I am close to finishing a 35,000 word story, regarding a rogue priest on the run from a small town policeman. Anyone want to tell me if this is strong enough? thanks, - ken
Title: Pursuit of the Father
Tag: Reconciliation is Overrated
Small town police officer Charlie Kelly spends most days staked out behind a rural billboard catching speeders and adding ticket revenue to Elk Township’s coffers so when the State Police extend an offer to assist on a high profile search warrant, he jumps at the opportunity to play with the big boys. But in the aftermath of a failed operation, reprehension is laid squarely on the rookie Kelly and the label of South Jersey’s most wanted fugitive is now worn by an old priest accused of heinous crimes against children. The pursuit leads Kelly, fresh off writing seatbelt tickets, full speed into an obscure world where Church interests and the forbidden side of the Internet race to stay just beyond the reach of Kelly’s one man task force.
Is this like...your product description for Amazon/what would be on the book-jacket? Or is this a pitch?
Amazon/B&N/Kobo product description
I'm probably nitpicking, but here goes.
1. Your story seems to have a lot of fast-paced action, but the sentences here are long, slowing the pace down. Would you consider writing short sentences, in order to make it a pacier read? As it stands, it has three long sentences of equal length-- varying lengths might give it a better pace while reading.
2. Just as while writing scenes, writing blurbs can work with a trick: HIP or Hook, Intensity, Prompt. Hook in your reader, match the intensity of your story, and leave the reader with a prompt.
Wish you all the best with your story.
Your one liner in the opening had me very interested.
Your longer description after you name the title had me less interested.
"Small town police officer Charlie Kelly spends most days staked out behind a rural billboard catching speeders and adding ticket revenue to Elk Township’s coffers. When the State Police extend an offer to assist on a high profile search warrant, he jumps at the opportunity. In the aftermath of a failed operation, reprehension is laid squarely on the rookie Kelly and the label of South Jersey’s most wanted fugitive is now worn by an old priest accused of heinous crimes against children. The pursuit leads Kelly full speed into an obscure world where Church interests and the forbidden side of the Internet race to stay just beyond the reach of Kelly’s one man task force."
I tightened it up a bit buy deleting a couple of repetitive lines and some "ands" and "buts" that seemed unnecessary. Hope that helps some. "play with the big boys" had to go. That was the point I became uninterested in the first reading.
much appreciated. i'm a recovering cliche user. I've been clean for 4 hours now.
My favorite method for writting summaries is some bullshit technique called the Snowflake Method that I modified for myself. Write one sentence, then one paragraph, then one page summarizing the story and keep it consistent. It's a good way to keep it consistent and on track. Just a tip.
Courtney, can you give an example of the one sentence > one paragragh?
Maybe just trim out the fat of what you did write.
"New Jersey State Police gave small town cop Charlie Kelly an an opportunity to play with the big boys, then lay the failed operation on him after a rogue priest escaped just ahead of accusations of heinous crimes. Now the clergyman races to stay ahead of the one man task force, while Kelly goes from writing tickets to obscure Church interests and the forbidden side of the Internet in hopes of saving his career."
I used it to come up with the novel I'm working on, actually. It was where I started rather than after I finished, so I'm tweaking it as I go. For now, this is what I have:
"After a city loses its moon, the inhabitants seem to be slowly crossing the line between reality and liminality when a boy shoots himself in the back of a cop car and the streets flood with wine."
"One night, the moon disappears. It was watching over a boy sleeping in an abandonded building and it winked out, leaving him unprotected. He shoots himself in the back of a cop car and the liquor distiller who witnessed it decides to pour her wine into the open street. A pilot flies over the building and sees it crumble, finds his daughter dancing in the rubble, and watches lazily as a little boy buries his Bible and goes to the circus to watch the animals roam free. No one is sure what this has to do with the moon, but as night nears, it becomes clearer that the city might be falling apart at the seams."
And then you're supposed to do a full-page synopsis, but it would probably be superfluous to post it here.
