There’s no easy way to introduce this article, so here it goes: Imagine if writers were involved in a professional wrestling league. Are you imagining it? Good, you’re right on track. Me? I’ve been imagining this shit since I was five years-old. Has this been a wise way to spend my time? Before I answer that, you tell me what would be wise, and I’ll laugh in your face. What would we even call this league? Writers Who Wrestle (WWW)? Or maybe International Champion Pensmiths. I don’t think ICP has been used before as an acronym. Surely such a name would develop an intelligent fanbase, right? Anyway, here are some of my favorite writers, thrown into the ring.
10. Stephen King
Ring Names: S.K., The King of Horror, The Gunslinger, The Bad Ending
Theme Song: “Pennywise” by Pennywise
Finishing Move: Summons a small child to sneak into the ring and, through the wonderful abilities of mind control, forces you to relive your most painful memories until you tap out. Yes, the painful memories are all in italics.
Rival: Joe Hill, obviously. Can you imagine the family feud? Hell, maybe Joe and his brother Owen would join forces and challenge their parents to a tornado tag team match.
09. J.K. Rowling
Ring Names: The Basilisk, The Golden Snitch
Theme Song: “I Put a Spell on You” by Nina Simone (Haha get it? Because she wrote books about magic and this song talks about casting a spell on somebody? DO YOU GET IT? DO. YOU. GET. IT.)
Finishing Move: Bashes metal wand into your face until disqualified or declared victorious.
Rivals: A gang of fans pissed off that one of her main characters might not be white.
08. Christopher Moore
Ring Names: Stripey Socks, The Fool, Catch
Theme Song: “Big Lizard” by The Dead Milkmen
Finishing Move: Throws bat guano at you until you say “eww” and tap out.
Rival: The reanimated corpse of William Shakespeare.
07. Ernest Hemingway
Ring Names: Hemingstein (that’s it, there’s nothing else that’s gonna beat that one)
Theme song: “For Whom the Bell Tolls” by Metallica
Finishing Move: Continuously dodges your attacks with a bright muleta until you pass out from exhaustion.
Rival: Sobriety.
06. Harper Lee
Ring Names: Nelle, The Pulitzer
Theme Song: “Atticus Finch” by Paint It Black
Finishing Move: Kicks you once in the face, then promptly leaves the ring and isn’t seen until her next match. Sure, she technically forfeits every fight, but you bet your ass her opponents will never forget that kick.
Rivals: The Media, a stable of wrestlers who all wield cameras and generally hang around outside the ring in case anything juicy happens. The Pulitzer loves pulverizing these motherfuckers.
05. Charles Bukowski
Ring Names: Buk, Hank, Master Cirrhosis
Theme Song: “Bukowski” by Modest Mouse
Finishing Move: Pukes then falls asleep on top of you.
Rivals: The Landlords, a team of notorious rasslin' psychopaths.
04. Joe R. Lansdale
Ring Names: Champion Joe, Captains Outrageous
Theme Song: “Fortunate Son” by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Finishing Move: Beats your face in with an actual alligator. Also, Lansdale teaches martial arts, so I assume the alligator knows karate.
Rivals: Anybody dumb enough to try to box him into a single genre. Death to the genre boxers.
03. H.P. Lovecraft
Ring Names: The Necronomicon, The Great Old One, The Elder God
Theme Song: “Behind the Wall of Sleep” by Black Sabbath
Finishing Move: Introduces you to cosmic horrors of the universe until you go mad and forfeit from not only the match, but from life.
Rivals: African Americans.
02. Thomas Pynchon
Ring Names: [redacted]
Theme Song: [redacted]
Finishing Move: [redacted]
Rivals: [redacted]
01. Chuck Palahniuk
Ring Names: Rant, The Cult, Robert Paulson
Theme Song: “Where is My Mind?” by The Pixies
Finishing Move: Rips off his face and reveals he was actually you the whole time, and you’ve just been punching yourself in the face over and over, you crazy bastard.
Rivals: Starbucks buildings, swimming pools, sleep.
Who would you add to this hypothetical wrestling corporation? Include your own ideas in the comments below. Let’s get this thing going.
About the author
Max Booth III is the CEO of Ghoulish Books, the host of the GHOULISH and Dog Ears podcasts, the co-founder of the Ghoulish Book Festival, and the author of several spooky books, including Abnormal Statistics, Maggots Screaming!, Touch the Night, and others. He wrote both the novella and film versions of We Need to Do Something, which was released by IFC Midnight in 2021 and can currently be streamed on Hulu. He was raised in Northwest Indiana and now lives in San Antonio.
