A sex scene? I want to write a sex scene with my lesbian characters without it coming off as either voyeuristic or trite. I want it to be romantic. Any advice?
chris baer described someone going down on someone as: (im probably not getting this perfect) "and he knelt down, and taking holy communion, went down on her." it gives you a great image and a cool, pretty poetic one, but it doesnt hit flowery, verbose, or what-have-you
there's a fantastic sex scene in dermaphoria, that's just about the opposite. it's long, and fetishy and fun to read, but it doesnt hit verbose, or flowery either. and all the absolutely sexual stuff is about teasing and anticipation, and little drops of water.
i know thats not that helpful, but those are two great examples. if you can track down dermaphoria, it's worth reading, and you'll hit that scene, and be blown away
It's something I'm thinking about at the moment. I've got a couple in my WIP. They're very graphic and I want to tone them down. If I leave them as they are, I'll be labelled a writer who relies on shock, which isn't the case at all. My first drafts are usually like this. I put everything into them and cut back during edits. I'll probably leave a couple of details in each and add in some internal things like how the girls differ from the ones that came before. No pun intended.
After reading a few sex scenes, I find the ones that work concentrate more on the senses rather than location of body parts (I read one that was almost a how-to manual, but the result was more like a naked game of Twister--hands, arms, and feet everywhere).
Also, try not to use cliches....
Throbbing member?
Pulsating shaft?
No thanks.
Try to use regional names that are of the time and fit your POV's sensibilities: Pork sword. Gash. Axe wound. Pink velvet sausage-wallet. Wizard's beard. Timid MC? Lady pocket/garden. Naughty bits.
You get the picture. O, and there's nothing wrong with penis/cock and pussy.
This is what I've been looking at over the last month. I've found both good and bad examples, and of course it will all depend on the context. Like you mentioned, romance--it all depends on the characters. What is romantic for one is not for another. Think about what they like, what gets them going. I've seen a lot of lesbian action. Streamed it. Fisting is not romantic, as far as I could tell. Romance is down to you and your characters to work out what they like.
Thanks you two! So...is this a good sex scene:
I hugged him and cried a little. He took my tear streaked face and kissed me again. Moments later, we were on the bed in the corner of the room. He let his shirt drop, and again we embraced. His hands went around my wrists and held them to my back like a sacrifice. I fumbled with his jeans until the button was free. Pressed my face into him, and heard his gasp. All sensibilities, all barriers: lost and forgotten. His body was so warm, so perfect, he was carved in marble. My lips around him; me nodding to my heartbeat, him petrified. I had no idea what I was doing, just following a dance many have done before me. Leaning back and him holding me tight. And back again. Licking it like an ice cream. His hand was in mine, as if we were dancing. His other hand around my hips. His thrusts and shudders faded into the background. There was just me, him and the snow falling outside. His hands running through my hair. His warmth inside my cold. It's as if I was watching us. I felt totally detached. The mindless, beautiful sear of him and me totally nulled by us. Us, together forevermore.
We sped up: my gasps were euthanised, and my heart felt like it was falling apart. We became more rhythmic, and the pain, oh the pain. But then- splashes. Cries, both of us collapsing on each other. Oscar saying “I love-” but I fell asleep. My eyes didn't open, fused closed by the cold outside.
it's nice, but it's almost entirely visual. In the first person especially, let the reader know how things felt, tasted, smelled... a lick, a breath, a dimple in the skin... what turns them on?
Hope this sterling example helps:
“Nice to meet you, Miss Lacey. What can I help you with? Do you perhaps need someone to teach you the art of loving?” He leaned in and flashed a smile. Lacey was aroused, and looked down from the rippling muscles of his body to the bulge in his trousers.
They had sex, and he tore all her clothes off easily. Her brassiere fell off and plopped on the floor, as Tarrigan frantically began to grope her breasts. She moaned and said “Oooh” as he did it, and felt how erotic the moment was. Her nipples were pointy like the top of chess pieces, but pink, and he did not play chess. Knowing the art of women, he began to lick her left elbow. She moaned again, and had four orgasms.
Now it was his turn, she took his “weapon” (penis) into her mouth like a marshmallow twizzle, and began to pleasure him. He grunted like a gorilla, and sexily began to slap the back of her head faster and faster. She had trouble, because his “penis” (weapon) was very long, and hard as a paperweight.
They threw her down and Tarrigan put himself into her lovely hole. Then he began to move, as if furiously using a water pump, and she moved with him. They rubbed their bodies against each other, and he smiled as her nipples tangled in his chest hair. Their lovemaking lasted four hours, and Tarrigan didn’t need to stop even for a moment, although Lacey did need a few breaks for a glass of lemon pop.
“You’re a wonderful lover,” said Lacey.
words like embraced and moments are words that (to me stick out to the reader) especially moments.
here is something to think about, there are words and phrases which undermine your authority as a writer.
maybe
possibly
probably
or something
moments
it's your story. own that fucker
now with embrace, i've had sex with people i was in love with, and people who just wanted to fuck me. if any of these people bothered to "embrace" me it would be different, physically, emotionally, psychologically... and they would all do that in different ways. different levels of both awkwardness and intimacy.
@Jack, that was very funny. Thanks!
@Sapple, awesome, I'll go rewrite it.
Have you read any Mark Roeder novels? He handles the sex scenes very well in his Gay Youth Chronicles. The sex scenes are passionate, emotional, and erotic without being trite of tawedry.
This is something I have put a good deal of thought into myself as well.
I don't know shit about this sex stuff. Not sure if I've been doing it right all along or what. But I guess sex is supposed to be about vulnerability, right? Or maybe power, on the flipside (note I've been watching a lot of SVU lately.) So why not address an emotional vulnerability, or an emotional struggle? Reveal something unexpected about a character while they're completely naked, compromise their authority. For me, reading the wordy sensations that are all kind of cookie cutter, I kind of gloss over those in books.
I wrote this sexy/religious thing at The Cult a couple weeks back that I kinda thought was okay to send out (but haven't yet,) the whole 1000ish words was basically a sex scene with no sex, all tease. That sort of thing works for my writing sensibilities.
As someone who knows how to write sex scenes, I have the following advice:
1. Every time you want to say "penis" you should say "massive hardon, impressively glabrous and shiny but not so wide that it hurts"...
2. The woman should be willing to submit to being described as "the guzzler of unborn"...
3. Just because I — I mean, uh, certain people — always have to cry after sex doesn't mean it has to happen in fiction...
4. Don't use dirty language when describing the vagina. Instead, say things like "her flowery flower"...
5. Be sure to mention how many times he thrusts his massive hardon, impressively glabrous and shiny but not so wide that it hurts into her...
6. Thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust
OH GOD YES
@Phil, should i do the opposite of what you said?
@Dave, thank, I'll go read it.
@Charles, you're awesome, have a cookie
are you being sarcastic?
Ah, yes, @Renfield, sex is always about Dominance and submission - sometimes it's a give and take, where the parties take turns being in charge, sometimes it's one partner surrendering all power to the other. Sometimes it's a tug of war, where both parties exert themselves, trying to dominate the other and end up in a trembling heap of musky sweat, hoarse from growling and gritting teeth, empty and full at the same time from pummeling their appetites onto their partner and being force-fed from their partner's geyser of lustful desire.
Damn... I gotta get some batteries, lol
Edit: think about it... who's going to "drive"?
I always try to focus on the way things feel, emotionally/physically. I try to take what has led up to the sex into consideration. Of course it depends on what you're writing. Sex can (and should) be shocking and graphic in some settings, but if you are going for romantic, I would focus less on what the characters are doing, and more on how it makes them feel--with shots of action to keep it moving.
With all arts, whatever you're comfortable with shines right through; whatever you're uncomfortable with, well, there's the hangup and it also blares right there. I think of Steven Spielberg. There, in the midst of a decent and deep thriller, Munich, there's a sex scene at the finale.
With shots of people being killed.
Awkward...at that point, I was so uncomfortable I realized, there has never been, and for good reason, a sex scene in any Spielberg movie. The dude just can't make one.
Here's a suggestion. Write a sex scene that turns you on. Do some research and find those clips and moments and reread them. Figure out what in those snippets is worthwhile. Then return to your work and, ah, well, hit it. See if that helps.
For me, if a sex scene is needed, I just, well, write it. Then, in editing I try to figure out what was going on. Was it a moment to show how two characters are connected? Was it an awkward teen moment? Sex scenes to just add something to story is like killing someone for no apparent reason-in other words, why are you showing this to the audience?
If that makes any sense. It's early and I've only had one cup of coffee so far.
Peace,
Rue
Successful writing so often confounds a reader's expectations.
For example:
His huge throbbing rock-hard vagina pulsed against her tiny tight prick...
Could make for a titillating scene. (Note how I used "titillate" for maximum impact). You're welcome.
Ah, a Buck Angel fan, eh
Don't write sex scenes. No need to compete with all the porn of the world. You can't really shock--but maybe titilate--someone under 50. Write about the aftermath. After all the mechanical process is something dogs do too. Most of the tension in fiction is dealing with the build up and then the consequences of the act. Dwell in those places.
^ Thats how I approach my sex scenes when I write them, though I don't completely discourage sex scenes in the act.
Examples of sex scenes are best found in erotica. There are plenty of them, some of them are actually good. But in a book where romance and sex isn't the primary focus (i.e., not!porn), I prefer not to actually see the act. The mechanics of sex gets boring as they're all pretty much the same after the third time writing it, and I've read/written a lot of them, both hetero- and homosexual. I'd rather spend time talking about the impact of said adult activity, physically and emotionally. Sex scene should ever be only inserted if absolutely necessary. In a romantic setting sensuality is very important as to not make it cheap, where as in a power play situation, the conflict and struggle, whether it's emotional or physical would be the interesting component.
But, if you really want an example of lesbian porn sex...here's a start of one...
She could see from the doorway Donna's near-naked form next to the bed as she entered the bedroom. Donna had stripped herself down to her underwear to change into something more comfortable. It was a breath-taking sight, seeing the soft yellow light from the table lamp radiate off the curves of her lover's body. Kara felt the need in her rise up and boil over. She moved silently behind her lover, wrapping her hands around Donna's waist, and pulled her back against her own body. She smiled at the small gasp that escaped Donna's lips.
Kara slid a hand down Donna's belly, stroking softly as her fingers ghosted the navel. She pressed her lips to her lover's shoulder, kissing the smooth, supple skin before nipping lightly.
Donna moaned at her touches. "What brought this on?"
"Nothin'." Kara's voice was muffled as she kissed the back of Donna's neck, where a small tattoo of a "K" lay. "Just missed you is all."
Kara slipped her hand into Donna's panties, fingers playing with the wiry hair, stroking gently. Donna whimpered at the sensation of her lover's fingers dancing over her clit, massaging it. She'd been craving this all week while she was away. "Kara..."
"Hmm?" Kara hummed.
"Want you."
"I know. Me too."
Kara pressed her lips to the small patch of skin behind Donna's left ear, watching Donna shiver as her hot, moist breath ghosted over the hot spot that hid there. She let her fingers slip further south, dipping into her lover's wet heat as her other hand moved up, cupping her lover's breast and gave a light squeeze. That soft, little sound emanating from the back of Donna's throat was like music to Kara's ears.
Hooking her fingers, Kara began to slide in and out of Donna slowly. Kara knew she'd hit the spot when Donna let out a small yelp, her body bucking against Kara's fingers...
(Flash written, I didn't check for grammar/spelling so please forgive mistakes here. I haven't written lesbian sex in awhile so I'm a bit rusty... Also, for homosexual sex scenes, beware of the personal pronouns...)
And remember Chuck's advice: When you don't know what to write, describe the inside of the character's mouth.
In this case, it might be very appropriate.
@bryan: ROFL... or what's inside the character's mouth ;)
I'm confused. You said lesbian sex scene and then wrote a sex scene with a guy. I like writing sex scenes, I think sex is an important part of stories. As I said in another thread, add some psychological component to the sex. What is the person thinking about, what does each moment mean to them, each touch and what memories does it evoke. Is one partner entirely engaged in the action of sex while the other person is engaged in the idea of sex? Is a man just penetrating a hole or does he love this woman? Does this woman love this man or is she just submitting to him? I'm reading Portia de la Rossi (aka Ellen Degeneres gf) bio right now and it's interesting the way she describes straight versus gay sex. When she was having sex with a man she felt like the life and youth was being drained out of her and stolen but when she has sex with women, she feels like she is young and beautiful, that was how she knew she was a lesbian. Which also begs the question: Is sex just penetration or the entire act of touching and arousal?
Straight guys tend to focus on a woman's tits and ass and the tightness of a pussy while women tend to describe a guy's eyes, muscles or how his cock feels inside them. Most straight guys are afraid to read gay sex scenes between men, it freaks them out. They can't understand the idea of a guy submitting to another guy that way or wanting another guy in that way so I guess the key is making your reader understand why that person is turned on by that other person. I'm bi so I can understand both ways and I know a writer has succeeded when they make me feel like I'm in the bedroom with that couple and getting off with them. This may sound strange but when imagining straight sex, I am fascinated with what it must be like to be a woman and feel a guy inside you. If you have gay sex, you can still have a feeling of submission but there is almost a feeling of equal and mutual agreement of pleasure but with straight sex, when a woman lets a man inside her, she is trusting him in a way not to hurt her. There are so many components of straight sex because you have women who pretend it means nothing and others who cannot help but attach sex to love while there are men who just want sex but feel nothing for whoever they do it with. It becomes this power struggle between genders between submission and mutual pleasure. Or am I overanalyzing it?
@allensoul: you could be, but it's 3 am so I can't really tell either lol.
It is totally dependent on the power play in the bedroom. As a bi woman, I don't think being on the receiving end is necessarily only about submission. For me, sex should always have a balance of power, like the equal and mutual agreement of pleasure you mentioned. I'm particularly sensitive to applying submission to straight sex or even gay sex because for me that word have a very specific meaning.
Yeah, I'm kind of weird. I'm one of those guys who when I'm with men, I like to be more submissive or suck dick so to speak but when I'm with women, I like to be more dominant and the aggressor. Although I do admire women who are dominant sexually, I like when a woman can put a man in his place and let him know whose in charge but I think that stems from mother issues lol.
This went from how do you write to how do you screw...
@aliensoul, i showed that sex scene (which is between two boys btw) because it's the only one I had on hand that wasn't bad.
If we're talking about how we screw...well, with boys I tend to top; but I can be submissive, and with girls, I'm sorta shy and romantic and stuff, so I haven't done anything. Yet, that is.
Sometimes, what you don't say is the best part of a sex scene. That way, people can each use his or her imagination. A body parts person will see all the Ts and all the As. A heart throb afficionado will see a romantic Rhett and a fevered Scarlet.
I touched her face gently. She took my hand in both of hers and took me on a journey of discovery to worlds I had but dreamed about. To the T&A person, you know where she took his hand. To the romantic, it may have been to places only she thinks of as errogenous. To the geography teacher, it may have been to the pages of an Atlas! Who knows?" That is what makes writing such an adventure.
I like to see sex scenes as a release. They shouldn't be written to be the height of the scene; it's the tension beforehand that should turn people on. The sex is just a given.
Try writing from the after-sex cuddling/crying session backward. That way you start with wetspots, disappointment, and mother issues and then explore how those things came up in the middle of fucking.
Wait... that's how it ends for everyone, right?
@Bryan, :claps: thanksies for the awesome advice. If anything, the two girls have brother issues and father issues, since those people let them down the most. I'm not sure how to convey that in writing, since I'm just an ickle fifteen year old with no hand on the deeper meaning of fucking. Also; I don't read erotica; also I'm embarrassed to write something really graphic, idk...and what is a wetspot? TBH, for me, it ends with lying with our jeans on, and embraced. Usually on the floor. Usually not in a pool of body fluid.
@Bekanator, thank you much, but do you have any advice on HOW to do that?
@Kate, you're a superhero, thanks for the set text. The thing is...I am not a girl. I don't particularly know how girls work at all, since I'm a shy, quiet literary metal-listening anime fan. In other words, girls tend to dissassociate from me. However, I'm still writing a novel from four points of view, all of them girls. My me-ness makes it an awful lot harder to conjour up female emotions, and so could you drop me a PM or something so we can discuss this elsewhere? Thanks ^^
@anyone else, the scene is NOT meant to shock anyone. It's an expression of love between two characters, where one of them is in a weakened state.
thank you so much for helping me.
TD
@typewriter
With all that in mind, my advice would be to just write what you know. You seem to know emotions. Write about emotions. Don't bother getting graphic, but trust me, the most shocking thing you write, if it comes from real experience, will only make the reader go "yeah, i've done that". You can not shock anyone anymore without going all tubgirl* on them.
Use your emotional vocabulary to show the actions. A sex scene in which two people connect on a spiritual/emotional level is going to be hotter and more true to the story than anything else you can write. And two girls who just grind against each other's legs, cluctching at each other, while emotionally naked (especially if not physically naked) is sexier than than any erotica.
*if you don't know what tubgirl is, then bless you. Don't look it up. Just imagine a happy little butterfly.
@TD: lol... it's a valid discussion, I think, because everyone invariably arrives at this juncture at one point or another. The difference in writing style is what makes sex scenes interesting (otherwise it'd just be like what Phil said lol.) Sent you a PM :)
@Bryan: that is so true... some of the most provocative "sex" scenes I've read doesn't actually describe any of it in great detail. It's more about the rising passion up to the peak then come crashing down, the emotional roller coaster if you want to call it that.
@Bryan, what is tubgirl, I'm interested? And what's a wetspot? /innocence
Writers are so fucking funny. This is way more entertaining than anything on Facebook.
Bryanhowie-Thanks dude. Now I can't unknow that. That image is burned into my brain.
The wetspot is the accumulation of fluids leaked from the vagina during and after sex that leaves a puddle on the sheets. The wetspot usually consists of vaginal secretions (usually plasma that bleeds through the vaginal walls to create lubrication), man-made lubrications (if used), sperm (if applicable), saliva (after oral), and sometimes blood. It is considered polite for the man to offer to sleep in the wetspot.
As for Tubgirl. There is a post about it here: http://showmeyourjunk.blogspot.com/2009/05/importance-of-seeing-tubgirl.html , but I reccomend staying far, far away from it. It's not safe for work and possibly offensive to most people. You should be ashamed of yourselves for even looking at the link.
I think I wandered into the wrong thread... (I back away, slowly...)
I agree with the person above me that said not to bother writing sex scenes in great detail. I think mood, character, voice, setting, etc. can be much more effective at eroticizing a scene than all all of the heaving, glistening, throbbing and tweaking body parts. I mean unless the someone's sex organ is a main character or something. Ok, now I am imagining very disturbing stories. My advice is to take some characters, put them in a place, and subtly eroticize everything but the character's bodies. Make the humidity glisten and the highway overpass throb. When the whole scene just wants to sneak off and masturbate to itself, you write, "Then, they had sex," and it will really punch. Try it.
Haha fuck you dude. You're the one that brought that image into my life.
@Bryan, what is tubgirl, I'm interested?
Seriously, don't. It's one of those internet things that you can never UNSEE.
I read the description, that was enough.
tell me tell me tell me
What kind of sex scene are you writing, exactly? Is it a hasty drunken one-night-only fest, or is it the sort of sex that comes after weeks of tension? The sex will inevitably be driven by that fact.
Also, I'd suggest reading some sex scenes. Read all kinds; dirty ones, explicit ones, tender ones, vague ones. Seeing how the emotion is carried is important.
There's a novel called Spelling Mississippi by Marnie Woodrow that deals with two women who ends up having a bit of an affair. The sex in the book isn't explicit at all, the way it's built up and tied between the stories they tell each other about their lives is quite well-written. It might be something to inspire you.
For anyone that loved tubgirl, also look up a video called one man one jar. Sexy video.
Good article by erotica publisher:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-write-erotic-fiction/?wa_user1=4&wa_u...
This is what I came up with, without the use of porn! (I'm so proud)
She was lying on the bed, with her bandages off. She looked beautiful, her hair was waves of grass. Her hands face up, she was a barely-breathing corpse. My hands followed the curve of her eyes, down past her nose to her lips. I lifted her head up and rested it against the whitewashed wall. And then we kissed, and her eyes opened, like TVs flickering on. She moaned, and her hand gripped the bedsheets. Brushing the hair out of her eyes, I kissed her again on her forehead. She pulled away, and sat up, blushing, away from me. The willows in the hospital courtyard span in a polka. I put my arms around her neck, and pulled her back onto the bed.
"Kass...stop." The words barely escaped her mouth.
"Show me." I replied. It was all she needed. Under her morgue gown, Maia was naked. Her neck was soft and white as sunbleached bone. Her hair almost drew scars across my lips. She sat on my lap, facing me, and I let my head rest on her. She put her thumb on my mouth, pressing my lips apart. Her hand leading me. Her gown splitting tenderly. My mouth on hers, and her leg curling around mine. Her blush was sunset. Our arms bodies lives mouths, all linked. Her back, curled and whipped forwards. My lips on her hard nipple. The salty taste of sweat. The scent of her perfume made everything much more slow. A heady aphrodisiac smog. Her giggles bounced off the walls until I quieted her. She carouselled my bellybutton with her tongue. My gasps were short and soft. And then she went lower. My hair haloed about me, as I lay on her bed, my ankles kicking the comforter with each bow of her head, each almost religious nod. And my soul reached upwards, and tension, tension broke and shattered. Her tongue fluted,and she drew out. She climbed up onto the bed and stuck her it in my mouth. I was too tired to resist her. But then, I was licking her, tasting her body, the dainty girl-taste of her, and as she shook, tears welled in her eyes and hit the bed below us. She was so warm, and we lay together for a while afterwards.
Your grammar is a little off, but overall it's good. In a story, I'd remove as many 'be' verbs as possible, remove as many 'her's and 'she's as makes sense, and break it up into a few paragraphs so that it moves a little quicker when the action gets hotter. But that's for rewrite. It's nice and non-pornographic while still being gentle and sexual.
thanks^^ I owe you
@TD: I agree with Bryan, your grammar needs a bit of work, and there are too many passive sentences. Using more active voice will speed up the whole thing a bit, make it a bit more frenzied and urgent. It needs a bit of polishing, but it's pretty good!
Heres part of a sex scene from my novella:
She tossed her limp hand on to my bare chest and without looking away from her Iphone, asked for a cigarette. Seeing the rainbow of Silly Bands on her wrist brought me closer to reality and it suddenly occurred to me that I craved, no needed a drink, something strong that burns the throat.
"I think I fucked up." I said to the ceiling.
She put her phone on the night stand and leaned over to kiss me.
"You worry too much." Jasmine says while she starts to sprinkle my stash into a pink rolling paper.
While she smoked the rest of my weed, she flipped through channels until she found MTV. Jasmine made eye contact with me in a Spencer's Gift Shop in the mall. Her tight jean shorts were shorter than my boxers and when she reached up to grab a pair of edible panties; I almost drooled over seeing her sex marks and her perfectly toned abdomen. We ate Chinese food in the food court and talked about James Franco movies. From there we ended up in my hotel suite drinking the little bottles of liquor from the mini-bar in the room and singing David Bowie songs. Her hair was dyed black with blood red streaks dyed underneath.
I watched her lying on the bed getting stoned; her small firm breasts rising up and down as she breathed. In a fit of paranoia I sat naked on the couch peeking out the window from behind the curtains for Chris Hanson and a whole department of Sheriff deputies. Jasmine smashed out the half smoked joint in the ash tray and looked at me the way she did in the mall. She rubbed a spot on the bed and patted the silk sheets, inviting me back to the bed. Her bubblegum lip gloss was smeared on her face and the rest was on the base of my dick.
