I'm working on a novel that has a important female character. The problem I'm having is that she comes across as wish fulfillment, and that is the exact opposite of the intent; although now that I have had some other eyes on it I can see how she comes across that way.
Short version: She comes across as a geek's dream come true. She is beautiful, trained in hand to hand combat, and into science fiction. She isn't a Mary Sue; she has serious flaws including PTSD, horrible interpersonal skills and a habit of sending gross emails as pranks. She has the social She has fallen for a man she works with. He is 10 years older and already in a relationship. Her main goals are find a stable relationship, have some kids, maybe go back to school and get a nice stable job liking nursing. She wants to be taken seriously as a person even though she is young.
What would make her less like a fantasy?
It's hard to say from what you have here. She has flaws, she has desireable qualities, she has quirks...which is what most people would say if you asked the question without the description.
Every woman is a fantasy until you live with her for a while.
It's hard for us to really know whether or not she's a good character based on your description of her. Really, we just need to see her in the story. Probably your best bet would be to take the best excerpt that shows her character in action and post it to the workshop, stating that you're looking for feedback on her.
@Jeff - That's why her boss doesn't want to date her, She lives next door and in a very real sense the thrill never got there.
@Bekanator - Maybe a literary montage? For when you don't have time for the whole thing.
Give her an obsessive interest in butterflies, have her explain something about the buttefly world, and have her flip her shit when she sees someone crush a butterfly, flip her shit so much that the reader starts to wonder what the fuck happened to her.
When your alpha readers mentioned wish fulfillment, was the other stuff (PTSD, horrible interpersonal skills) in the sample they read? To me, her being kickass on the outside and a mega nerd with mental trauma on the inside, goes against the wish fulfillment aspect. You could play off this be having a character idolize her (lust for her) because of the externals he (or she) sees, and then gets to know her and realizes she's all kind of messed up, though probably ignoring the messed up stuff.
I also assume it's very difficult for her to realize her goals because she's so f-ed up on the inside. A person can say they want a stable nice person to be with, but they don't really know what that means and usually (most of the time in my observations) end up with the opposite of what they say they want (such as her wanting the guy who is already in a relationship rather than finding someone who's available).
Is she supposed to be likeable? What is the purpose of the character in the story?
Since I haven't read the story, my guess is that you may be telling, rather than showing, her bad qualities, while you are doing the opposite for her good qualities. Show us some of her anxiety attacks. Does she just toss and turn at night, or does she sit bolt upright at midnight and scream until her voice is hoarse? Is her email thing simply a playful email, or does she hack into half her male friend's email accounts. Does she send sexual comments to each of them so that they think eachother is gay? Show us these instances, otherwise it can seem like the quirks and bad characteristics don't exist, or aren't bad enough to outweig the fact that she is perfect in every other way.
Again, though, this is only a guess since I haven't read any of it. Good luck.
Matt
^great observation, Sound. that's was going to say. do not call her anything: beautiful, smart, angry, independent. SHOW her doing and being those things.
show her as vulnerable, either now, or back when she used to be such a person. we were all innocent at one time, we were all children, even Hitler, even Dahmer.
put her in situations where she can show who she is. show her succeeding, and show her failing. show her struggling. she is motivated by something, what is that? there needs to be some sort of conflict that she's raging against, with her changing over time. if she's a classic femme fatale, just be aware of the expectations. look at recent female protagonists, whether they are THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO or the Chelsea Cain series with a female serial killer.
shades of grey.
good luck, let me know if i can help.
Also Ree in Winter's Bone. She's a great female protagonist to look at. She's tough in a world that's tougher, but she is never just a girl - she's a person.
Lisbeth from Dragon Tattoo sounds like a good model for your story, though. She's socially awkward and it shows constantly. She comes across like she has Asperger's Syndrome and she's amazingly smart and capable. Those things are always shown (although people do discuss it in dialogue when she's not around). She kicks major ass, but in her dialogue and actions you can see her disfunction.
I've also got a problem writing female characters. I usually think of that line in As Good As It Gets when a woman asks the Jack Nicholson character how he writes women so well and he says, "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountablity."
Now, that's supposed to be funny and horribly sexist, it still has the point of it being no different than writing your male character. Women and men aren't as different as we think in motivation, more in the experiences that influnces those motivations. Removing the motivations,would her defining traits work equally well if the character was a man?
That would make her me! Except I have already gotten the stable nursing job and I'm not so young.
Sorry I've taken so long to reply guys. I have like 10 - 15 chapters of this (not sure which ones I will and won't merge) that I want to get revised a bit before I post anything from them.
@Gary - It's not so much that she is messed as that she is 19. And he is the only man in her 4 person social circle, so it's not that he is taken/single it's that he is there. Although those are all probably things I need to bring up/show.
@Doll -
Is she supposed to be likeable?
Likeable? Maybe the way you'd like a hot Urkel?
What is the purpose of the character in the story?
No one in the books "serves a purpose", they are just interesting people I think would be in the part of the world I'm building when it goes bad.
@Richard
Stuff about femme fatale.
I think the reason I like her as a author is she is about 180 from a classic femme fatale.
@Williams -
Removing the motivations,would her defining traits work equally well if the character was a man?
No, if I'm correct that beautiful young men don't have as hard a time being treated as something other then a sex object. Also it's not common for a man to be conflicted about if he should stay at home Dad. I'm aware that it happens but less common.
Okay, what if she wan't hot? Is that important to the story? What his she had a giant gross scar on half of her face?
People would treat her less like a sex object, and probably take her more seriously. Also some pity.
EDIT: Which considering that she gets lots of 'screen time' and that the would be a very different dynamic between her and the other important character yeah it would matter.
But I thought she didn't have a purpose?
Okay. Better advice, just writer how you want.
Jess if we posted stuff the other easily understood I'd think that someone else was using your account.
I don't have a idea regarding her serving a purpose, I do have a idea of who she is as a character. Her big conflict, that makes her interesting to me, is that she is a competent person who others are jealous of/lust after. She isn't mean about it, and that fact isn't related to her faults as person. I've known a few women like that, I feel like if I get over the hurdles I can show her as that. As for a hot women who has a horrible scar on her face, not really something I think I could write. That make more sense?
Well, you mentioned a "hot Urkel". Perhaps that could work for her. Can you write in a grating nasal twang and a horrible sense of style? Perhaps show more of the reactions she gets from other women (who wouldn't be as likely to overlook them just because she was beautiful). Or just after she bends over to retrieve the pen she dropped (garnering lustful looks from the men in the room), have her obliviously dig the wedge out of her crack. After all, she's bright and has horrible interpersonal skills. That equates to logic brained dominance and an inability to see social situations from another person's POV. So, if she's got a wedge, a booger, or an awkward itch, logic dictates she's going to go the comfort route and not really be able to see how others might react to that.
Just some thoughts.
Ivy
The wedge stuff isn't her. Maybe Sheldon Copper is a better example? Says odd things, not gross.
