Gordon Highland's picture
Gordon Highland from Kansas City is reading Secondhand Souls by Christopher Moore October 24, 2013 - 11:44am

Bek's writing has gotten me laid.

Bob Pastorella's picture
Bob Pastorella from Groves, Texas is reading murder books trying to stay hip, I'm thinking of you, and you're out there so Say your prayers, Say your prayers, Say your prayers October 24, 2013 - 12:00pm

It's my (100% correct) opinion that men only attempt to better themselves in order to put their penis in someone better. Women are slightly more complex because they don't have to make any effort to sleep with someone—all they have to do is nod in the affirmative. 

So you're going to use your writing to move up the social ladder?

How's that working out?

 

Unless you were trying to be funny...Hahaha...ahem, if you were...that statement just isn't true, at least not 100% true, though it is 100% opinion, of which you are entitled. I'll go ahead and be that 1-10% guy who has no problem admitting he would never use his writing to get laid. I can get laid anytime I want, and since I'm a horny, red-blooded male, that means I want it all the time, even right after I just got some, especially right after I just got some. 

I find ways to better myself to be a more rounded person. Far from perfect, and realistically knowing that perfection is never the goal anyway, I challenge myself daily to be better in all aspects of my life. I do this because I want to, it's important to me. I could care less what anyone else thinks about me. I don't do it to be better than anyone else, I do it for me. I've learned the hard way that no matter how high you climb, there's always someone else above you, that it's a neverending race. As soon as you see that, competitive spirit is narrowed down to a laser point...the only person that matters is you. Your boss doesn't matter, his boss doesn't matter, no one else matters but yourself. And when you challenge yourself because you want to be a better person, then that's when you know you are doing it right. 

When it comes to writing, I take it with the utmost seriousness. I've been doing it for a long time, and will always write. I don't care if I NEVER sell a novel, or another short-story, or even give a short-story away. None of that matters. I write because I have to write. It's really that simple. So when I read someone wanting to know if they ever used their writing to get laid, at first I think, Ha Ha, that's funny. But when you start coming off like a troll, making statements abouts men only wanting to better themselves for a nicer piece of ass, or to move up some invisible social ladder that doesn't exist anyway, then I wonder if you're actually serious about writing.

And hey, if I'm wrong about this, and it's all one big joke, call me out and I will apologize until the day I die. I can eat crow with the best of them. 

But if I'm not wrong, and you're not serious about writing, then I really don't have much use for you. 

Fylh's picture
Fylh from from from is reading is from is reading is reading is reading reading is reading October 24, 2013 - 12:10pm

I write to get laid, but only because I am completely sure that there is a combination of words which, when written out in the correct order, will open the gates to a paradise with 70 virgins.

Dino Parenti's picture
Dino Parenti from Los Angeles is reading Everything He Gets His Hands On October 24, 2013 - 12:14pm

@ Bob: You're not wrong. Very much agreed.

@ Gordon: Becks's writing has at least gotten me to second base, with a hearty lead-off to third.

Flaminia Ferina's picture
Flaminia Ferina from Umbria is reading stuff October 24, 2013 - 12:18pm

70 virgins

I always suspected my writing would send me to hell.

EDIT: oh. Paradise you said.

Utah's picture
Moderator
Utah from Fort Worth, TX is reading Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry October 24, 2013 - 12:16pm

AD, do I need to send the chaps for Sean's birthday, or for your birthday?

Utah's picture
Moderator
Utah from Fort Worth, TX is reading Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry October 24, 2013 - 12:18pm

My writing actually turned me back into a virgin.

69 more of me and Fyhl's in business.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters October 24, 2013 - 12:29pm

Our birthdays are only a week apart, so whatever.  

 

I think anyneworth dealing with is going to be in agreement with sean and Bob on this matter.  Writing to get laid?  I mean really.  Really, Seth?  Really?

Fylh's picture
Fylh from from from is reading is from is reading is reading is reading reading is reading October 24, 2013 - 12:33pm

Update: I found the combination that gets you 70 virgins. No wonder it took so long to guess:

"Online discussions are likelier to be civil and constructive than unpleasant and full of self-aggrandizing."

Well, guys, it worked and I'll be back after Virgin 10.

Flaminia Ferina's picture
Flaminia Ferina from Umbria is reading stuff October 24, 2013 - 12:39pm

"Online discussions are likelier to be civil and constructive than unpleasant and full of self-aggrandizing."

Ciao!

EDIT: Shitting you! I just copypast'd it

Fylh's picture
Fylh from from from is reading is from is reading is reading is reading reading is reading October 24, 2013 - 1:12pm

PLEASE JOIN US, WE ARE MANY AND WE ARE UNRAVISHED

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres October 24, 2013 - 1:32pm

I like this Bob Pastorella fella...

It's my (100% correct) opinion that men only attempt to better themselves in order to put their penis in someone better. Women are slightly more complex because they don't have to make any effort to sleep with someone—all they have to do is nod in the affirmative.

Hey, Diceman, do you really live this lifestyle? I mean really live it? Do you read magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour and the like in order to learn about "what women want?" Do you regularly spend nights relaxed on the couch watching channels like Lifetime and Oxygen and the Oprah Network? Do you take notes, and then try and put into daily practice the new things you've learned? "Women don't like to be called bitches? I never knew!" "There's such thing as a female orgasm? Why have I never heard of this?" 

I'm going to have to go ahead and look up some of your work, because I need to see how to write in order to get laid. First up, your work in Penthouse Magazine, that bastion of progressive feminist thought. I never thought of that before...Walk into a bar, find the girl with the physical qualities that Hollywood has told you are desirable, whether you agree or not, and drop this line on her: "Hey baby, my name is Eddie. I got a story published in a porno."

I have just realized that my life has been completely worthless all this time...

Fylh's picture
Fylh from from from is reading is from is reading is reading is reading reading is reading October 24, 2013 - 1:39pm

Always remember that the penis mightier than the sword.

Utah's picture
Moderator
Utah from Fort Worth, TX is reading Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry October 24, 2013 - 1:42pm

Everybody watch out now.  This thread is about to turn into a gang-bang on Eddie, which Avery won't tolerate for long before she shuts down the thread and hurts everybody's feelings by being a mean censor-person.  THEN someone who feels it's wrong to censor but is otherwise unassociated with this thread will post a separate thread about how wrong it is to censor anybody for anything ever, and THAT conversation will continue for approximately three years, with everybody yelling about how Avery is abusing her power while I, with the same basic authoritative capabilities, use my powers to post LOLCATS on everybody's posts.  Or autoplay songs that make everybody look like assholes, bog down the thread, and generally annoy the piss out of everybody.

Since it's become popular in this thread to say, "I, of course, paragon of masculinity (and sensitivity) that I am, would never stoop to writing to get laid," I will say:

 

I write to get laid.

 

 

COME AT ME, BRO!

 

#TeamAvery

 

LOLCATS!!!

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters October 24, 2013 - 1:45pm

"which Avery won't tolerate for long before she shuts down the thread"

I actually thought this one was funny.  

 

 

LOLCATS!!

 

#TeamUtah

Fylh's picture
Fylh from from from is reading is from is reading is reading is reading reading is reading October 24, 2013 - 1:47pm

I write to get paid.

Utah's picture
Moderator
Utah from Fort Worth, TX is reading Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry October 24, 2013 - 1:50pm

@Sean:  Love the AD Clay reference, by the way.  It warms the cockles of my heart.

Eddie McNamara's picture
Eddie McNamara from NYC is reading High as the Horse's Bridles October 24, 2013 - 1:52pm

Sean OTD, there's no shame in being published in Penthouse magazine. In fact they've put out some great stories over the years. Have you ever sold a story to a magazine people actually buy on purpose? Has anyone ever paid you $2/word for your writing? Have you even been paid to write, or are you one of those guys who ljust ikes to write and nobody else cares?

 

Bob, of course I was 94.5% joking. I was just trying to get a lively discission going, hoping it would be an entertaining thread. I failed at that. I'll do better next time. 

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters October 24, 2013 - 2:06pm

I am soooooo out of the loop.  First off, how does sean know you wrote for Penthouse?  Second, where can I see this?  Online, in print, some other medium I don't know about?  

 

Also, if anyone gets their feelings hurt...blah blah blah just message me and I'll act like a moderator.  I guess. Jerks.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters October 24, 2013 - 2:16pm

"I was just trying to get a lively discission going, hoping it would be an entertaining thread."

Or were you sort of expecting/hoping everyone would high five you?  Because I felt like you wanted a high five.  

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres October 24, 2013 - 2:23pm

Have you ever sold a story to a magazine people actually buy on purpose? Has anyone ever paid you $2/word for your writing? Have you even been paid to write, or are you one of those guys who ljust ikes to write and nobody else cares?

In response, my penis is average-sized.

(also, I think you missed that I asked you questions)

Eddie McNamara's picture
Eddie McNamara from NYC is reading High as the Horse's Bridles October 24, 2013 - 2:26pm

The last thing in the world I wanted was a high five. I honestly thought that this topic would get a good discussion going. I over/underestimated the people on this forum. I'm married and totally not trying to get laid for anyone besides my wife. 

The idea for this thread came up after a conversation I had with an author I (and probably most of you) respect about following up a book people cared about. He said something like, "My life is exactly the same. I still try to write for 6 hours a day. I still read for 2 hours a day. I eat the same takeout food. The only thing that's different is I've managed to sleep with a lot of girls with brown hair and glasses because of___________________"

 

I have no idea how that dude knows that I had a story in Penthouse. Maybe he found my tumblr page.

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres October 24, 2013 - 5:32pm

You linked a story at All Due Respect, in your bio it says you are published in Penthouse. There is no mysticism to this "discovery."

Utah's picture
Moderator
Utah from Fort Worth, TX is reading Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry October 24, 2013 - 2:37pm

However, I mystically discovered that Sean is lying about the size of his penis.

Want to know how?

Hint:  it involves the chaps that everyone seems really keen on ignoring.  Hellooooooo.  Elephant in the room, anybody seen it?

Richard's picture
Richard from St. Louis is reading various anthologies October 24, 2013 - 2:41pm

laid, paid, your writing is staid, i buried the bodies down in the everglade

Gordon Highland's picture
Gordon Highland from Kansas City is reading Secondhand Souls by Christopher Moore October 24, 2013 - 3:00pm

Stephen King's early work was published in Penthouse.

Eddie McNamara's picture
Eddie McNamara from NYC is reading High as the Horse's Bridles October 24, 2013 - 3:39pm

King wrote for any girlie mag he could, so did Ketchum. They're not only unashamed about it, but they look back fondly on those days and how they honed their craft during them while paying bills, but some guy called Sean of the Dead on a message board is too good for Penthouse. 

Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated October 24, 2013 - 4:28pm

@Phyl -

I write to get laid, but only because I am completely sure that there is a combination of words which, when written out in the correct order, will open the gates to a paradise with 70 virgins.

You're right. It is called 'writing a check'.

Eddie - You're mostly right. People do things to improve their lives, and find/keeping mates is an important goal for most men. Lots of great authors have done lots of things people look down on. Problem is that when you write it the way you have people only read, "I hate you and everything you love."

The point everyone else is trying to make, I think, is you're acting a bit absurd. They have decided to use the Rush Limbaugh school of thought to show that, by being absurd. I'll just point it out and hope you'll relax. I get the attraction of the ultra cynic too cool to care thing, but really isn't working here. That tends to cause internet fights. Don't feel bad, early drafts always need some work, and lots of us could probably stand to chill out too. But internet fights are a lot like throwing sewage; everyone just gets covered in poo.

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter October 24, 2013 - 5:13pm

Dino and Gordon: Since I was blessed with the gift of writing, I've only ever wanted to use my powers to help other people get laid. It's people like you that keep me going.

Did you read my stories seductively to the ladies of your choosing? Did you reinact the scenes? Did said scenes make you feel less alone in the world, and therefore gained you the self-confidence to go out and get laid? It's okay to go heavy on the details.

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres October 24, 2013 - 5:12pm

As far as those guys writing for any girlie magazines they could find, so did Kilgore Trout. He often found his stories in magazines that proclaimed on their covers "Wide Open Beaver." If I was Kurt Vonnegut, I would include a picture here:

 

I would also include a picture of an asshole here:

Gordon Highland's picture
Gordon Highland from Kansas City is reading Secondhand Souls by Christopher Moore October 24, 2013 - 5:42pm

Bek, I would gladly have offered that quote to you as a blurb, were it true. But I bet it could be. I would whisper them to my lady in her sleep (how I would find myself in that situation is another matter of deception altogether), and she would awaken with an inexplicable freaky-deak urge. Power of suggestion, yo.

Kommanda X's picture
Kommanda X from Jupiters Moon is reading The Secret Doctrine October 24, 2013 - 6:46pm

Writing Music has helped me get laid, But its hasn't help me hook up on litreactor yet :) Come ladies send me your erotic stories

oscillating's picture
oscillating October 24, 2013 - 8:52pm

What a quality topic.

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter October 24, 2013 - 9:40pm

@Gordon: Well, I haven't published a collection just yet...so you've still got time to make your blurb a reality. Just learn how to whisper in a gravely voice.

jyh's picture
jyh from VA is reading whatever he feels like October 24, 2013 - 10:12pm

Paid + laid = plaid.

Plaid, aka "profesh".

Fylh's picture
Fylh from from from is reading is from is reading is reading is reading reading is reading October 25, 2013 - 1:44am

@Dwayne

"You're right. It is called 'writing a check'."

Fuck, I can't believe I didn't think of that. Internet collaboration FTW!

Flaminia Ferina's picture
Flaminia Ferina from Umbria is reading stuff October 25, 2013 - 2:11am

Actually, with 'writing a check' they won't be real virgins. They'll just stick a steak up their hoo ha's for bogus virginity.

MattF's picture
MattF from Tokyo is reading Borges' Collected Fictions October 25, 2013 - 2:49am

Sex and a steak! Add a nipple beer tap and they can just have all my money now.

Flaminia Ferina's picture
Flaminia Ferina from Umbria is reading stuff October 25, 2013 - 3:20am

Cool. Now we're thinking business.

Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated October 25, 2013 - 6:26am

Just depends on who you write the check too.

Flaminia Ferina's picture
Flaminia Ferina from Umbria is reading stuff October 25, 2013 - 7:09am

I know Gaddafi could have done that, but now Gaddafi's allegedly dead.

Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated October 25, 2013 - 7:21am

He's dead. Bob Hope is allegedly dead. 

Eddie McNamara's picture
Eddie McNamara from NYC is reading High as the Horse's Bridles October 25, 2013 - 7:51am

As if Andrew Dice Clay is somehow an insult.

Renfield's picture
Renfield from Hell is reading 20th Century Ghosts October 25, 2013 - 8:29am

Or autoplay songs that make everybody look like assholes, bog down the thread, and generally annoy the piss out of everybody.

Anybody can do that.

 

Utah's picture
Moderator
Utah from Fort Worth, TX is reading Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry October 25, 2013 - 9:37am

As if Andrew Dice Clay is somehow an insult.

Dude, the AD Clay comment was years ago.  The internet moved on.  The thread has adapted all different avenues of attack and condescension, like labeling you "cynic chic" and not drawing a picture of an asshole (the not part of that being A-okay with me, because I am a totes prude) that was very slyly intended to represent you.  It's, like, much more indirect now.  This is more passive-aggressive kind of insulting, that we do because it's still designed to make you look bad, but without any of the passive-aggressors committing to their own rap too much.

"Who, me?  No, I wasn't being a jerk to him.  I was trying to help him.  I mean, not really; even though on other threads I get all preachy about dogpiles in internet conflict...well...I secretly like them."

jyh's picture
jyh from VA is reading whatever he feels like October 25, 2013 - 9:39am

Assless chaps: that is to say, guys who don't get laid?

Dino Parenti's picture
Dino Parenti from Los Angeles is reading Everything He Gets His Hands On October 25, 2013 - 10:03am

Touche, JYH!

Dino Parenti's picture
Dino Parenti from Los Angeles is reading Everything He Gets His Hands On October 25, 2013 - 10:04am

Touche, JYH!

Utah's picture
Moderator
Utah from Fort Worth, TX is reading Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry October 25, 2013 - 10:20am

Mr. Hopkins, that is not very fitting within our new paradigm of indirect belittlement and I, frankly, just resent it.  It hurts my feelings, perhaps because you're not following the rules; perhaps because your very mean comment hits too close to home.  Regardless, I'm inserting an invisible Kurt Vonnegut drawing of an asshole right here in your honor:

 

 

See it?  See it up there?  That could be you.  But I won't say that it is, because that would be too confrontational.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters October 25, 2013 - 10:30am

Are we...are we fighting now?  

 

Perhaps I, in my general enjoyment of mocking the dude that wants to write to get laid, closed my eyes to a community injustice.  Should people be scolded?