs Hugh Hefner
Vonnegut vs. Sartre
Brandon Tietz vs. Richard Thomas
I go with Tietz on this one. My general impression is that Richard is a bit bigger, but I've never seen anyone describe him as "a family of badgers in a skin-suit". I have heard that about Tietz. I think several badgers could probably gnaw Richard down to a manageable size.
Oh, have you opened a can o worms with this one. . .
Richard would bring a shiv, but then get disarmed by a pack of she-beasts that Brandon trained. Though, Brandon would have trouble connecting punches because of limited visibilty through sunglasses. Richard would then try to garotte him with a string of anal beads he got from a Chuck Palahniuk reading. Finally, Brandon would unleash his secret weapon: a silver tongue, while Richard defended himself with a stack of publications, pages flying as both men brawled in a tornado cloud of stripper's blood and Hai Karate. Winner takes the other's kidney.
Brandon would attempt to defeat Richard by licking him?
Possibly. Maybe he's a cunning linguist, who knows. But I meant "silver tongued" as in having a manipulative or persuasive way with words.
"Brandon would have trouble connecting punches because of limited visibilty through sunglasses."
That made me laugh.
I approve of this when it's people I "know". Then it's like making my dolls fight.
ah man, you guys are gonna get carlton all mad at me!!!
i've read some gaiman, a lot more of murakami - they both give me a lot of existentialist angst. but murakami more than gaiman, probably because i can instantly relate to most of his points of references, which are simpler, and everyday experience-based. and for this reason, i also get more insights as to why i do the things i do - things i cannot share with anyone else. this makes me understand a condition i'm going through is a more common human condition than i thought. so i love him for this - for making me feel a little less lonely in this world. and then i intuitively understand what i need to do next.
less so with neil... but i have to admit, i've only ever read his sandman graphic novels and then the delightful graveyard book. in the first set, i find myself neck-deep in greek/roman/western historical references which i sometimes have to wikipedia to fully understand. this stop-start approach is an interrupter.
writing style - definitely gaiman; most, if not all of murakami's work are translated - i think, correct me if i'm wrong - i don't know how much of the original writer's voice the translator has preserved.
entertainment, again gaiman.
breadth of imagination, again, gaiman. depth, probably both.
if they would match over existentialist angst, they would probably just deadlock. black wings enfolding each other, falling far far into an abyss of bottomless tears.
American Gods and his books of short stories don't have as much existential angst. I think. I'm not really sure what existential angst means.
existential angst is that horrible depressing feeling we get when we ask questions like, what's the meaning of life and why are we put here on earth, and the universe basically throws back experiences at us that seem to imply that none of this (life) means anything at all, and none of us matter. between the asking and the finding out a happier alternative solution, or the accepting of a hard truth, we get stuck at this angsty stage.
i shall check out american gods and more of his short stories :)
He wrote one about a bridge troll. His main character was pretty angsty that the bridge troll existed.
^yea i remember seeing that one on the shelves here.
he's really good w children's books.
what i wanna know is why is main character angsty over a bridge troll? shouldn't he just be really angry?
Nah. Bridge trolls by Gaiman are pretty scary.
